Jay Laffoon - He Said. She Said.: Eight Powerful Phrases That Will Strengthen Your Marriage

He Said.
She Said.

eight powerful phrases
that will strengthen
your marriage

Jay & Laura Laffoon

2010 by Jay and Laura Laffoon

Published by Baker Books
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 495166287
www.bakerbooks.com

E-book edition created 2010

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-0754-8

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture marked Message is taken from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

Scripture marked NASB is taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

This book is dedicated to the pastors and lay couples at countless churches who are a part of our Healthy Marriage Healthy Church Marriage Wellness Initiative and are striving to help marriages grow. And to every couple who understands the joy that comes from investing in your marriage!

Contents

W e would like to thank Torrey and Grace, without a doubt the two biggest blessings in our lives. Our families, who have shaped us, molded us, and, yes, demented us in just the right ways. Our friends who put up with Jays heretical questions and Lauras naps, and who know firsthand how little we really know about marriage. To the friends old and new whom we have connected and reconnected with via the Internet.

Darren and Janey Goude, who were sent from God at just the right time. All of the wonderful Celebrate Ministries board, staff, and volunteers who fight for marriages alongside us. The incredible professionals at Baker Publishing Group, and the Nashville Agency, thank you all for your expertise and help along the way.

The couples who took our survey and opened their hearts and lives in the hopes of helping others in this journey called marriage.

A s we speak to people about marriage, most are quick to agree that marriage is under attack. They agree marriage is the foundation of family, church, and community. They concur that we should be addressing marriage needs. But, when asked what is being done for marriage, they shake their heads and say Nothing.

We want to see couples go on the offensive. In this book, we have provided the tools married couples need to fight for their marriage and to help other couples do the same. We introduce eight phrases that will dramatically change the way you and your spouse see one another. Using these eight precision tools, well show you specific strategies to strengthen your marriage and our world. A thriving marriage reaches beyond the husband and wife to impact three critical arenas in our culture: our homes, our churches, and our communities.

Our Homes

A recent survey conducted by the Associated Press and MTV asked nearly 1,300 young people between the ages of 13 and 24, What makes you happy? MTV expected answers like iPods, TV, Xbox 360, and money. Instead, they received this overwhelming #1 answer: spending time with Mom and Dad!

This survey points to the fact that kids are looking for a home that is a place of joy, peace, and contentment. When couples invest in marriage, homes are built where children and teens thrive.

Our Churches

It is no secret that divorce is wreaking havoc on our homes, but we may not appreciate the effect divorce is having on our churches. An estimated 60 percent of Americans under the age of eighteen do not regularly attend a house of worship. Survey results published August 6, 2007, by USA Today show that 7 in 10 Protestants ages 18 to 30both evangelical and mainline who went to church regularly in high school said they quit attending by age 23, according to the survey by LifeWay Research. The primary reason they are leaving is that they feel no connection to the larger body of Christ. Parents are key in helping teens make a connection to the larger body.

Sadly, most parents today are struggling in their own walks with Christ, which is reflected in their lifestyles and marriages. A survey conducted by the Barna Institute found that four out of ten marriages in the church will end in divorce, affecting one million children each year.

When parents disconnect through divorce, their children often disconnect from the body of Christ. By investing in marriage, we demonstrate to our children that staying connected is important. As a result, our churches will be strengthened.

Our Communities

A report entitled Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate Americas Business? from the Marriage CoMission, an Atlanta-based marriage strengthening advocacy group, demonstrates the impact divorces have on businesses. In the year following divorce, employees lost an average of four weeks of work. Lost productivity from marriage and relationship stress costs employers some six billion annually.

Talk about an economic stimulus package! When couples invest in marriage, they become healthier, wealthier, and more emotionally stable employees/employers.

Save Your Marriage, Save the World

You see, we arent just talking about marriage. This book and the important phrases we explore go far beyond shaping marriage. As marriages change, a ripple effect will touch every home, church, and community. When you strengthen your marriage, you fortify the fibers of our society and impact every aspect of our culture.

A Point of Clarification

The eight needs discussed in this book are needs that exist in every human being. Our experience has shown us that in general four of these needs are more prevalent in women and four are more prevalent in men. While you may be an exception to the rule, this book was written to give couples general ideas about their spouses needs.

1
The Power of Words

I n his book entitled The Great Crossover, author Dan Sullivan shares his theory that there have been four moments in the history of words that literally changed the way we live.

The spoken word allowed humankind to communicate with each other. Then the written word gave humans the ability to record history and thought. Next the printed word, ushered in by Johannes Gutenbergs amazing machine, brought the written wordand thus educationto the masses. Finally, the digital word gave humankind access to the knowledge of the world from the comfort of our laptops.

Our survey of over 1,800 married people reveals that words hold the same immense power in our relationships. In marriage, as in history, words literally change the way we live.

Five Simple Words

Five simple words changed everything that Friday night. Laura and I had worked an incredibly hard week. My head hit the pillow at 11:00 p.m., and I was out like a light. At 11:06, Laura nudged me under the covers. Instantly, an unconscious smile appeared on my face. Assuming she was making a move, I didnt care how tired I was, this was great news! Pleasurable thoughts raced through my mind as Laura whispered, Jay... someones in the house! I was taken totally off guard; I couldnt comprehend what she was saying at first. Now I was wide awake but dazed.