Joe Kelly - The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship

A father's impact on a daughter is astoundingjust ask the adult women you know. But our culture doesn't pay much attention to that influence, or to much else about father-daughter relationships. That's why, back in 1999, Michael Kieschnick and I created the world's first nonprofit dedicated to the power and potential of father-daughter relationships: Dads & Daughters. Thousands of fathers are now part of the Dads & Daughters network, and many of them were eager to contribute ideas to this Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide.

Why do fathers and stepfathers need an organization (or books) about raising daughters? Because we were all raised as sons; we are often in the dark about what it's like to be a girl. This is why we sometimes have trouble understanding how they tick!

Despite this, you are a powerful beacon for your daughter as she walks down her life road. Your example and involvement can light her way with clear and healthy expectations for men. But if your light isn't shining brightly on her childhood, she may be left lost in tangled underbrush, confused about what to accept from men. Our daughters and stepdaughters are naturally drawn toward men who choose paths similar to the ones we tread as men and fathers.

We must be an integral part of our daughters' lives, showing them our strong, supportive, and nurturing masculinity. Our example is the road map our daughters use to discover relationships (romantic or not) with boys and men we'd be proud to have as friends, sons, and brothers.

Children grow up loving to play That makes playing with your daughter a fabulous way to connect with her interests and be a potent, positive force in her life.

As grown men, our lives are often filled with stress and demands, leaving little room for childish play. If you're a father who doesn't live with your children or stepchildren, there can be added layers of difficulty ranging from problems with your ex to the logistical complexity inherent in separated and blended families. We fathers sometimes have difficulty finding ways to play with our children because we aren't kids anymore.

The way we learned to play as boys can also complicate our approach to playing with daughters. We tend to see every activity (even play) as directed toward some quantifiable goal. When we play a game or a sport, we want to compete fiercelybecause we want to win! When playing with our kids, those attitudes can translate into insisting on producing the right result: winning the game, making a bigger treehouse than the neighbor's, sticking unswervingly to the rules, and so on.

But that's not always the most constructive approach. In his book Live-Away Dads: Staying a Part of Your Children's Lives When They Aren't a Part of Your Home (Penguin, 1999), psychologist and fathering author William Klatte writes that making play too competitive or structured can interfere with having funand fun is the most important immediate goal in playing with your daughter:

When playing games with your children, please pay attention to The One and Only Very Important Number One Game Rule:

Stop having so many rules!

Rules can really be a drag when you are trying to have fun. Don't get mad if your children want to change the rules in the middle of the game. Let them. Play with them. It's only a game. Teens may want to play by rules a lot of the time, but many kids often prefer to forget the rules or make up their own. Young kids just love to win, and they'll work hard to arrange any possible way to do so.

We live by rules so often at work and other parts of our adult lives that we forget to be spontaneous. If your child wants to make up her own illogical rules to a board game or card game, let her!

You have plenty of opportunities to teach your child about fair play and honesty in life, and those qualities are extremely important, but it is also important to sometimes be silly, laugh, and forgetabout doing things the right way. Many times, the best way to do that is forget the rules and just let go.

These principles are not limited to games with formal rules, like Chutes and Ladders or Old Maid; they apply to all fun father-daughter activities. Fun play is simply essential in building a solid father-daughter connection.

When fathers and daughters play, they are at their most open and authentic. Play breaks down barriers between you, creating an ongoing opportunity to communicate and impart the treasure of your creativity, affection, and willingness to take risksthe rich heritage of your masculinity.

While bringing you two closer together, play also makes great memoriesanother marvelous heritage for both of you to have.

All of this holds true for fathers who want to spend quality time with their older daughters and stepdaughters, too. It is just as possible (and important) to do fun activities with girls in their teens, and this collection of activities will show you how.

Having fun means enjoying shared activity, not having fun at the other persons expense. You have to trust someone in order to have fun with them. As a parent, you soon learn that trust is the mortar holding together every solid relationship. This trust is necessary in your father-daughter relationship as well as in the relationship your daughter has with herself.

Your daughter learns this trust in large part through her relationship with her parents. When you are attentive and supportive, she will recognize her own strength, value, and talent, giving her the boldness, passion, and savvy to grow into a marvelous woman of whom you are justly proud.

You have incredible influence on how your stepdaughter or daughter sees herself. With your positive words and support, she can be safe and healthy, and can thrive no matter where life takes her.

That's why it's so important for all of us fathers and stepfathers to show and tell our daughters that we believe they are capable of anything! Fathering a daughter with love, respect, and fun ensures that she will choose people and situations that nourish her long after she's left our house. There's no greater legacy for us to leave our daughters.

These are some of the many serious reasons to have fun with your daughter. But, as Klatte reminds us, we have to keep things in perspective:

Playing is supposed to be fun! And I don't mean just intellectual fun and polite banter (although that certainly has its place). I mean hand-slapping, eye-watering, burst-out-laughing, forget-what-you're-doing pee-in-your-pants, doesn't-matter-who-wins silliness! It's not always easy for dads to have fun. But it's a great goal. Allow yourself to let go when you canboth for your sake and your child's. Take humor seriously (Ha!).