Robinson - God Believes in Love

THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF

Copyright 2012 Gene Robinson
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto. www.aaknopf.com

Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Robinson, V. Gene, [date]
God believes in love : straight talk about gay marriage / Gene Robinson. 1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-96175-4
1. Same-sex marriageReligious aspectsEpiscopal Church. 2. HomosexualityReligious aspectsEpiscopal Church. 3. MarriageReligious aspectsEpiscopal Church. 4. Episcopal ChurchDoctrines. I. Title.
BX5979.5.H65R63 2012
241.63dc23 2012023925

Jacket design by Oliver Munday

v3.1

DEDICATED TO
IMOGENE AND VICTOR ROBINSON, MY PARENTS ,
AND THEIR INSPIRING SIXTY-FIVE-YEAR
MARRIAGE

T here are so many people who deserve credit and thanks for helping me on this journeyboth in my thinking and with the publication of this book.

To John Fortunato, whose writing unlocked the key to my closet door more than twenty-five years ago. To the leadership of Freedom to Marrys Evan Wolfson, who saw and understood the importance of marriage long before most of us, and kept singing his beautiful song to our community until we understood. To all the pioneers of our movement on whose shoulders I am privileged to stand.

To my book agent, Doug Abrams, who called me out of the blue and suggested that I might have this book in meand then stuck around to shepherd me through the entire process with patience, encouragement, and a genuine commitment to this issue. Remarkable for a straight guy! I expected only an agent, but got a friend.

To my editor at Knopf, Vicky Wilson, whose critical eye and tough questions helped me at every turn. This book would not have happened without her brilliant and professional savvy.

To those gay or lesbian couples who have paved the way for all by sailing the largely uncharted waters of gay relationships: Dan and Russ, Tim and James, Mary and Nancy, Bruce and Barry, Jim and Paul, Mary and Sue, Macky and Nick, Steve and Don, Thad and George. You know who you areand I hope you know how much you have inspired and taught me.

To the two most wonderful daughters a man could ever hope for, Jamee and Ella, for their love and devotion, and for the patience they have shown in loving me no matter what. And for our granddaughters, Morgan and Megan, who may well grow up in a world where having two dads (or granddads) or two moms may be no big deal.

Finally, to the two people who have taught me the most about marriage by being in a marriage with me: my former wife, Boo Martin, and my husband, Mark Andrew. For thirteen years, in our younger days, Boo and I forged a relationship that, in the end, still endures after our divorce. And for the last twenty-five years, Mark has stood by me as my friend, cheerleader, and most fervent supporter. In 2010, when marriage equality came to New Hampshire, I added one more important and cherished name for him: husband. There are simply no words to describe how indebted I am to him.

I believe in marriage.

Sixty-five years ago, Victor Robinson married his high school sweetheart, Imogene Bowman, both of them at the tender age of twenty. If there ever was a marriage made in heaven, this was it. Some fifteen months later, they welcomed their firstborn into the world. I was a very mixed blessing, given that I was massively injured in childbirth and not expected to live. Being very young and very poor, my parents were ill equipped to handle a newborn whose prognosis for ever walking or talking was not good. But they dealt with this seeming tragedy with the same love and devotion that characterized their marriage.

Victor and Imogene lived in rural Kentucky as tobacco sharecroppers. They worked twelve hours a day, except for Sunday, which was the Lords day. My parents were descended from the founding members of Bethany Christian Church, a small congregation of the Disciples of Christ denomination. Living without running water or indoor plumbing, and with our community as our only support, my family loved the church, and it was our primary social outlet. I was steeped in and nourished by a constant study of Scripture, leading to my taking Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, and my baptism with full immersion, at age twelve. My greatest desire was to lead a Christ-centered life.

At the same time, there was a growing self-understanding that I was differentand not in a positive way. There was no good name for what I was feeling. Homosexuality was almost never spoken of, and when it was, it was always in hushed tones, as if even saying the word made the notion more real and more acceptable than it deserved to be. More often, I would hear only of people who were that way. Long before a world that would contain the likes of Will & Grace, Ellen, or an openly gay Billie Jean King, there were no role models of healthy, happy gay or lesbian people. Bisexual or transgender people were unimaginable. Allen Ginsberg, Malcolm Boyd, and other gay pioneers may have existed, but they were completely unknown to a farm kid in Kentucky.

In my early teens, friends of mine somehow obtained a copy of a Playboy magazine. As we were all looking at it, I became aware that these pictures (hardly revealing at all, compared with todays standards) were doing more for my friends than for me. And almost instantly, I perceived that to admit that these pictures were not stimulating to me would put my friendshipsand possibly my physical safetyin jeopardy. I knew there was only one thing I could do. I pretended to be someone I was not.

Increasingly, I began to worry that I was more attracted to boys than to girls. I knew well from my religious upbringing that such a reality was repugnant to God. People like that were an abomination to God, and being deeply religious myself, and loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, I found this an almost unbearable possibility. I prayed unceasingly for it not to be true, and if it were true, for God to change me. But that prayer was not answered.

The month I graduated from college, the Stonewall riotthe symbolic launch of the gay rights movementoccurred in New York City, but of course I knew nothing about that event. By the time I discerned my call to ordination and headed off to seminary, I was pretty sure that I was attracted to men. Gay was not yet a word generally used to describe homosexuals, but I knew what I was, and I didnt like it. Hardly a minute went by that I didnt loathe myself.

I set about the task of getting myself cured. I liked women and had always had great relationships with my female friends. Surely, with enough helpfrom God and a good therapistI could live my dream: to meet and fall in love with a young woman, get married, and have a family. Therapy twice a week for two years resulted in my feeling ready for such a relationship, and during a stint as a chaplain intern at the University of Vermont, I did meet a wonderful young woman. Within two weeks of meeting her, I confessed that virtually all of my relationships (very few, to be honest) had been with men but that through therapy I had changed. I believed with all my heart that I had changed. But about a month before the wedding, I broke down in tears one night, wondering aloud to my wife-to-be if this attraction to men might one day rear its ugly head. She comforted me and said, If that happens, we love each other enough to deal with it. A year after meeting, we were indeed married.