Breitman Patti - How to say no without feeling guilty: and say yes to more time, more joy, and what matters most to you

HOW TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY . Copyright 2000 by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. For information, address Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc., 1540 Broadway, New York, NY 10036.

BROADWAY BOOKS and its logo, a letter B bisected on the diagonal, are trademarks of Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

The Art of Disappearing by Naomi Shihab Nye, from Words Under the Words: Selected Poems by Naomi Shihab Nye, copyright 1995 by Naomi Shihab Nye. Used by permission of Far Corner Books.

Visit our Web site at www.broadwaybooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Breitman, Patti.
How to say no without feeling guilty: and say yes to more time, more joy, and what matters most to you / by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Assertiveness (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal communication.
I. Hatch, Connie. II. Title.
BF575.A85 B74 2000
158.2dc21

99-048189

eISBN: 978-0-7679-0719-4

v3.1

To Stan and Fran, with
gratitude and love

PB

To Joey, with love
and in memory of
Kathryn and Ray Hatch,
who said no wisely and well
(but not too much)

CH

For their professional expertise and commitment to this project, the authors would like to thank all the talented, hardworking people at Broadway Books, especially Steve Rubin, Bob Asahina, Gerry Howard, Robert Allen, Debbie Stier, Catherine Pollock, Roberto de Vicq de Cumptich, Stanley Cohen, and the terrific sales reps. We are particularly indebted to our perceptive and immensely skilled editors, Tracy Behar and Angela Casey. Thanks are also due to Maureen Sugden for her helpful suggestions.

For his early and enthusiastic belief in this book, Bill Shinker

For his wisdom, kindness, and for writing such a generous foreword, Richard Carlson

For her unsurpassed international know-how and incomparable style, Linda Michaels, and for their continual expert help, Teresa Cavanaugh, Helene Blatny, Martha Di Domenico, Eva Betzwieser, and Jenny Thor

For her boundless energy, imagination and PR savvy, Rita Marcus

For helping us in our research, Claude Palmer and Open Secret Bookstore, Shereen Ash at the Fairfax Library, and Kathleen ONeill

For sharing so much of their time, wisdom, and professional expertise, we are enormously grateful to Deborah Carroll, Paula Solomon, and Linda Wade

For their valuable insights and feedback, which contributed so much to this book, Lori Baird, Corinda Carford, Tom Cavalieri, Jodi Conway, Joanna Dales, Maggie Gelosi, Valerie Green, Peter Greene, Aron Hirt-Manheimer, Ana Jawerbaum, Edith Joyce, Susan Joyce, Barbara Kops, Renee Martin, Dan Neuharth, Mary Rae, Rose Rawlings, Bob Rosenfeld, David Rosenfeld, Nancy Samalin, Patrice Serret, Evelyn Schmidt, Diane Schube, Lana Staheli, Sandra Stahman, and Donna Starito

In addition, Patti would like to thank:

For her great love and constant belief in me, Fran Zitner

For teaching me about the Golden Rule and for being the most steadfast and best friend, role model, and cheerleader anyone could hope to have, Debby Drezon

For their friendship and enormous help in my office and my life, Dominique Blanchard and Lisa T. Lewis

For her terrific public-speaking advice and generous spirit, Susan Harrow

For their ongoing friendship, Linda Rosinsky, Marion L. Musante, and Josephine Codoni Leary Burke

For their inspiring work on behalf of the planet and its inhabitants, and for calling attention to countless important causes that cry out for a resounding yes, Carol Adams, Neal Barnard, Freyah Dinshah, Jay Dinshah, Gail Davis, Suzanne Havala, Ruth Heidrich, Michael Klaper, James Michael Lennon, Howard Lyman, Glen Merzer, Mark Messina, Virginia Messina, Victoria Moran, Marr Nealon, Ingrid Newkirk, Carol Normandi, Jennifer Raymond, Laurelee Roark, John Robbins, Robert David Roth, Timothy Smith, Charles Stahler, Deborah Wasserman, and Ann and Larry Wheat

For their persistent support and wisdom in words and silence, motion and stillness, Anna Douglas, Terry Vandiver, and the wonderful women and men in the Friday morning Spirit Rock sangha

And most of all, for his forbearance while this book was a priority, his excellent feedback and input, his computer support, terrific sense of humor, abiding love, and too many gifts to name, Stan Rosenfeld, to whom Im glad I said yes

Connie would also like to acknowledge:

For their enduring loyalty and encouragement, and for being there all these years: Ken Hatch, Doug Trazzare, Sandi Trazzare, Richard OConnor, and Deborah Schorsch

Special thanks to my husband and best pal, Joey Cavalieri, for his superheroic support while this book was being written

The Art of Disappearing

When they say Dont I know you? say no.

When they invite you to the party remember what parties are like before answering.

Someone telling you in a loud voice they once wrote a poem.

Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.

Then reply.

If they say We should get together say why?

Its not that you dont love them anymore.

Youre trying to remember something too important to forget.

Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.

Tell them you have a new project.

It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery
store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.

When someone you havent seen in ten years appears at the door, dont start singing him all your new songs.

You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf.

Know you could tumble any second.

Then decide what to do with your time.

NAOMI SHIHAB NYE

Foreword
by Richard Carlson

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty is a book I desperately needed to read. And boy, am I glad I did. Its one of the most practical and helpful books Ive ever read. By implementing only a tiny fraction of the suggestions, I have saved far more time than the time it took to read them. Even before I finished reading the book, I was reaping its rewards. Hows that for quick results?

By learning to say no without feeling guilty, you will find time you never dreamed you had. Even more important, you will learn to say yes to all those things that you hold most dear to your heart, things that you really want to do but never seem to have the time for because youre so busy doing other things, saying yes, and filling up your life with commitments and obligations you wish would go away. When you learn to say no, your life will be yours again. Rather than being last on your own priority list, you will emerge as the captain of your own ship, able to make decisions from a place of passion, wisdom, and confidence, rather than out of guilt, fear, or a feeling of being manipulated.

Theres no question that for most of us, life has become complicated, if not completely frenetic. Our schedules are bursting at the seams, and frustration is rampant. It would seem that technology and timesaving gadgets should solve our problems, but in most cases they dont. Sure, we save time with new devices, but because we arent able to say no, we simply fill up the time we save by saying yes to even more requests. Sadly, we often end up with even tighter schedules and more frustration. We wonder how we are going to prioritize and get it all done.