Camerin Courtney - The Unguide to Dating: A He Said/She Said on Relationships

2006 by Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-3664-7

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Portions of this book were previously published on www.ChristianSinglesToday.com and in Todays Christian Woman magazine, ministries of Christianity Today International.

Out of respect for our friends and exes, many names and details have been changed throughout this book.

The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

Introduction

Camerin: I was watching an episode of one of those WB teen dramas recently when I got a feeling similar to the one I get when flipping through typical Christian dating books.

In the episode, two of the shows main characters were considering sleeping with their significant others, a first for both of these sixteen-year-olds. They deliberated; I cringed. They faced obstacles; I rejoiced. One of them gave in; my heart sank. But perhaps what bothered me most was the conversation the female of the two characters had with a close friend. Sprawled in one of their bedrooms, they discussed the pros and cons of the decision to go all the way.

Just dont wait too long, the friend advised. You dont want to end up like Morgan, whos now twenty-nine and is so afraid shell die a virgin. I let out a noise signaling my half amusement and half heartbreak. But mostly I sat curled up on my couch, feeling altogether silly to be still dating at twice these characters age.

As I said earlier, I get a similar feeling when I browse the singles section at my local Christian bookstore. Nearly all of the books in this genre with a dating focus make me feel old and invisible and silly in their teen-centeredness. As with that TV show, the focus is on people half my age. But unlike them, I dont have classmates and a curfew. I dont have a youth group. Nor do I have a youth pastors and my parents watchful eyes keeping me accountable. I dont have proms and pimples (well) and peer pressure.

What I do still have are hormones, first dates, crushes, temptations to date non-Christians, a sex-saturated society, a pop culture that preaches the religion of romance, good-night kisses (when Im lucky!), breakups (when the luck runs out), exes, and dry spells.

But as a thirty-four-year-old dater, I also have a solo apartment, a changing body, marriage on my mind, a biological clock that keeps tick-tick-ticking, family and church pressures to pair off, friends who are getting married and friends who are getting divorced, shifting demographics, and, consequently, an overall changing climate in which to date.

Unfortunately, no ones addressing these things. Dating advice within the church seems to peter out at around age eighteen. But with 40 percent of the adult population in the U.S. currently single, dating obviously continues past that age. And in a current cultural climate marked by Desperate Housewives , speed dating, and staggering divorce rates (oh my!), simple 1-2-3 formulas just dont cut it anymore. The dating world has gotten wacky and weird and altogether complex, and singleness discussions and advice need to reflect this reality if were to take them at all seriously.

We Christian singles past the age of eighteen crave intelligent, credible voices to speak into this void and this mass confusion. At least, thats been one of the biggest lessons Ive learned during my stint as a singles columnist for ChristianSinglesToday.com for the past five years. The best part of this gig, hands down, has been the reader feedback. While I love this peek into the minds and lives of my comrades in singlehood, its staggering how many of these singles are surprised that others have similar experiences and feelings. Whenever I share a dating (or lack thereof) frustration, observation, joy, conundrum, or temptation, I receive countless emails from single readers exclaiming, You too? Im so glad to know Im not the only one who has this experience/feels this way/is this neurotic! Ive learned that a little bit of vulnerability leads to a lot of conversation. And a lot of conversation leads to better understanding in the face of all the confusion about the strange new world of dating.

This dynamic of conversation leading to better understanding certainly proves true whenever I talk to my co-worker friend Todd. Whenever he pops into my office for some dating advice or sympathy or bragging, or IMs me about his utter bewilderment with the female of the species, or calls me to rant and rave about the latest dating-oriented reality TV show, we have great eye-opening discussions. Ive explained many a female eccentricity (yes, we know were emotional, and no, we cant have enough shoes), and its been so enlightening to get a peek into the male mind. Similar to what Ive found with my singles columns, great things have come from our willingness to be honest, dig deep, share our unique gender perspectives, avoid pat answers, and live with the messiness thats just part of the territory on this journey of dating, and singlehood, and life in general.

It was in all those conversations and in all those emails that the idea for this book was bornto extend to even more singles the benefit of vulnerability, peer voices, a recognition of daters of all ages, formula-less insights, some clarity and comfort, discussion of new pop-culture trends, and acknowledgment of how tricky its gotten to find love in a postmodern age.

TODD: Im sick of trying to wear the right shoes. You see, its one of those things we single guys are told: women pay attention to shoes. With fancy shoes , I think, I might find the right girl . The problem Ive found with this theory is that the people telling us to wear the right shoes to impress women are women. Guys, or at least this guy, have no clue what the right shoes are.

And Im betting that since those fancy shoes are meant to impress the gender that wears open toes and eight-inch heels, these shoes probably arent very practical for playing touch football or feeding cattle. (Of course, I dont feed cattle. But if I suddenly had to, I wouldnt want to be stuck doing it in those fancy shoes.)

For a while, I began thinking that my lack of the right shoes, the right pants, or the right kitchen abilities was why I wasnt finding the one. I was in my midtwenties and alone. Something must be wrong , I thought. So I started reading up on what I was supposed to do to find a mate. Be seen being nice to babies. Bake stuff. Buy candles and wine. Open doors and smell nice. But no matter what I did, I got no closer to marriage.

Of course, theres nothing wrong with self-improvementtaking care of yourself, being a gentleman, and becoming a more well-rounded individual. I definitely want to keep learning who I am and making myself the best person I can beregardless of whether theres a spouse in my future. The problem is the reason I was making some of these changes.