Jennifer Petriglieri - Couples That Work: How Dual-Career Couples Can Thrive in Love and Work

As Cheryl lay in her hospital bed beside her newborn baby, she couldnt have been happier. She had saved enough to take a three-month unpaid maternity leave from her job in a financial services firm and was relishing the thought of spending long days learning to be a mom to little Annabel. It meant a lot to her. Throughout her childhood, Cheryl had often had to worry about money, and as a young adult, she had worked hard to make sure that her own children would not have to. Her dream was coming true, and she was proud of it. She was a bit nervous, too, about the bigger apartment that she and Mark had boughtthey had stretched their budget to make it possiblebut she was grateful that Marks salary would help cover their expenses while she was on leave.

Cheryl was suddenly distracted from her reverie when Mark bounded into the room, his face beaming, bearing the bag of baby clothes they had forgotten in their dash to the hospital. For the past two years, he had put up with a corporate job he hated while networking like mad to move into the startup world. The move had proved elusive, but the birth of Annabel had clearly improved his mood.

Mark kissed Cheryl and picked Annabel up, staring into her eyes as she yawned. I told you they would be just like yours, he said, then blurted out, Guess what? He seemed giddy with excitement.

What? replied Cheryl expectantly.

I just got a call from Sebastien. He secured the first round of funding for his startup, and wants me to join it!

The blood drained from Cheryls face. This was exactly the kind of move that Mark had dreamed of, but joining an early-stage startup would mean a huge drop in salarymaybe no salary at all. Their scanty savings and their new mortgage meant that Cheryl would have to go back to work after just a few weeks. Trying to be supportive, she said, Thats so great! Lets talk about the timing once we get home.

We cant, darling, Im sorry, Sebastien is moving fast and the time is now, Mark answered, squeezing Cheryls hand. Ive already resigned. I start there on Monday!

Cheryl and Mark are real people; I have only changed their names. They are one of many couples I spoke to in researching this book. Their storywhich well come back to in highlights a common theme I heard: so often, for dual-career couples, carefully plotted plans are upended by unexpected events, and the happiest moments in life overlap with sudden changes and challenges. The greatest opportunities spark the toughest, and most revealing, conversations. The most meaningful personal decisions seem to coincide with the most consequential professional opportunities.

While the challenges dual-career couples face are fairly well known, there is a surprising lack of meaningful guidance available on how to deal with them. Most career advice is targeted at individuals, treating major career decisions as if were flying solowithout partners, children, siblings, friends, or aging parents to consider.

Moreover, most advice for couples focuses on their personal relationship, not the way it intersects with professional dreams. Even then, couples are bombarded with blanket prescriptions on what they should do: Divide the housework equally, Strike a balance between life and career, Make time for one anothernone of which have helped couples become clearer about, let alone learn how to satisfy, their deepest needs in work and in love. Some even label those who strive for fulfillment in both work and love as hopelessly naive.

I believe most current advice has failed couples because it targets surface-level, practical issues, rather than the underlying forces that create those issues. It tells us how we should prioritize our careers, divide housework, and maintain a healthy relationship, rather than exploring why we are struggling with these things in the first place.

Many of the people I spoken to had devised intricate ways to synch their calendars, divide up household responsibilities, and balance their careers. Yet they rarely had a conversation about deeper psychological and social forces, by which I mean their struggles for power and control, the roles they expected each other to play in their shared lives, their personal hopes and fears, and the collective expectations of what defines a good relationship and career that exert a powerful influence on them.

While couples may not talk much about them, these deeper psychological and social forces influence the way they relate and decisions they make. They push and pull on peoples behavior and on the shape of their relationship. At times, such as during the transitions this book focuses on, these forces can seem overwhelming and inescapable; at others, they are just a gentle stream that carries couples along. People can be very aware of some of these forces, but others remain implicit or even unconscious. Through my research, I found that if couples dont address them, those forces can hold them back and lead them down a path of conflict. If couples understand and work with them, however, they can ease their practical challenges and help them thrive.