Rivera - Sorry not sorry: dreams, mistakes, and growing up

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Wouldnt take nothing for my journey now

Maya Angelou*

For my family, friends, and my fans

*Because as a wise woman basically once said, Sorry not sorry

HELLO, AMERICA (and, hopefully, other parts of the world):

You might know me from shaking my butt and singing in a cheerleader costume on Glee, or from throwing shade (or dodging it) in the tabloids, or maybe evenif youre a super fan or just have a really good memoryfrom my child-actor days on TV shows like The Royal Family or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Which is exactly why I wanted to write this bookI wanted to tell my whole story and talk about the path (which was really more of a roller-coaster ride) that I took to get to be who I am nowan actress, singer, wife, and mother, currently knee-deep in spit-up.

Sometimes growing up happens in the blink of an eyelash extension. You spend years struggling to figure out who you are, and through a lot of those years you feel like its going to take a bit of divine intervention for you to pull it all together. And then, all of a sudden, you find yourself sitting in the dining room, wondering what to make for dinner and what that baby-related stain on your shirt is, and your adulthood smacks you in the face. And if this hasnt happened to you yet, God willing someday it will. Holy shit, I did it, youll think. Im a grown-ass woman now. And let me tell you, it will feel good.

Writing this book gave me a chance to relive some of the best and worst times of my life, from predawn wake-up calls as a kindergartener getting ready to shoot my first sitcom to being a twenty-year-old with a fat stack of unpaid bills and an anorexic wallet. But you know whats crazy? Even when I look back at that girl I was decades ago, I still feel like I just saw her yesterday, like she hasnt been gone for all that long.

I started working on this book while I was still shooting Glee, and finished the last few chapters with my new baby boy, Josey, sitting in his chair just a few feet away. Motherhood means learning new things and having your expectations turned upside down every single day, but it has also taught me one thing for certain: Josey is my greatest success, and I will never do any better than him.

So yeah, being a mom changes things and makes you feel different in a lot of ways, but for me the big one is this: Im braver. Ive never been afraid of being an open book and telling it like it is, but now I can say, with 100 percent confidence, that zero fucks are given anymore. I dont care what other people think, because being a mom puts everything into perspective. You no longer have to decide whats important to you, because its right in front of your face, and chances are hes hungry.

Josey gave me wings (I know its cheesy, but its true), and with this book I hope to pass on a little bit of that flight to you. Your life doesnt have to be perfect for you to be proud. In fact, I think its the opposite: the more imperfect your life has been, the prouder you should be, because it means youve come that much further, and also probably had a lot more fun along the way.

And with thatI hope you have as much fun reading this book as I had writing it.

I came into the world ready for the cameraMom even used my baby book to keep a record of auditions.

1

THE NAY NAY YEARS

F ROM THE TIME I was in utero, it was my fate to be in front of the camera. The sound of flashbulbs made me kick, and Im sure if the sonogram technology had allowed it, youd have seen little fetus me trying to turn so they got my good side.

My mom was an aspiring actress and model when she unexpectedly got pregnant with me. She was only twenty, but shed already done pretty well for herself. She had worked a lot for Kohls in her hometown of Milwaukee, and every weekend there she was in the Sunday paper, modeling a different sweater.

Once she landed in Los Angeles, she ate chicken in a KFC commercial with David Alan Grier and wore bunny ears and danced in a freezer (what?!) in a Smokey Robinson video. In her first trimester, she even made an appearance on The Young and the Restless, where I tried to steal the show by causing a bout of morning sickness that left her making secret trips to the bathroom.

Once I was born, Mom kept it moving and didnt miss a beat. She got me an agent before I could walk, and my grand entrance into life in the public eye was a topless scene: at seven months old I was cast in a Kmart commercial, to crawl across the floor wearing nothing but a diaper.

From baby age on, I booked print ads, almost all of which were shot in front of a gray seamless, with me wearing a floral romper, OshKosh, or Plum Puddingthe height of late eighties, early nineties kids fashion. Even as a tot model, though, I couldnt just stand there, nor was it all fun. It was work! Id have to do stuff like hula-hoop, blow bubbles, pretend to laugh, or (the worst) hold hands with other kidsusually their hands were sweaty and clammy, or theyd pick their nose right up to the very last second, then reach their fingers toward mine.

Even though Id just recently stopped wearing diapers, I was three feet tall and all business. I got the hang of modeling really quickly and easily took direction from the photographer. When other models would get all teary eyed and hiccupy about holding hands with someone they didnt know, I was always annoyed. Why do we have to convince you? Id think. Just do your job and hold my damn hand and take the picture! I didnt even pick my nose.

I also started to book television commercials, and soon I was Mattels go-to ethnic girl, doing ads for Cabbage Patch dolls or twirling around with a Bubble Angel Barbie. Sometimes all they wanted in the shot was my brown hand, so Id get a manicure and then have to hold a toy very, very still while the cameras got their shot.