Terry Deary - Ireland

Invaders, invaders, invaders. People kept arriving in Ireland and giving the earlier ones a hard time. Yet its a strange fact that the Irish probably did more damage to one another than all the invaders of the early Middle Ages. The Vikings were famous for robbing and burning the great monasteries, but local Irish lords plundered far more!

Old Ireland timeline

8000 BC Humans arrive in Ireland from Europe to hunt and fish. But they do not open fish shops because chips havent been invented.

4000 BC Gaels arrive in Ireland (or so the legends say). Gaels were farmers so what were the farmers wives called? Gals?

2500 BC Stone Age Irish build Newgrange monument. Not as flashy as Stonehenge but very clever.

300 BC The Celts arrive and will rule for more than a 1000 years. Fierce warriors who fight with no clothes on. That would really put the enemy off, wouldnt it?

AD 431 The Pope sends the first Irish bishop, Palladius. Of course poor Palladius is forgotten because

Saint Patrick arrives from Britain and single-handedly converts Ireland to Christianity (they say). He cant have stopped to sleep or eat if thats true! But he certainly stopped in 461, when he dropped down dead.

Great plague ravages Ireland. This is good practice for all the other horrors that the Irish are going to suffer in their history.

War between two great monasteries Clonmacnois and Durrow in which 200 are killed. Monks mash monks! So much for men of peace more like men in pieces.

The Vikings are coming. Theyll rob and destroy the country but especially pick on the poor monks who cant fight against real warriors. Even with God on their side. The Vikings set up the new city of Dublin.

Irish king, Fedelmid, is robbing and wrecking more monks than the Vikings. But the monks fight back and kill him. God must have chipped in to help.

Vikings from Denmark arrive in Dublin and attack the Vikings from Norway who are already there. The Irish join in and help wipe out any Vikings they can! This is not a safe time or place to live, as you can see.

1014 Blood rains from the sky, soldiers are attacked by spears that fly out of walls and by ravens with iron beaks. (Thats what horrible historians of the time say.) In an Irish v. Viking battle at Clontarf the Irish King Brian Boruma wins but is killed before he can be king of all Ireland.

Cut-throat Celts

The Celts were a group of tribes who shared the same language and the same habits. (Some of those habits could be very nasty indeed, as youll see.)

In 386 BC theyd been strong enough to attack Rome and give the Romans a rotten time. But once the Romans had got their act together (and got their army together) the Celts were pushed back and back and back till they reached Ireland.

The Celts were fierce and fearless fighters. If you want to be a feared foe, then follow these five foul steps to fame. (Try these terrible tricks today and youll end up in prison, of course, but you may enjoy it more than maths lessons.)

1 Get yourself dressed

You need a torc. Pop down to your local jewellers shop and ask for one. Its a metal band (usually solid gold) that you wear around your neck or your arm. It is carved with signs that will bring you luck in battle.

Apart from the torc, what else do you wear as a Celt warrior?

Nothing. Not a stitch not even a pair of Y-fronts, a fig leaf or a bit of string to tie down your floppy bits when you run. Nothing. Your nakedness will bring you protection from the gods (Celt warriors believe) so dont worry.

Not only does your nakedness get you heavenly blessing. It probably also puts the enemy off!

2 Get yourself a horse

Celtic warriors rode into battle on a two-wheeled chariot pulled by a horse. Horses were very important to the Irish Celts. Horses were raced. Horses were eaten. Horses were even worshipped we get the name pony from the Celtic and Roman horse goddess Epona.