Bad Manners - Brave New Meal: Fresh as F*ck Food for Every Table: A Vegan Cookbook

How to Milk

Here weve got two options for you: the best milk and the lazy milk. Either way, these are way better than store-bought, and its way easier to stock up on nuts and nut butters than it is to store a ton of almond milk. Stop going to the store all the damn time and milk your own nuts.

The Best Nut Milk

Makes about 6 cups

2 cups nuts like almond, cashew, macadamia, or a mix

5 cups water

teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla extract*

1 tablespoon pure maple syrup or your favorite liquid sweetener*

Rinse the nuts and stick them in a large jar. Cover with at least 4 inches of water. Theyre gonna expand as they soak, so make sure your jar has enough room. Let them soak overnight or for at least 8 hours. Short on time? You can soak them in hot water for 2 hours, but the milk wont be as creamy.

When the nuts are good and soaked, drain and rinse them. Throw them into your blender with the 5 cups water, salt, and vanilla and maple syrup if youre using them. Youll probably hafta do this shit in batches unless you have a massive blender, and if you do then la dee fuckin dah for you. Let the blender run for at least 1 minutes because you really want all the nuts broken up and creamy.

Use a clean, old cotton shirt, dish towel, or expensive nut milk bag to strain this into whatever youre gonna store it in. If youre big blender gang, you def have those pricey nut milk bags laying around. Just pour the milk over whatever youre using to strain it, carefully gather the corners, and twist until youve got this weird nut milk udder. Now squeeze that shit until it feels like you got all the liquid out and you just have a shirt filled with nut pulp. Sexy.

Store the liquid in the fridge and it should keep for a week. It might separate while it sits, but thats natural. A good shake will have it looking good as new.

* Optional but delicious.

The Easier but Not as Delicious Nut Milk

Sometimes you wake up and realize you have fuck all to put in your coffee. Theres no time for soaking and barely time for blending. This is your SOS milk. Its tasty and works in a pinch but nothing compares to the longer version.

Makes 2 cups

cup almond or cashew butter

2 cups water

teaspoon vanilla extract*

1 teaspoon pure maple syrup or your favorite liquid sweetener*

Throw the nut butter, water, vanilla, and maple syrup into the blender and run it for at least a minute to get all creamy. Store this in the fridge and it will keep for a week.

* Optional but barely.

Apple Mormon Muffins

This recipe is based on the famous muffins from Rainbow Acres grocery store outside Ogden, Utah, which are legendary in the West. Youve never had a muffin until youve hammered down one of these perfectly moist motherfuckers. And now without all the dairy and eggs, you, too, can eat enough fiber in one sitting to kill a horse.

Makes 12 big or 18 regular-sized muffins

1 tablespoon baking soda

1 cup boiling water

2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar or lemon juice

1 cups almond or other nondairy milk

cup nondairy butter or coconut oil, at room temperature

1 cup cane sugar

2 tablespoons ground flaxseeds

2 cups all-purpose flour

teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

2 cups bran flakes

1 cups wheat germ

cup walnuts or pecans, chopped

2 apples, chopped (about 2 cups)

In a small bowl, mix the baking soda with the boiling water and set it aside. In a cup, mix the vinegar into the milk and set that shit aside, too.

In a bowl, with an electric mixer (or just a whisk and some goddamn willpower), whip the butter until it starts to look fluffy, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the sugar and ground flaxseeds and beat until incorporated. Okay, were done with the beating.

Stir in the milk mixture, flour, salt, and cinnamon and mix again until everything is combined. Add the baking soda/water very slowly and dont fucking burn yourself. Make sure thats all incorporated again. Gently fold in the bran flakes, wheat germ, walnuts, and apples. You can bake these bran-filled fuckers now or you can let the batter sit overnight in the fridge for an even better muffin. Up to you.