Anita Rani - The Right Sort of Girl

First published in the UK by Blink Publishing

An imprint of Bonnier Books UK

The Plaza, 535 Kings Road, Chelsea, London, SW10 0SZ

Owned by Bonnier Books

Sveavgen 56, Stockholm, Sweden

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Hardback 978-1-788-704-23-6

eBook 978-1-788-704-25-0

Audiobook 978-1-788-704-26-7

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

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Copyright Anita Rani, 2021

Anita Rani has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

This book is a work of non-fiction, based on the life, experiences and recollections of Anita Rani. Certain details in this story, including names, have been changed to protect identity and privacy.

Blink Publishing is an imprint of Bonnier Books UK

www.bonnierbooks.co.uk

For daughters with secrets.

And for my mum, who now knows (some of) mine.

Contents

Dear Anita,

At 40, you will be a TV presenter, and you will have a share of the spotlight. You will be seen as a success. You will have your voice heard across the nation on the radio, across the world on programmes and documentaries. You will push forward with boundless energy, enthusiasm and optimism, you will have a ton of fun and will get swept up in it all, in the belief that if you work hard, you will climb the heights of success and you will, to a point.

Only, it will be at a slow, steady pace. Sometimes it will feel like you are trudging through sludge to get there, sometimes it will feel so slow you wonder if you are moving at all. Life and its struggles will get to the point where you begin to doubt yourself and who you are. It will wear you down, but you will continue to smile because thats what TV presenters do.

Sometimes, quite often really, you will feel like a fuck-up, a failure, a shell. You will get to 40 and realise you dont really know who you are anymore. Once you realise this, it will become the most important thought you ever had. You will realise its time for a reset. To rethink, recreate and remember who you are.

Were going to figure out if there really is a right sort of girl, together. Its a question weve been haunted by. How is a woman built? What sort of building blocks in girlhood are needed to create the right sort of woman? A woman who nails everything in life, who hurdles over any boundaries in her way, who never stops, never fails, and really does have it all. Can such a girl or woman even exist?

So, young Anita, were going to delve into lessons I wish you had known. Things like the fact that Food Will Always Be Life and Families Are Never Simple. There will be ups and downs, laughter and tears. But there will also be the essence of you, a portrait of a girl and the woman she grew into.

Now is your time. The pressure cooker has started to whistle. Its speak or explode.

So speak.

Love,

Anita

Introduction:
The Right Sort of Girl

Ive spent no time on self-reflection at any point in my life. Seriously, Ive been too busy. Ive been occupied from the minute I was born. Learning how to speak two languages, navigating two cultures, figuring out how to express who I am and planning my escape. An escape to freedom. Working, playing, thinking about boys, listening to music, going on Instagram. All the while trying to be the right sort of girl, and then the right sort of woman. Ive been far too busy working life out to think about my life thus far. It seems right that in my forties, in midlife (ish), I take stock. I could have gone on a retreat, taken a holiday or just gone down the pub to do this. But I thought Id share my tale with you, instead.

As one of the few brown women in TV, you might recognise me or my name. You might have mistaken me for someone else at some point Youre the one off the news. Try again! Kids TV? Nope! My parents gave me an international name, one that doesnt really give much away. For a long time, I kept my family background to myself. I didnt want to be branded or seen as belonging to any gang. Im whatever you think I am! Its the way Ive liked it. But the last 40 years have been spent exploring my identity in one way or another, and the world around me has helped it take shape. The world around me has made me question where I belong.

How do I fit in? Where is my place in the world? Ive spent so long morphing and shapeshifting into whats expected of me in every situation Im in, I think Ive lost who I really am along the way. Am I the daughter, the wife, the TV presenter? Indian, British, Northern, Punjabi, a Londoner? These are the questions I needed to find the answer to, they are my motivation to write this book. To remind me of who I am. To tell my younger self not to lose her sense of self in her quest to fit in, trying to be the right sort of girl.

How on earth did I get to where I am today? This is no overnight success story, this is not a fairy-tale, not in the traditional sense, but there is plenty of magic. No one is going to save me, spoiler alert! This is a story about grit, determination and tenacity. I may have carved a niche in a landscape that wasnt designed for me but, in the process, I may also have forgotten the most important thing. Me. Ive spent so long trying to fit in, learning whats required of me and adapting to any given situation, I may just have lost the point of who I am.

This is a book about time and place and escape.

Its about food and family and friends.

Its about years of trauma, shame, fear and anger.

Its about power. Reclaiming power for myself, sending some back to teenage me and channelling some through to you, too.

Im the first-born daughter of Punjabi immigrants to this land, and I have to share my story. We have to tell our stories. We need to explain who we are, whether we want to or not. For us, art is political. Our existence is political. Im a broadcaster and presenter, so my job is to tell important tales that tell us about the world and reflect something back about who we are. Now, Im going to tell you my story. The story of a determined and frustrated lass from Yorkshire who wanted to find a place where she could become something more than what was expected of her, and a place where shes accepted for who she is.

I believe its an important tale to tell. Its a tale of a life of confusion, fear, shame, joy, love and laughter. It may not be what youre expecting, but God knows I wish Id read a book like this when I was a kid. Maybe then the world might not have felt half as lonely as it did. At times, this is a lonely tale. Its the tale of an outsider, a misfit, an oddball on the periphery, a loose cannon, a nonconformist who was made to conform. I might make you sad at times, but I hope to hell I make you smile too. Its just growing up, after all.

Ive experienced life as an Asian woman, so my book is naturally written from that perspective, but there are themes which are universal to the human experience, that I hope will resonate with every sort of reader. Ive exposed my secrets, aired my dirty laundry including my actual pants and dealt with issues Ive kept buried for many years. Even now Im nervous about what I say. How much I tell you. How much I share. Telling my story seemed important to me, for me to discover who I was again, what I stood for, the very essence of myself. But its not just for me. Its for you, too. For anyone who has never felt enough, who has ever been left out, othered, made fun of just for being slightly different to the norm.