Levy Barrie - When dating becomes dangerous: a parents guide to preventing relationship abuse

When
Dating
Becomes
Dangerous

A Parents Guide to Preventing Relationship Abuse

Patti Occhiuzzo Giggans, M.A.,

and Barrie Levy, M.S.W.

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

2013 by Hazelden Foundation

All rights reserved. Published 2013.

Produced in the United States of America

Based on the book What Parents Need to Know About Dating Violence

Unless a statement on the page grants permission, no part of this publication, either print or electronic, may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Giggans, Patricia Occhiuzzo.

When dating becomes dangerous : a parents guide to preventing relationship abuse / Patricia Occhiuzzo Giggans, M.A., Barrie Levy.

1 online resource.

Based on the authors book, What parents need to know about dating violence.

Includes bibliographical references.

Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher; resource not viewed.

ISBN 978-1-61649-502-2 (epub) ISBN 978-1-61649-471-1 (pbk.)

1. Dating violence. 2. Dating violencePrevention. 3. Parenting. I. Levy, Barrie. II. Title.

HQ801.83

362.88dc23

2013032001

Editors note

The names, details, and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication. In some cases, composites have been created.

This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.

Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

16 15 14 13 1 2 3 4 5 6

Cover design: Theresa Jaeger Gedig

Interior design: Kinne Design

Typesetting: BookMobile Design & Digital Publisher Services

I dedicate this book to my children Ally, Chris, and Ruby: Ive learned so much from you and because of you; and also to Ellen, my partner in life and in parenting.

Patti

To Linda, Nisa, Johanna, Jedd, Ethan, Katie, Julia, and Sammyyou are my inspiration and the source of so much wisdom and love.

Barrie

When I began in my role as Detective Olivia Benson on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit , I was new to the idea of being an advocate. I understood advocacy in general termsthat certain individuals in our society are more vulnerable and that we have a responsibility to speak up for them. But that general understanding of advocacy barely scratched the surface of what that beautiful word now means to me.

My education came by way of the letters I began receiving as I worked on the show. They were much more than fan mail. The letters spoke of pain, fear, and isolation, of lives filled with deep uncertainty, deeper shame, and dim hopes for a future.

Manyif not mostof the individuals reaching out were very young girls, on the cusp of puberty. With each letter, my understanding of a vulnerable population came into sharper focus and took on deeper meaning. I was reading about incidents of a kind of violence that girls at this age should not even know exists. But indeed it doestoo much of it, too often. These girls knew about violence because they experienced it. And then they reached out with open hearts and shared their wishes:

I wish I had a detective like you when I was raped.

I wish you were there last week when my boyfriend beat me up.

I wish you were there to protect me.

They needed to connect. They needed protection. They needed an advocate, in the true sense of the word: someone who would call out for them, someone with a voice, willing to use it to stand up for what is right.

That is exactly what Patti Giggans and Barrie Levy have done in their years of powerful work in the anti-violence field. Their commitment, passion, and wealth of experience have changed the lives of children and families. And I am deeply grateful for Patti, who has been a blessing and a teacher on my parallel path of actor and advocate.

The wisdom they share in When Dating Becomes Dangerous is timely and vital. They squarely address societys ingrained victim-blaming attitudes, which are manifested in questions like Why does she stay? With expertise, clarity, and compassion, they help readers see the issues from multiple perspectives, all within the context of a deep understanding of the cumulative impact of trauma exposure, and the very real dangers that exist as survivors plan their exit from violent relationships. The book also offers insight from teen abusers working to address and change their behavior, an area of understanding that must deepen if we are to bring an end to teen dating violence. Particularly helpful is the chapter on healthy relationships and the responsibility of parents, educators, and professionals to ensure that children and teens have access to the information they need to build, evaluate, and maintain those relationships. Parents are the first and most important advocates in a childs life, and this book serves as a tool to support them in this pivotal role.

And if those reasons arent enough to convey the value of this book, consider this: We all have an obligation to do everything we can to protect children and adolescents. As a mother of three, that is the most personal reason for my enduring admiration and appreciation for Pattis and Barries work. Every child deserves to live in a supportive, loving environment, free from violence. At this moment in time, far too many children dont have that most basic opportunity. We must all deepen our understanding of what it means to be an advocate, what it means to call out and stand up on behalf of this vulnerable population who is explicitly or tacitly asking for our protection. This book is vital in equipping us to step up and become better advocates.

In Gratitude,

Mariska Hargitay

President and Founder, Joyful Heart Foundation

Actor and Advocate

Despite their attempts to make us believe otherwise, our children need us to guide and protect them. Jenny didnt tell me what was happening to her, and I didnt know enough to ask. Dont let this happen to you and your child. Dont let another day go by where you simply wonder and worry, but take no action. My family has suffered a devastating loss. We live with sadness every day. Perhaps it could have been prevented if we had only been educated.

Vicki Crompton, Davenport, Iowa, author of Saving Beauty from the Beast. Vickis daughter, Jenny, died when her ex-boyfriend stalked her, broke into her home, and killed her. Jenny Crompton was fifteen years old.

We wrote What Parents Need to Know About Dating Violence (which this book updates and revises) in 1995 after Barrie Levys two groundbreaking books Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger and In Love and In Danger: A Teens Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships were published. We did so to meet the demand for information by parents who were discovering that dating violence was an issue for their children. Both of us have spent most of our careers in the field of violence against women and girls as activists, advocates, trainers, and teachers. We have started and run several organizations dealing with sexual and domestic violence, have written violence prevention curricula, have been interviewed many times on radio and television, and have been keynote speakers on the topic of teen relationship violence, as well as other related subjects. Both of us are parents.