Cullen - A Midlife Cyclist My two-wheel journey to heal a broken mind and find joy

Rachel shows masses of heart and guts, not only in her peddling challenges but also in her ability to lay bare her fears and insecurities for all to see. We all have an inner critic and body dysmorphic disorder is more common than one would think. Its high time it was out there and discussed. Rachels frank and funny style shines a light on this difficult subject and will help many people to feel seen and inspired.

Melanie Sykes, broadcaster

Rachel writes with a witty honesty and, at times, hard-hitting directness about her anxieties. Her dogged determination with her running and cycling is an uplifting example of how exercise can trigger such positive feeling.

Josie Dew, cyclist and author

A rollercoaster that any aspiring runner or cyclist can relate to. From the catastrophic lows of injury to the soaring highs of chasing down your goals its both magical and exhausting all at once. You find yourself rooting for her even more the second time round.

Nat Scroggie, This Vet Runs blog

Will resonate with readers who suffer from body dysmorphic disorder and other mental health challenges.

Miriam Daz-Gilbert, author and ultrarunner

Honest. Brutally so. Rachels account of dealing with injury and the despair in which she finds herself is a searing account of mental and physical torment.

Jeff McCarthy, RunEatRepeat blog

I love this book for showing how, with sheer determination and dogged tenacity, you can overcome great difficulties She might even persuade me that one day I too could love running.

Louise Minchin, TV presenter

Its so inspirational to read how Rachels discovery of a passion for running helped her to overcome her mental health struggles. Its heartwarming to learn how Rachel has been able to prove to herself that she really can achieve things that she would have never believed were possible.

Jo Pavey, long-distance runner and medallist

A searingly honest account of Rachels amazing journey Id thoroughly recommend this book to runners everywhere.

Tom Williams, Global COO of parkrun

What a heartfelt, moving, honest journey of self-discovery this is a book you have to pick up.

Sissi Reads blog

Running For My Life is a rich, colourful and brutally honest account of one womans fight to beat her mental health demons.

The Very Pink Notebook blog

Full of heart and beautifully told inspirational, melancholy and often very funny, its kind of a road map of the inner soul I loved it.

Liz Loves Books blog

Written wittily, honestly and with a take no crap attitude, I could feel the warmth of [Rachel] as a person in her writing. Anyone who is hungry for change, looking for the light or even running their first marathon and needing a little insight: this book is FOR YOU! I loved every chapter.

Lipstick & Trainers blog

RACHEL ANN CULLEN

Published by Blink Publishing
8081 Wimpole St,
Marylebone,
London W1G 9RE

www.blinkpublishing.co.uk

facebook.com/blinkpublishing

twitter.com/blinkpublishing

Trade Paperback 978-1-788-701-84-6

Ebook 978-1-788-701-85-3

Audio 978-1-788-703-20-8

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing of the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset by seagulls.net

All illustrations Shutterstock

Copyright Rachel Ann Cullen, 2020

Rachel Ann Cullen has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

This book is a work of non-fiction, based on the life, experiences and recollections of Rachel Ann Cullen. Certain details in this story, including names, have been changed to protect identity and privacy.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

Blink Publishing is an imprint of Bonnier Books UK

www.bonnierbooks.co.uk

For Mum because you are and always were enough.

I am riding a bike through tiny paths, weaving in between rice fields. I look across to my left and a farmer is diligently tending to the crops in his field. A Vietnamese woman cycles towards us on what looks like a 1960s retro high-handlebar bike. It reminds me of the classic scene from E.T. when the boys ride up into the sky. She is wearing a traditional Vietnamese conical hat, which is tied underneath her chin with a floral scarf. I can see a pair of battered old shoes sitting in the rusty basket on the front of her ancient push bike and an enormous bundle of harvested grasses is miraculously tied to the back. As she passes me I catch her eye and her virtually toothless smile is almost the same width as her hat.

I can hear nothing other than the sound of my own wheels turning and the occasional barking of a dog. I realise in this moment that I am experiencing happiness, that this is it. A feeling of peace and tranquillity fills my being, and I know that right here riding a bike through one of the most serene and truly peaceful places I have ever known is filling my heart with joy. There is no stress or anxiety here. The farmer quietly tending the rice crops in his field isnt in a battle with himself, or weighed down with the burden of the daily grind. The pocket-sized Vietnamese woman cycling along, transporting her massive bundle of crops with a pair of battered old shoes in the basket of her relic bike, doesnt appear to be battling any inner turmoil and I doubt she has been making enquiries with a local psychotherapist to tackle issues relating to her self-hatred. She looks as content riding her retro bicycle through the paddy fields as it is possible to be.

It makes me think of my own wrangling with my ever-present angst and my busy, chattering mind, which tries to tie me in endless knots and wrestle me into headlocks most hours of most days. Anxiety? That doesnt exist, here. Worry? Worry about what? Noise? Both internal and external noise are simply not a part of this reality.

Im riding my Trek Hardtail bike through Vietnamese rice fields and I feel absolutely and truly peaceful. Its a kind of peace that transcends anything I have ever known. I push down on the pedals and realise that I am IN the tranquillity. I am A PART of it. I am HERE. In this moment, nothing else matters. My worries cease to exist. My anxious chatter about the hows and the whys and other disproportionate concerns about lifes frustrating minutiae is for once completely silenced.

I am riding my bike and I feel as peaceful and as present as I can ever remember being. Of course, Ive experienced similar feelings whilst riding my bike back home, but something about the beauty of this place cements what I already knew: that this is a special moment for me and that my long journey to arrive here has all been worthwhile.