Joyce Rupp - Dear Heart, Come Home: The Path of Midlife Spirituality

the persistent voice of midlife

wooed and wailed, wept and whined,

nagged like an endless toothache,

seduced like an insistent lover,

promised a guide to protect me

as I turned intently toward my soul.

as I stood at the door of Go Deeper

I heard the egos howl of resistance,

felt the shivers of my false security

but knew there could be no other way.

inward I traveled, down, down,

drawn further into the truth

than I ever intended to go.

as I moved far and deep and long

eerie things long lain hidden

jeered at me with shadowy voices,

while love I'd never envisioned

wrapped compassionate ribbons

'round my fearful, anxious heart.

further in I sank, to the depths,

past all my arrogance and confusion,

through all my questions and doubts,

beyond all I held to be fact.

finally I stood before a new door:

the Hall of Oneness and Freedom.

uncertain and wary, I slowly opened,

discovering a space of welcoming light.

I entered the sacred inner room

where everything sings of Mystery.

no longer could I deny or resist

the decay of clenching control

and the silent gasps of surrender.

there in that sacred place of my Self

Love of a lasting kind came forth,

embracing me like a long beloved one

come home for the first time.

much that I thought to be me

crept to the corners and died.

in its place a Being named Peace

slipped beside and softly spoke my name:

Welcome home, True Self,

I've been waiting for you.

JOYCE RUPP

M Y MIDLIFE JOURNEY has taken me deeper than I ever dreamed I would go. It has not always been a journey that I have chosen. I have felt, at times, that I was being pushed and shoved forward on the road that would set me free. At other times, I relentlessly pursued the path that led down to the darkness where wisdom waited to greet me. Throughout much of this time I was unaware of the quiet yet persistent growth taking place within me.

I began keeping a personal journal when I was twenty-seven years old. I did so out of the loneliness and pain that were a part of my life then. (My younger brother had recently died, and I was working in an area that was far from loved ones.) As I began journaling, I quickly discovered that it was a way not only to keep in touch with my inner self but also to draw forth some of the mystery of my being and the well-kept God-secrets that dwelt there. I have made entries in my journals almost every day since that early decision to write. Over the years I have been amazed at the words that formed themselves on the pages. Tears have often come as I've reread the journals and felt a Power much greater than myself moving through those words.

About five years ago I realized that I wanted to share some of my inner journey during the midlife phase because that is when I grew the most and where I discovered profound wisdoms. It is the time when I most clearly heard the call to come home to my true Self.

I firmly believe that the deeper down we go the more it is possible to experience some common elements of the psyche, such as existential loneliness, yearnings for truth and meaning, fear of the darkness, and longings for inner peace. I am convinced that if I can be honest and vulnerable with my own process, others will draw courage and comfort from it because they will see some of their own life reflected in mine. This sharing is not easy for me to do. As an introvert I feel as if I am walking naked on the pages. But I also believe that I am called to do this and I want to honor this call from within.

When Susan Shaughnessy promotes the value of journal-keeping, she suggests that not only the process of writing but also a review of the content of journals at a later phase in one's life can be a good resource of growth. Shaughnessy writes: And there they [the journals] lie, waiting until a time when you revisit them and sift for gold. This was my endeavor as I walked through my midlife history.