Rob Kendall - Blamestorming: Why Conversations Go Wrong and How to Fix Them

I have learned that powerful conversations are essential to world-class performance. Receiving encouragement and having challenging conversations with my coach and team members have been absolutely vital to my success. This book will show you how.
Amy Williams MBE, Olympic gold medallist

Robs new book Blamestorming provides highly practical tools to advance our psychological evolution through being cooperative rather than competitive in our communication with each other.
Sir John Whitmore, author of the bestsellingCoaching for Performance

Blamestorming reveals how the way we think influences the way we communicate. This is cutting-edge psychology packaged in the most accessible way. Anyone who is serious about improving their communication skills will find it practical and relevant.
Rob Archer, The Career Psychologist

Robs book will teach you how to hear whats really being said and say what you really mean to say. It will help you to increase your self-confidence and to put your relationships on a firmer and more positive footing. As texts, emails and other forms of silent communication crowd out the opportunity to practise the art of face-to-face conversation, we need the help of a skilled communicator more than ever. I recommend Robs book to anyone who wants to communicate more effectively.
Linda Blair, clinical psychologist, author, columnist, broadcaster

Rob understands the dynamics of conversation inside out. He has vast experience and mastery in this field. The world will be better for him sharing it.
Hugh Brasher, Race Director, London Marathon

Blamestorming offers a truly fascinating insight into the complex world of conversation.
Martin Davies, bestselling author ofThe Conjurors Bird

As the CEO of 55,000 staff, I have valued Robs partnership at defining moments in our history. He knows how to have meaningful conversations that move life instead of talking about life. In Blamestorming, he will show you how.
Julian Roberts, CEO, Old Mutual Group

In professional sport, as in every domain of life, conversation plays a crucial role in performance. In this book, Rob demonstrates simple, practical ways to revolutionize your conversational life.
Matt Perry, Englands most-capped rugby full-back

Rob knows how to have meaningful conversations that allow people to be honest with themselves and authentic with others. I cant think of a better person to write a book like this!
Paula Vennells, MD, Post Office Ltd (11,500 UK post offices)

In Blamestorming Rob shares a wealth of experience and makes the art, science and skills of conversation accessible to everyone. Rob can be for conversation what Martin Lewis is for saving money the UKs expert. Nobody occupies this space in the public consciousness today.
Gordon Gourlay, MD, First Rate Exchange Services (the UKs leading provider of foreign exchange)

As Headteacher with 440 pupils and 60 staff, my life is spent in conversation. Blamestorming will equip you with practical tools for communicating with others in a clear, sensitive and positive manner.
Mark Stubbings, Headteacher, Brookfield Primary School (an inner London school where 25 per cent of students speak English as a second language)

CONTENTS

BE CURIOUS

Why You Should Read Blamestorming; How It Works; and First Steps to Better Conversations

Our lives are conducted through conversations of one kind or another in person and in groups, in formal and less formal situations, on the phone or by email its something we just do, most of the time without even thinking about it. We take our ability to converse for granted and when something goes wrong we tend to pick ourselves up and start over usually without asking ourselves why or realizing that there are things we could have done to avoid the conversation going off track in the first place.

Generally, learning to talk to other people goes hand-in-hand with learning to speak. We learn through the example of others, by copying. It just happens, more or less. When we do communicate well the day-to-day things flow more smoothly and far more pleasantly. When we dont, the effects can be catastrophic. But, far from simply being something we started doing way back before we can remember and accepting our relative skill, or lack of skill, as a given conversation is something we can learn to do better and even excel in.

The fact is, conversations get tangled up all the time. What youd thought would be a straightforward chat with your partner turns into a flaming row. Your teenage daughter reacts to a well-intended comment and storms out. A work meetings fast feeling as if its a waste of time because no ones listening. You prepare what you want to say in a tricky conversation and end up not saying what youd meant to. You initiate a difficult conversation with a colleague and inadvertently put him or her on the defensive. A lot of the time you find yourself wondering what went wrong but you cant stop repeating the process again and again.

TRICKY SITUATIONS

Blamestorming focuses on four fundamental situations:

[1] The Tangle where crossed wires lead to uncertainty and confusion, uncoordinated action and frustrated expectations.

How often do you shake your head in bewilderment and wonder how on earth a mix-up occurred? Well explore how adapting your style of communication, setting the context and checking for clarity can help prevent misunderstanding and confusion.

[2] The Big Argument where a convivial start has spiralled out of control and into a bitter row with a partner, a family member, a work colleague, a neighbour or anyone else youd had no intention of falling out with.

Throughout the book well examine why conversations escalate into arguments, why the subtext of the argument can be more important than the content and how you can keep things at ground level.

[3] The Bad Place where the conversation you were having with someone has gone horribly wrong and youre in the mire. Or where you simply feel disconnected and fed up with someone, and are left wondering how youre going to address the issue or recover the situation.

Getting into the Bad Place from time to time is part and parcel of any relationship, but youd probably like to get into it far less often and, when you do, be there for less time. Blamestorming will show you how.

[4] The Lock Down where feelings and thoughts are internalized or withheld and negative conclusions are drawn, leading to an implosion rather than to the explosion of the Big Argument.

If someones in the Lock Down, theyll withdraw and wont want to talk, even though its obvious theyre deeply upset. This book offers ways to restore communication and bring your relationship back on an even keel.

Through a series of accessible and easy-to-follow techniques, Blamestorming will help you to avoid the pitfalls that sabotage conversations even when theyve been started with the best of intentions. It shows you how your survival instincts often take over and derail your conversations at the worst possible moments. It reveals the warning signs that indicate when a conversation is beginning to go wrong before its too late to turn back and, if it already has, this book shows you how to extricate yourself with the relationship intact.

Above all Blamestorming