Catherine Deveny - Free to a Good Home

Deveny. The Other White Meat
Always the Back Page, Never the
Page-Three Girl
The World According to a Serial Pest
and Professional Pain in the Arse
Decapitator of Tall Poppies
Dont Worry, if I Havent Offended You Yet,
Ill Get to You Eventually
Daredevil with Blowtorch
Free to a Good Home
Whistle Blowing for Dummies
Come Here and Say That
iDev 2.0
This Year with a Centrefold
Cut Here
Because I Said So
Screaming Blue Murder
Try Me
And What if I Dont?
The Only Way To Stop Me Is To Kill Me
Still Kicking and Screaming
A One-Trick Pony in a One-Horse Town
Who Thinks Shes Pharlap
Combat-Fatigued and Runway-Ready
Corporate Maggots, Uptight White Honkies and
Middle-Class, Middle-Aged White Men
Need Not Apply
Smart Mouth, Dumb Ideas
You Couldnt Handle Half of Me, Sunshine

Catherine
DEVENY

Published by Black Inc., an imprint of Schwartz Media Pty Ltd Level 5, 289 Flinders Lane Melbourne Victoria 3000 Australia email: enquiries@blackincbooks.comhttp://www.blackincbooks.com

Copyright Catherine Deveny 2009

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior consent of the publishers.

The National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

Deveny, Catherine, 1968

Free to a good home / Catherine Deveny.

ISBN for eBook edition: 9781921825576

ISBN for print edition: 9781863954556 (pbk)

Australian wit and humor. Australia--Social life and customs--Humor.

306.4810994

The Age is a registered trademark of The Age Company Ltd

Cover image: Erik Fossen (flickr.com/littlebigjoe) Book design by Thomas Deverall

For Sam Stafford,A true friend and a beautiful man.

Daniel Burt, Chris Feik and Michael Lallo: Id take a bulletfor any of you.

Louise Fox, Caitlin Crowley and Marie-Louise Walker:you may not be Charlies Angels, but at times I think youmay be mine.

Clare Somers, Monique Ryan and Bridget Costelloe: thank you.

P.S. Sally Heath, you deserve a medal.

CONTENTS

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1. The right to redefinition

Any sportsman who has displayed the behaviour of a thug, an alcoholic, a violent sociopath or a rapist has the right to be described as a rough diamond, loveable rogue or knock about character with a heart of gold.

2. The right to fish for compliments from foreign visitors

Citizens have the right to ask foreigners, How do you like Australia? If the foreigner does not respond enthusiastically that Australia is the greatest place in the world, the foreigner is immediately to be deported and forced to wear a Ken Done I Love Australia T-shirt for the rest of their lives.

3. The prohibition against excluding oneself from a shout

When draining a few cans at a local establishment, no person is to undermine the liberty of his compatriots by refusing to participate in the shout excuses of being a poof, having to get up early or being violently allergic to alcohol notwithstanding.

4. The right to cringe, culturally speaking

a) When watching a feature film from Overseas, the appearance of any person with anAustralian accent is to be heralded with the excited ejaculation: That guys Australian. Did you hear that?

b) Citizens must take every opportunity to remind fellow citizens that we invented the Hills Hoist, the VCR and the wine cask. We means all of us. It is prohibited to acknowledge the names of the individuals responsible. When one wins, we all win. When one of us fails, he or she is unAustralian.

c) A citizen is honoured with the title Our when people from Overseas acknowledge he or she exists. E.g. Our Hugh, Our Nic, Our Cate, Our Kylie and Our Mary, Princess of Denmark.

5. The right to bear jingos

The flying of the Australian flag outside a persons home or the wearing of an Australian flag to a sporting event is an unassailable right of Australian citizens. It confirms their jingoism and reinforces their belief that Australia is better than Anywhere Else and, by extension, that they are better than Anyone Else for living Here.

6. The responsibility to Australianise

Citizens are required to act more Australian than Steve Irwin when conversing with recently arrived visitors from Overseas. Citizens are required to punctuate sentences with bonza, sheila, crikey, strewth and cobber, and to draw the visitors attention to our extreme weather and dangerous animals. It is imperative for citizens to imply that foreigners are weak and would be unable to live here because they couldnt hack it. It is compulsory for citizens to extract an admission of defeat or inadequacy from the foreigner.

7. Ladies, bring a plate

8. The right to the survival of our language

The use of the terms Pull my finger, Ive had a gutful, What are you looking at?, I shagged your sister, Come here and say that, You. Me. Carpark. Now, While youre down there, Have a stab, and Cracked the shits is enshrined in this charter. So too the universal recognition that a person you call a bastard you are fond of, but a person you call a bit of a bastard you are not.

9. The right to denial

Citizens have the right to refuse to acknowledge the existence of Tall Poppy Syndrome by playing the Underdog Card. Identifying as an underdog comforts the citizen who is not successful enough to be a tall poppy, while conveying the impression they never wanted to be one anyway, because tall poppies are wankers and deserve to be cut down. Even though they dont exist.

10. The right to make jokes about New Zealanders

All citizens have the right to refer to Kiwis as sheep shaggers, categorically refusing to acknowledge that thats what the rest of the world calls us.

11. The right to crack open a can of who gives a rats?

Federation? Constitution? Words to the national anthem? Stuffed if I know.

12. There is a universal agreement that over the fence is out

13. The right to claim the normal human response to tragedy asuniquely Australian

When a national tragedy occurs, citizens must vicariously experience the event via media saturation and trauma porn. Citizens must comment that acts of compassion and assistance are uniquely Australian and an intrinsic part of the Australian character. Any suggestion that this is a normal reaction and a universal expression of the human spirit is prohibited.

14. The right to defend our slags, scrags and scrubbers

Citizens are to be outraged when migrants call our women sluts. All citizens are obliged to uphold our womens honour by strenuously asserting that we have the best sluts in the world, which is why they call this place the Lucky Country.

15. The right to refuse to loan a power tool

Any person approached by a fellow citizen widely acknowledged to be a bludger, a bit dodgy or a bloody hopeless klepto and requesting to borrow a power tool has the right to respond, Rack off and buy your own, you tightarse. And by the way, I want me shifters back.