Michael Gurian - Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy: Building a Stronger Marriage Without Losing Yourself—The 9 Principles of a Balanced and Happy Relationship
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Become separate from your partner yet also become closersounds counterintuitive, doesnt it? With twenty-five years of family and marital counseling practice, Michael Gurian shows that intimate separateness is the key to creating a healthy partnership in life.
Recent university studies show that the most frequent reason relationships dissolve is not abuse, alcoholism, money, or even infidelity, but rather a lack of emotional fulfillment. Most books on love and marriage focus on teaching communication and conflict skills, but neglect to help couples with the other half of intimacyseparateness. In this practical yet personal guide to love, Gurian details the benefits of creating a lifelong balance of closeness and separateness. He outlines a twelve-stage model created for his own private practice, which provides long-term goals and focal points for dialogue that can help couples work through arguments. Gurian also delves into differences in white and gray matter between the male and female brain (which may explain the varying needs for intimacy and separateness), differences in verbal and emotive development, and the effects these all have on relationships.
Rich with examples and case studies, this book presents strategies for communication and conflict that build more emotional balance, while showing how intimate separateness can be the key to lifelong happiness.
Michael Gurian: author's other books
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Praise for Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy
Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy is a practical, engaging, and highly readable book that will help any couple dig deep into the sacred gift of marriage and fathom its grace, joy, love, and hope. Everyone wants a great marriage. Michael shows us how.
Rev. Tim Wright, author of Searching for Tom Sawyer
In this important book, backed up by convincing scientific evidence, therapist Michael Gurian provides a relational road map that can help any couple navigate the journey of lifelong intimacy and separateness that makes love possible. Read it yourself and give it to your friends and family and those you counsel psychologically or spiritually. Everyone will be blessed by its insights.
William M. Watson, SJ, DMin, president/founder: Sacred Story Institute, author of Forty Weeks and The Sacred Story
Whether you are single, newly married, or an old-timer, this book will bring light to the complex and mysterious world of love and marriage. And whats even better, it will deepen the understanding of lifes most important relationshipthe one we have with ourselves. Thank you, Michael Gurian, for a practical, passionate, and inspiring manual on love!
Dr. Shimi Kang, psychiatrist and author of The Self-Motivated Kid
Previous Books by Michael Gurian
PSYCHOLOGY
The Wonder of Aging
How Do I Help Him?
What Could He Be Thinking?
Loves Journey
The Invisible Presence (previously published as Mothers, Sons, and Lovers )
The Prince and the King
CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND PARENTING
The Purpose of Boys
The Wonder of Girls
The Wonder of Boys
Raising Boys by Design (with Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, and Ann McMurray)
A Fine Young Man
The Good Son
What Stories Does My Son Need? (with Terry Trueman)
Nurture the Nature
Its a Baby Boy! (by the Gurian Institute, with Adrian Goldberg, ACSW, and Stacie Bering, MD)
Its a Baby Girl! (by the Gurian Institute, with Adrian Goldberg, ACSW, and Stacie Bering, MD)
EDUCATION
The Minds of Boys (with Kathy Stevens)
Boys and Girls Learn Differently! (with Kathy Stevens, Patricia Henley, Terry Trueman)
The Boys and Girls Learn Differently Action Guide for Teachers (with Arlette C. Ballew)
Strategies for Teaching Boys and GirlsElementary Level (with Kathy Stevens, Kelley King)
Strategies for Teaching Boys and GirlsSecondary Level (with Kathy Stevens, Kelley King)
Successful Single-Sex Classrooms (with Kathy Stevens, Peggy Daniels)
SPIRITUALITY
The Wonder of Children (previously published as The Soul of the Child )
Ancient Wisdom, Modern Words: Prayers, Poems, and Readings
The Sabbath: Poems and Prayers
BUSINESS-CORPORATE
The Leading Partners Workbook (with Katherine Coles, Kathy Stevens)
Leadership and the Sexes (with Barbara Annis)
FOR YOUNG ADULT READERS
Understanding Guys
From Boys to Men
FICTION AND POETRY
The Miracle
An American Mystic
The Odyssey of Telemachus
Readers should be aware that Internet websites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time they were read and the time this book was published. Some of the anecdotes in this book, including some gathered from media reports, are composites of two or more comments or stories that were edited for narrative flow. In no cases have meanings been changed, and no changes involved changes in statistics. In all case studies in this book, names and identifying details have been changed.
Original pieces by Michael Gurian are copyright Michael Gurian, all rights reserved, and used with the authors permission.
An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Copyright 2015 by Michael Gurian
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health, or other competent professional before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it.
The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
First Atria Books hardcover edition May 2015
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Designed by Kyoko Watanabe
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gurian, Michael.
Lessons of lifelong intimacy : building a stronger marriage without losing yourself 9 principles of a balanced and happy relationship / by Michael Gurian.
pages cm
1. Marital quality. 2. Intimacy (Psychology) 3. Married peoplePsychology. 4. Interpersonal conflict. 5. Interpersonal relations. 6. MarriagePsychological aspects.
I. Title.
HQ734.G88475 2015
158.2dc23
2014045291
ISBN 978-1-4767-5604-2
ISBN 978-1-4767-5606-6 (ebook)
For Gail, Gabrielle, and Davita
Human beings have a common nature, a set of shared unconscious tendencies or potentialities that are encoded in our DNA and that evolved because they were of use to our forebears millions of years ago. We are not aware of these predispositions, but they still motivate our actions....
HELEN FISHER, PHD, AUTHOR OF ANATOMY OF LOVE
In love, it would be so much easier if we could just remain self-contained and establish an impeccable set of conditions to protect us from risk... or, on the other hand, completely lose ourselves in merging together with our partner. Yet both these alternatives undermine love, for they destroy the tension between self and other, known and unknown, that love actually thrives on.
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