Carla Naumburg - How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent

CARLA NAUMBURG, PhD

A Practical guide to becoming a calmer, happier parent

workman publishing New York

For my daughters, without whom I never would have lost my shit in the first place

For my husband, who rarely loses his shit and still loves me no matter how often I lose mine

Acknowledgments

This book wouldnt be possible without the help and guidance of Gillian MacKenzie, agent extraordinaire, and Margot Herrera and her fantastic team at Workman, including Rebecca Carlisle, Page Edmunds, Lisa Hollander, Moira Kerrigan, Beth Levy, Lathea Mondesir, and Elissa Santos. In addition, I am eternally grateful to the teachers at my daughters school for teaching them all day so I could write.

This book is so much stronger thanks to the honest, wise, and hilarious feedback from friends and my advance readers: Rachel Barbanel-Fried, Mayim Bialik, Dave Cutler, Kathleen Flinton, Alex McAdam, and Kate Rope.

Thank you to the fabulous book coach, Lisa Tener, who helped me craft my book proposal, and to my therapist, Heather, who saved my butt six ways to Saturday every Tuesday afternoon. I wouldnt have made it through the long writing days without my social media crew, who answered my random questions about 90s TV shows and caffeine drinks. I also want to thank my cats, who dont give a crap about this book but kept me company nonetheless.

I am so lucky to have the most amazing support system. So much love to my amazing sister, Daniela Silverstein, who has been with me through everything, and to my many dear friends, including Mara Acel-Green, Rachel Fish, Rachel Pytel, and Ali Wolf.

Last but not least, thank you to my husband and daughters, for, well, everything. You are my everything.

CONTENTS

The truth about parental shit loss K Its not your fault K You can get it together

Common features of parental freak-outs K The downsides of exploding K Why its so hard to stop losing your shit K A wee bit of brain science

My shit-losing days in all their glory K How I got it together again

Your triggers are making you crazy K How to know when youre triggered K Whats setting you off?

Self-care for people who despise self-care K Multitasking: Not as awesome as youd like to think K Your phone is making you lose your shit

Sleep sleep sleep. You must sleep K The village is not optional K Cut yourself a whole lotta slack

Stop thinking K Start moving K Slow your roll

How to get away from your kids K Even when youre with them

Notice K Pause K Do Literally Anything Else

Be kind K Get curious K Make nice with your kids

A recap of key points and how to put it all into practice K A ridiculously long list of potential triggers K Some awesome parenting books that will also help you not lose your shit

Introduction

Its Time to Stop Losing Your Shit

The truth about parental shit loss

K

Its not your fault

K

You can get it together

S o, youre losing your shit with your kids. You snap, shout, and scream at them. Youre irritable and reactive more often than youd like to admit. You know how you want to parent; you want to be calmer and more intentional. But no matter how hard you try, you keep losing it.

Without knowing anything else about you or your family or your particular style of freak-out, I can tell you six truths that will help you feel less ashamed and more empowered to deal with your shit instead of losing it.

Six Truths About Parental Shit Loss

Parenting is hard. Its hard for everyone. No, really, everyoneeven that Seemingly Perfect Parent, always in the front of the pickup line with her skinny soy latte and carefully vacuumed minivan. Parenting is hard for a lot of different reasons, some of which have to do with you, some of which have to do with your kid, and some of which seem more closely aligned with the phases of the moon than anything down here on planet Earth.

Every parent loses their shit sometimes. Some lose it more often, more loudly, or more publicly than others, but we all lose it. You are absolutely, positively, without a single doubt not alone in this. The New York Times published an article a few years ago that described shouting as the new spanking and labeled us a generation that yells.

Contrary to what you may think, you probably havent broken your children. Dont get me wrong; your meltdowns are not good for them or you or anybody. But you already know that. What you may not know is that humans are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for; many of us were raised by shit-losers and have grown up to be functional, productive members of society with only mild to moderate Ben & Jerry addictions. This means you can let go of some of the guilt, stress, and shame youve been hanging on to, and you probably dont need to fully fund the kids therapy accounts just yet.

Even so, losing your shit sucks. Its exhausting and feels awful for everyone. It stresses out your kids, strains your relationship with them, and makes you doubt yourself and your parenting abilities. Your meltdowns use up precious time and energy without actually fixing the problem or preventing it from happening again, and they make it harder for you to be the kind of parent you want to be. To top it all off, youre also modeling the very behavior you dont want to see in your kids.

Its not a matter of willpower. Many parents assume they should be able to just decide not to lose their shit and then have the inner strength to grit their teeth and get through difficult moments without exploding. While some of us can do that some of the time, willpower isnt as predictable or reliable as wed like to think it is. So, if you feel like youre not strong enough to hold it together, remember: Its not about strength or willpower. Its about understanding what causes meltdowns, and having the skills and strategies to deal with them effectively.

You can learn how to lose your shit a whole lot less often and how to recover more quickly when you do lose it. This isnt going to happen overnight, and it will take some work on your part, but as they say, the best things in life arent free and your kids will probably break them anyway, so were not going for the best. Were just going for better than what we have now.

Now is probably a pretty good time to mention that if youre looking for a 100 percent Money-Back Guarantee that you will never ever lose your shit again after reading this book, well, that aint gonna happen. The good news for you and me and the rest of us imperfect parents trying to raise slightly less imperfect children is that you dont have to be the Dalai Mama in order to be more intentional and less insane with your kids. That having been said, every time you manage to stay calm instead of freaking out, you create space to respond thoughtfully and parent the way you want tohowever that looks for you and your family.

Fortunately, you can do this without turning your life upside down or hiring a Super Nanny or investing in some stupidly expensive twenty-seven-step program that will completely overwhelm you before you even get to Step Three. Using simple instructions, Ill show you what you need to do to stop losing your temper. The habits and practices I recommend in this book will not just help you be a chiller, more patient parent, they will also help you be generally happier, more productive, and more in control of every other aspect of your life.

This may not be the first thing youve read on how to stop yelling or how to stay calm when your buttons are being pushed, and I'm guessing that the other advice hasnt workedotherwise you wouldnt be here. I get it. Ive read all of the articles and top-ten lists too, and not just because I had to as part of my research for this book. I first sought them out one particularly awful evening a few years ago when I plunked my tiny tyrants down in front of Daniel Tiger so I could have approximately twenty-two minutes to google how to stop yelling at my kids. Bear in mind I have a PhD in clinical social work, and I was reduced to googling that shit. If youre confused about how to deal with all of this, youre definitely not alone.