Kerry Patterson - Crucial Conversations (Summary): Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Crucial conversations are those everyday interactions that significantly affect your life. They differ from ordinary dialogues because the opinions of the participants vary, their emotions are high and the stakes are significant. The way you deal with these important discussions can have a positive or negative result and change the course of your life. Some examples of crucial conversations include breaking up or reconciling with a partner, giving your boss feedback or asking for a pay rise. Often, people shy away from such conversations or handle them poorly. The best way to deal with such situations is to face up to the conversation and handle it with skill.

A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary and (3) emotions run strong.

Research with more than 20,000 people in hundreds of organizations showed that influential people those who have successfully achieved their goals and built strong personal and professional relationships develop an ability to handle crucial conversations effectively. They are skilled in discussing difficult, controversial, high-stakes topics. Cultivating that ability will improve your career prospects, your relationships and even your health. You will increase the level of productivity in your company, because you will be better equipped to deal with challenging working relationship topics.

At the heart of mastering crucial conversations is the ability to engage in dialogue. Essentially, this means you are able to open an interaction and converse freely with another person.

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.

For example, a corporate vice president once had reservations about the CEO's wish to move to a new location. Others in the firm feared the move, but also were afraid to speak up. At a crucial meeting, the VP expressed his concerns in a quiet yet powerfully diplomatic way. The CEO then realized that he had been trying to force his opinion on others and gracefully backed down.

When two or more people enter into a crucial conversation, they dont share the same thoughts and opinions. Masters of dialogue create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe about adding his or her own views to the shared pool of ideas being expressed. Even if someones ideas seem wrong, step out of line with prevailing beliefs or provoke controversy, he or she should feel free to articulate them.

Creating this Pool of Shared Meaning enables people to make better choices and decisions, since they have more accurate, relevant input and information. The process may take time, but the decision will be more valuable.

If you know how to handle crucial conversations, you can step up to and effectively hold tough conversations about virtually any topic.

When people participate in shaping the meaning of an event, they are more willing to implement its outcome. They act faster and with more commitment. Building this pool of shared meaning by making it safe for others to open up and express themselves is the key to engaging in dialogue in a crucial conversation. Keep your own goals and interests in mind so you can guide the dialogue toward those goals, while also considering what others want.

So how do you master the art of fruitful dialogue? The first step is to take a long hard look at yourself and your style of conversing. Then start with heart. This means making sure you are engaging in a crucial conversation for all the right reasons and concentrating on your goals.

Keep your focus in one of two ways: First, know exactly what you want. This centers your concentration on your goals. When you are engaged in a crucial conversation, you need to ask what you want for yourself, for others and for your relationship with the other parties in the discussion. Look to your personal code, your North Star, for guidance.

In business, you dont get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.

Second, avoid the Suckers Choice trap. This occurs when you think you can only choose between two bad options, A and B. However, a better choice, C, is usually available through dialogue if you focus on what you want to achieve.

To know when a crucial conversation is looming, you must learn to watch out for signs that your discussion is becoming unhealthy. Pay attention to the content of the conversation while simultaneously perceiving the conditions, such as other participants actions, reactions and tone of voice. This pre-emptive protective measure is a form of social first aid. To invoke the dialogue process successfully, respond quickly before emotions mount to keep it from turning into a casualty case. Avoid engaging in a high-stakes exchange that turns into an argument.