Wendy Strgar - Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy

Love That Works

A Guide to

Enduring Intimacy

Wendy Strgar

Copyright (c) 2010 Wendy Strgar

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the author.

Printed in the United States of America

For information, contact

Love Words Press

1891 Lincoln Street

Eugene, Oregon 97401

Strgar, Wendy

Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy/ Wendy Strgar 1st ed.

ISBN 978-1-4507-3428-8

eISBN 9781624889981

Love Words Press books are available for special promotions, premiums, or corporate training.

For information, contact First edition

Editor: Zanne Miller

Cover design: Jan Ryan

Book typography: Jan Ryan

Cover photo: Fotosearch

Back cover photo: Andrea Allen Sis

P R A I S E F O R L O V E T H A T W O R K S

"In Love That Works, Wendy Strgar has given us a road map to more satisfying, sustainable relationships. This is an excellent book that anyone who is partnered or married should own. Love That Works is one of the best books I've read about the hard but rewarding work of what it means to love."

Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure & Satisfaction

"I love this book! It reads like the 'Zen of relationships'

powerful quotes, followed up with a combination of memoir, case studies and philosophy. Wendy has obviously learned a lot from her own marriage and those of others, and she shares her insights in a powerful and memorable way. She has organized her thoughts with metaphors of the four elements: earth, air, fire and water

as the basic ingredients of a lasting marriage. It's a very helpful book, and obviously a labor of love." Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (aka "Dr. Romance") psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage

"Love That Works is the playbook of love. Love is a complicated sport and Coach Strgar lays out the x's and o's to help you succeed! It is a practical, every day guide to understanding and managing your love life. Enter the "laboratory of love" and you'll get to stand back and see what real people do to sustain their loving relationships. Keep it handy, because when things get difficult, you'll want to refer to Love That Works."

Mark Schoen, Ph.D. Founder, SexSmartFilms.com

"Love That Works is an honest, loving, heartfelt cure for our culture of relationship cynicism. In discussing her own marriage and the relationships of others, we are confronted with hope, forgiveness, and vulnerability, through examples that both empower and give us courage in opening ourselves to love. A gem of a book for those seeking greater depth and meaning in their relationships. This book can help any love be sustainable!"

P. Michele Sugg, MSW, LCSW AASECT Certified Sex Therapist; Sex Therapy Advisor, Alexander Foundation for Women's Health

"Wendy offers a medicine that's sorely needed in this time of conflict, difficulty and stress, and she prescribes it honestly, delicately and with the utmost respect. Hers is a great and important medicine for our time."

Nina Simons, Founder of Bioneers

"Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness."

Sigmund Freud

For Franc

and his enduring love.

Dedicated to my children,

Ana, Ian, Luke and Emma.

For all the ways I have learned to love you

and all the ways that I hope love will envelop you.

Many other people figure into the stories that make up the pages of the book. These couples made me the loveologist I am today. I am grateful for the confidence they showed in me as well as the courage they demonstrated in sharing their stories of trying to love over and over again. A word of thanks should also be directed at the business, Good Clean Love, which started in my kitchen and has grown into a product company that I am proud to say I founded. Our customers have often become our friends, and knowing them inspired this book.

My own family life has long served as a living laboratory of love, and I thank my husband, Franc and my four children, Ana, Ian, Luke and Emma for all they have taught me about the resilience and strength that comes from love that lasts. The best decision I ever made and one that has made the rest of my life possible was marrying Franc, and I am grateful every day, even the really difficult ones, for his devotion and constancy.

Each of my children is a lightning rod for my heart in a different way. Watching them become themselves and sharing their lives with so much depth and intimacy has been the healing journey of my life.

I have always felt fortunate to be able to do work that most deeply reflects who I am and what I believe I was put here to do.

For this great privilege, I am indebted to all of my friends and family who have encouraged me to speak from my heart and who were gracious enough to listen. I am convinced that the only real purpose for our lives is to manifest love that works and reaches out in ever increasing concentric circles. How blessed I am to have a life dedicated to that cause.

PREFACE

There is not another country or culture in the world that craves long-term relationships yet fails at them at such a pace as the United States. By expecting our relationships to make us happy and meet our needs instead of recognizing their capacity to teach us how to love more, we refuse the daily, messy work of relating

learning how to communicate, negotiate and master shared difficulties and challenges.

This misunderstanding impacts our ability to commit as well.

True happiness comes as a result of the sustained emotional investment in other people. Commitment comes from developing the ability to remember that you really love someone, even if you aren't feeling it.

That said, it is easy to get completely mired in facing the many challenges of building a life together, and forget that relationships are also built on shared experiences of pleasure and fun. By injecting playful intimacy and novel problem-solving experiences you actually strengthen the bond that allows you to deal with the challenges that life inevitably generates.

Ultimately our loving relationships are the most gentle and effective education we engage in to become the person we want to be. Rather than focusing on finding the right partner, commitment works best when we approach it as a method of personal growth.

The cultural myth of the perfect partner or soul mate is a distraction that keeps us from the real work of love. This book is dedicated to helping you in that work and in creating love that lasts.

CHAPTER 1

Making Your Love Sustainable

We all want to be loved. Yet in a world

driven by commercial messages about

entitled happiness and freedom of choice, our relationships bear the burden of the misguided belief, that, like the stuff we accumulate, they are interchangeable and disposable if they do not meet our needs. Instead of recognizing another's capacity to teach us how to love more, we refuse the daily, messy work of relatinglearning how to communicate, negotiate and master shared difficulties and challenges.

This misunderstanding impacts our ability to commit as well.

True happiness comes as a result of sustained emotional investment in other people. When we commit, we agree to not measure our relationship on a daily barometer: Although there may be many a day when honoring our commitment to our relationships contradicts our momentary feelings of frustration and disappointment, commitment comes from developing the ability to remember that you really love someone, even if you aren't feeling it.