Joel D. Block - The Real Reasons Men Commit: Why He Will - or Wont - Love, Honor and Marry You

The Real
Reasons
Men
Cmmit

Avon, Massachusetts

My Family and Friends: The rest is decoration.

Joel D. Block, Ph.D.

For my amazing family, who taught me the meaning of unconditional love and support.
For my friends, who feed my soul.
And, to all the women still looking for the one. Dont give up.... I havent.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Beauty, will you marry me? She answered softly, Yes, dear Beast. As she spoke a blaze of light sprang up before the windows of the palace; fireworks crackled and guns banged, and all across the avenue of orange trees, in letters all made of fireflies, was written: Long live the prince and his bride.

Beauty and the Beast

W ith a marriage proposal like that, its no wonder every little girl grows up with a desire to find her own Prince Charming. But that was once upon a time. What about once upon right now? Does the modern woman need a happily-ever-after? After all, shes smart, career oriented, self-sufficient, and probably needs a man like a cricket needs an iPod. However, theres a difference between need and desire.

Finding a man to love forever is still something todays independent woman wants. Who can blame her? Love is a drug. And Mr. Right holds the promise of that profound euphoria. With him, life is full and rich and just a little bit easier to navigate. So its a natural instinct for the single woman to be anxious to find The Oneand get her chance at everlasting love.

Most men, however, are not in the same hurry. Even discounting female biological pressures, their timeline is quite different. For example, if a guys already in a sexual relationship and the subject of commitment remains elusive, its likely because hes quite content with where things stand. His girl may be great, the sex may be great, but settling down, well, that may not sound so great. As a woman, you try to rationalize this reasoning. Maybe his parents didnt read him enough fairy tales. Maybe hes a playboy at heart. Or maybe youre not The One. In reality, he might just be happy with the way things are and figures why mess that up by promising commitment?

The truth is most single women often mistake convenient companionship and ready sex for indications that the man theyre with wants a future with them. One thing women dont understand, though, is that mutual attraction doesnt always carry the same meaning for him as it does for her. To her, sex leads to love and that inevitably leads to forever (and ever). For him, sex is frequently... well, just sex.

Guys are not stupid. A man usually recognizes a woman wont just hop into bed with him unless hes invested in her. But men know the romantic stuff women loveflowers, candlelight dinners, heartfelt e-mail exchangesand use it as foreplay. So, he may appear invested, or even be invested to an extentbut it doesnt mean hes committed.

So how do you know if youre on the road to forever when its clearly a slippery slope between convenience and commitment? Of course youre going to want to believe in the fairy-tale ending if youre with a man who seems to be sending all the right signals. And there is nothing wrong with that. But, wouldnt it be nice to be able to discern between a real Mr. Right and the frequently encountered Mr. Not-Right-Now?

The Real Reasons Men Commit is an honest look at whats happening in the minds of men when facing the subject of future. Its a detailed guide to separating the real thing from the dead-end relationships that steal your time, sap your energy, and leave you single and (ugh) still searching.

Your guides for facing your future are a male and female team. Joel D. Block, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychologist and author of nearly twenty books on love and sex. He knows the male psyche. Even more important, he specializes in dealing with sexuality and relationships in his very active practice and answers dozens of e-mails around the issue of commitment nearly every week.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a popular New York Citybased dating/sex/relationship writer who has also worked extensively on Broadway (making her privy to more than a little relationship drama). She and her friends have been in the trenches. Some have found true love; others are still looking. But all of them agree that when it comes to commitment, there is a difference between the men who will speak of future and mean it, and the boys who are still messing around. In writing this book, she hopes to elucidate how to spot a keeper.

Between them, Joel and Kimberly bring two important perspectivesthe man whos an expert on men and relationships, and the woman whos been in your shoes (and nearly worn them out). Together theyve fleshed out what will lead a man to commit, and view it as a positive step in his life rather than the acquisition of a ball-and-chain.

The truth is that sometimes men are actually confused about the realities of commitment. They may be commit-prone, but simply need some coaching to fortify their courage. Once you learn to spot the signs, youll be better able to determine if you should stay with a relationship and view his ambivalence as a passing phase, or recognize that its time to move on.

The Real Reasons Men Commit was designed to address the questions you keep asking yourself: Can he commit to me? Is this just sex, a bookmark in his life, or the real thing that just needs a little encouragement? What is the best approach to cultivate a commitment-oriented mindset? The good news is that there are definitive answers and soon youll be better able to tell the difference between a guy with cold feet and one stuck in an intractable single-forever stance.

COMMITMENT
and the Common Man

H itting it off with a new man is thrillingespecially if hes handsome, funny, and not a distant relative of Ted Bundy. When the initial attraction resonates deeper and you find that you actually like the guy, even better! You come to spend more and more time with each other. You start dating. And after awhile, you begin entertaining the idea that this relationship might actually be going somewhere. But where exactly, and when?

You dont want to be single forever; dating loses its appeal. You want something permanent. You want to be in it with a partner. Bottom line: You want a commitment.

Commitment is not a fleeting, lust-driven state. In fact, its just the opposite. More obvious during hard times than in the rush of passion, commitment isnt really tested until infatuation wears off. Youre seeking more than that special somebody; you want that special somebody whos in it for the long hauleven after the sizzle fizzles and the companionship is more comfortable than energized.

Truth be told, weve put a lot of thought into what fuels commitment issues. Our conclusion? Fear is merely the surface manifestation of much deeper emotions that hinder long-term relationships. When the guy you are interested in is unable to entertain the idea of commitment, its probably not just about you, the timing, or whatever other excuse he may have given you. The more likely culprits? Vulnerability and his abject distaste for emotional instability.