Denaye Barahona - Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids

The secret of less for calmer parents and happier kids

Denaye Barahona Ph.D.

Dear friends,

Like most parents, I had the best of intentions.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew one thing for sure. I knew I wanted to give my children the world. Every generation naturally wants to give their children more than they had themselves. I intended to give my children more.

More love. More protection. More toys. More opportunities.

More, more, and more. I wanted to do everything and be everything for my family. During my first pregnancy, this desire for more was rooted in love.

But after the birth of my first child I felt a dramatic shift. The desire quickly became rooted in fearand sometimes fear and love can mesh together in ways that are impossible to pick apart. I found myself wondering, if I didnt play with them enough, would they be happy? If I didnt stand at least two feet from them at all times on the playground, would they fall? If I didnt feed them organic food, would their brains be impacted?

All this fear (camouflaged as love) quickly started to take a toll on me. Trying to be everything and do everything for my children left me depleted. My desire to give my children more left me feeling less.

Less energy. Less joy. Less calm.

Families of today have busy, hurried, noisy lives. I know this in my personal life, but also in my professional life. I have a Ph.D. in Child Development with a specialty in Family Wellness. I work with families to find quiet amidst the noise. This work is worthy and the goals are tangibleyou can absolutely find simplicity and happiness for your family too.

This book is the story of finding simplicity for my own family. Invariably, your story will look different. But it will be equally beautiful and important. I will caution youbecause I know you have the best of intentions, too. Do not read this book with a list of boxes to check off and a lifestyle to emulate. You are too extraordinary for that. You will never fit into any perfectly shaped box or any expert-defined parenting philosophy.

Instead, I hope that you find hope and inspiration amidst the words in this book. Use it as a support tool on your journey, but dont make it your Bible. I believe this book will resonate with you and you will take away many important tools, but I also invite you to leave whatever doesnt suit you and your family. I want to help you seek out simplicity and happiness, but also empower you to write your own story. One that is perfectly made for you.

Warmly (with the best of intentions),

PS: If you are reading this and find yourself wanting to learn more, join the Simple Families Community and one of our online programs.

Monday morning came too quickly. The weekend had left me feeling unrefreshed. We attended two birthday parties, made a trip to the zoo, and caught up on errandsweekends these days felt like a race against time. Amidst the busyness, I had too many glasses of Pinot Noir to take the edge off a long week of balancing motherhood and life. All this landed me in my current position: at Starbucks in need of a quick fix.

I juggled an oversized infant carseat with an oversized infant inside, attempting to not bump into one of the many tired folks standing in line next to me. As I scanned the coffee shop I quickly locked eyes with my fellow-mom friend, Eden.

Eden was sporting the same oversized infant accessories and tired eyes.

Hi friend, how was your weekend, she asked me.

I responded in familiar fashion, Busy. Im exhausted.

Yeah, I hear you. I already need a nap, she related.

Eden and I had met at a baby playdate and connected quickly. She was calm, smart, and had a messy house that rivaled mine. We were merely nine months into motherhood and already immersed into the harried culture of busy that pervades families of today.

We grew closer as our infants grew into toddlers. Her daughter started to walk, and my son didnt. Months went by as I waited anxiously for him to get closer to this big milestone.

I coped with my anxiety by doing everything a mother could do.

I bought him all the stuff. The stuff included three different types of baby-walkers and five pairs of shoes (hard-soled, soft-soled, high-tops, low-tops, and leather moccasins).

I scheduled all the appointments. I took him to six different professionals: two pediatricians, a physical therapist, two occupational therapists, and a podiatrist. All of whom silently rolled their eyes at my crazy and sent me away with the suggestion to give him more time.

So I went to Eden. I asked her a poignant question.

Do you ever worry about worrying too much? I wondered out loud.

I cant recall how she answered. However, it didnt matter, because when I heard my question aloud I heard all of the answers I needed.

As a new mother, I realized I was blinded by the amount of fear that is hidden in love. I was blinded by the fact that good intentions can manifest themselves as pressure, stress, overwhelm, and the accumulation of stuff.

My son walked, albeit late. And on the day he walked, I didnt allow myself to relish in that milestone. Instead, my brain kept chugging along.

Okay, now when will he jump?

But I caught myself in that thought. I caught myself racing through life and throwing my first-born child into that wretched race as well.

That was the day that I said no more. I decided that it no longer mattered when he walked, jumped, or read his first book.

I pulled myself, my baby, and our future as a family out of the race.

Parenting in todays world is heavy. Family life is cluttered with an abundance of must-dos and must-haves. We feel the push to do more, have more, work more, and accomplish more. And somewhere along the way, children have become a personal measuring stick for our own success.

That measuring stick is accessible to the public in the form of social media. How many likes did the clip of your daughters ballet performance receive? Did your son pull more As than your friends son this semester?

This measuring stick and cluttered family life come at a significant cost: the well-being of our children.

As parents, we mostly have the same goals. We strive to raise children that are happy, healthy, and successful.

Yet, there is so much irony in the way we set out to achieve those goals. We want to do it all and be it all for our children, but in the process we end up overparenting. When we overparent, we attempt to manage the intricate details of our childrens lives. Cluttered family life occurs when we make significant efforts to protect our children from everyday physical and emotional distress and end up all sorts of stressed out as a result.