Rona Renner RN - Is That Me Yelling?: A Parents Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool

Becoming Aware of Yourself

Understanding Everyday Triggers

Digging Deeper

Adapting Your Parenting Style to Your Childs Temperament

Observing and Gathering Data for Success

Shifting Gears One Step at a Time

Stay Calm, Make Repairs, and Plan Your Course

Dealing with the Yeller in Your Family

Dealing with Difficult Situations, Disorders, and Differences

Foreword

Christine Carter, PhD Author, Raising Happiness September 2013

It was an afternoon like any other. Id picked my kids up from their after-school activities, and we were driving to dinner at my sister-in-laws house. Because Id left work an hour early, I still had some calls to make.

I figured Id make the calls in the car while driving to dinner. The upside of rush hour traffic was that thered be plenty of time. Since I mostly write from home in a room off our kitchen, Im well-practiced at working while keeping an ear out for my kids and, in this case, an eye on the road.

I put on an audiobook for the kids and used voice recognition to dial my first call, which went to voicemail. As I was leaving a long message, my kids started talking to me at the same time, asking me to turn up the volume on the audiobook. I find it hugely irritating when my kids can hear that Im talking to someone else but they start talking to me anyway.

Cant you hear that I was leaving a message?! I yelled at them. Can you hear and respond to someone who is talking to you while you are talking to someone else?! I was getting going, fueled by the days stresses. I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO ME WHEN IM ALREADY TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE! IT MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY! AND IT MAKES ME SOUND SO UNPROFESSIONAL!

And then, in my headset, I heard a long beep, and a computerized voice told me that Id reached the end of the length of the message and that the call would now end. Holy crow: Id been yelling at my kids right into my colleagues voicemail. Talk about sounding unprofessional!

My kids dont usually cower (or suddenly obey) when I yell. When I get angry or snappish with them, they say things like, Mom, could you please use a kind voice? or even I have a hard time understanding you when you talk to me like that. Both of these phrases theyve stolen directly from me; its what I say to them when they are demanding or disrespectful or whiny to get them to change their tone of voice.

But I dont have a history of changing my own tone in response to their polite or sassy requests. Instead, Ive justified yelling at my kids. Its different from when they talk to me in a way that I dont likebecause Im the parent. Moms and dads yell when kids make us mad. Kids need to not do the things that make us yell, and then we wont yell anymore. Ergo, if Im yelling, clearly it is the kids fault, and therefore, its their responsibility to change.

Except I always knew, on some level, that this is faulty logic. The embarrassment of yelling at my kids in front of a work colleague provided the jolt of insight I needed to see that my yelling couldnt be justified. Moreover, yelling at my kids wasnt actually changing their behavior. Although we all know that yelling occasionally works in the short run, generally speaking, it is not an effective teaching tool. As a parenting expert, Im very well versed in much more effective ways to shape kids behavior and habits.

Rona Renners Is That Me Yelling? provided me with the framework that I needed to discover why I was really yelling at my kids as well as tools for responding differently in the future. I discovered, by using the Yelling Tracker in chapter 5, that I really only raise my voice with my kids when Im multitaskingwhen Im really focused on something besides them. Working from home or from the car means that Im often trying to do two or even three things at once, and this dramatically shortens my fuse.

I worked out a plan to work less in the presence of my kids and to give them my full attention when Im with them. They still do things that make me angry; the difference is that I am much more able and likely to respond skillfully to their missteps when Im not trying to do something else at the same time.

Is That Me Yelling? makes an important contribution to the betterment of humanity. When we are compassionate and peaceful with our children, they, in turn, become compassionate and peaceful in the world. And in a world filled with strife and irritants, this is just what we need!

Introduction

Some years ago, my daughter Carina was downstairs yelling at her brother Matt to stop bothering her. Angrily running to the stairs, I immediately responded at the top of my lungs, Carina, stop yelling! In that momentcertainly not the first of such momentsI suddenly heard myself: Is that me yelling? I was appalled. I was a nurse, a parenting expert; I knew better. That day, I promised myself that I would try to stop doing things that I didnt want my kids to do, starting with yelling. I came to see that my actions were not always the best approach for my children, but when I paid attention and made efforts, over time I learned from my mistakes. After all, I had stopped smoking, and I could stop yelling too!