Erin Leyba - Joy Fixes for Weary Parents: 101 Quick, Research-Based Ideas for Overcoming Stress and Building a Life You Love

Copyright 2017 by Erin Leyba

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, or other without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

The material in this book is intended for education. It is not meant to take the place of diagnosis and treatment by a qualified medical practitioner or therapist. No expressed or implied guarantee of the effects of the use of the recommendations can be given or liability taken.

Text design by Megan Colman

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

First printing, April 2017

ISBN 978-1-60868-473-1

Ebook ISBN 978-1-60868-474-8

Printed in Canada on 100% postconsumer-waste recycled paper

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To my kind and loving partner, Desi Leyba, who offered unwavering support for this book, and my three spirited children, who fill my life with laughter, love, and so much joy. And to my mom and dad for teaching me about warmth and kindness, and for always reminding me to find the fun.

You know how certain things like snowboarding or Sudoku or knitting seem a lot easier before you try them yourself? Well, I wasnt expecting that parenthood would be so pushy, so strong-willed in the way it insisted I grow. Even though I had wanted kids my whole life, worked as a child and family counselor for fifteen years, been a child development and social work professor, and read every parenting book I could find, the challenges of parenting still caught me off guard. The vulnerability. The intensity. Not being able to make everyone happy. Surviving on so little sleep. Having a kitchen that looked like a New Years Eve party exploded there every single night. And the fatigue a sneaky tiredness that crept past my muscles into my bones. The Groundhog Day experience of beating back gobs of erupting laundry. And the big feelings: the red-hot embarrassment when my kid was mean to my best friends kid. The raw sadness that passed to me like a relay baton when my kid was excluded. The anxiety that squeezed me like a boa constrictor when my four-month-old was hospitalized with a heart problem.

Ill always love parenting books and counseling theories, but I learned that I need more. I need perspectives and habits to keep me focused on whats important joy, love, and relationships. I need tools to help me stay alert to the awesome moments of family life the belly laughs and bear hugs and puddle stomps and I-made-this-for-you, Moms. I appreciate any nuggets that keep me feeling positive and well. Sometimes theyre muffled by Elmo music, crying, or a squeaky Big Wheel, but Im always listening for them. I need them to remind me, again and again, of the person I want to be and the person I want to stay when one of my little people streaks naked across the yard, another plate shatters on my crumb-covered floor, or one of those big feelings sweeps over me with the velocity and force of a November stomach flu.

Through my work as a therapist, Ive met some of the most courageous people Ive ever known people who work toward joy in the midst of immense challenge. People who unearth bits of grace when anyone else would step right over them. People who somehow, with humility and patience, accept the tough parts of their lives with the same kind of vibrant love they bring to the shiny parts. Ive loved witnessing the inspiring ways that people find a way to love, a sense of hope, or a quiet thankfulness even when things are hard. Ive learned a lot this way. Ive learned the other way, too, about how tough things can get, from people coping with trauma or loss; couples reeling from affairs or reporting that theyre living like roommates; and children recovering from depression, abuse, or neglect. And, last, from working with families dealing with serious illness or loss, Ive learned about the preciousness of life that sometimes we dont have much time to get things right. All these have propelled my passion for this book.

The ideas in this book are a combination of ideas Ive gleaned from my work as an integrative social worker for individuals, couples, and children; ideas Ive discovered (and often leaned on) while raising my three spirited children (three, five, and six years old); and ideas from the latest research related to parents well-being. Stories make ideas come to life, so Ive included many of them in this book. They are purely illustrative the details and names are fictional. While not every chapter cites research, most do, and all are grounded in therapeutic practice (including task-centered, solution-focused, positive-psychology, family-systems, cognitive-behavioral, narrative, and Internal Family Systems approaches). Chapters align with a strengths-based approach, which is concerned not just with remediating problems or reducing bothersome symptoms, but also with building resilience, strengthening relationships, and creating more joy (Saleebey, 2006).

How do we build joy when we work two jobs and spend our weekends at doctors appointments, when were late for work or worried about our kids asthma? How do we stay positive when weve had no free time and less than four hours of sleep, when theres pee on the carpet or we havent had a real conversation with our partner in a week, when our son wont eat his vegetables or our daughter is failing math? How do we keep going when the toughest parts of our past spring to life and poke at us after lying dormant for years? I dont think theres one secret. I think there are a bunch, and we choose the one that works best for us in the moment, like picking a warming pumpkin-soup recipe for a cold fall day. When we use a strategy, a thought, or a tool to reorient us to a state of calm, humor, and peace a second consciousness we turn our lives (and our families) back toward joy.

Building Joy

Sometimes its easy to forget that joy is the whole point of family life. The very moment in your entire life when its most important to be joyful, when a cute little band of hooligans are following your every move, is the exact same moment when stress often spikes. You have little time to yourself, a slew of responsibilities, a rapidly shifting identity, and the brand-new, intense job of taking care of little people. Youre not sleeping. Your hormones are going berserk. You may have lost or grown apart from friends. If you are in a relationship with a partner, it may become way more complex. Struggling with sadness, loneliness, and overwhelm during this crazy time is completely normal and human. Its because of these factors and in spite of them that it becomes essential to prioritize your well-being.

In one survey, a large majority of parents 91 percent reported that parenting is their greatest joy, but 73 percent also say parenting is their biggest challenge (Zero to Three, 2016). Parents often report exhaustion, sleep deprivation, depression, domestic isolation, relationship breakdown, and unrelenting fatigue due to the continuous and intense nature of childrearing (Giallo et al., 2013; Margolis and Myrskyla, 2015; Newman, 2008). About 14 percent of new mothers experience postpartum depression (Wisner et al., 2013), about 17 percent experience postpartum anxiety (Fairbrother et al., 2016; Paul et al., 2013), and about 25 percent of moms feel lonely, isolated, or cut off from friends (stressors can detract from the emotional energy thats needed to bring connection, creativity, patience, and compassion to relationships with children and other loved ones (Giallo et al., 2012).