Megan Lynn Kott - Pawmistry: Unlocking the Secrets of the Universe with Cats

This book is dedicated to all the cats Ive had the pleasure of fostering thus far. Youve taught me so much, and not just about the Dark Arts.

Copyright 2021 by Megan Lynn Kott.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Kott, Megan Lynn, author.
Title: Pawmistry : unlocking the secrets of the universe with cats /
by Megan Lynn Kott. Description: San Francisco, California : Chronicle Books,
[2021]Identifiers: LCCN 2021007835 |
ISBN 9781797209593 (hardcover)
ISBN 9781797210049 (epub, mobi)
Subjects: LCSH: Cats.Classification: LCC SF445.5 .K68 2021 | DDC
636.8--dc23LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021007835

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Its well known that cats are some of the most magical creatures living today (ranked, obviously, after dolphins and Bjrk). They can walk through dreams, foretell the future, hypnotize all but the most stubborn dog people, and preter-naturally sense which shoes are your favorite (and therefore must be barfed into).

As you proceed through this book, you will learn to tap into a cats uncanny nature and, in so doing, uncover mysteries of the cosmos, hidden aspects of your fate and fortunes, and possibly a can or two of wet food.

Just let your feelings felines be your guide.

You neednt necessarily be a cat owner

If you are uninitiated in the ways of cats, you may think at first that your mystic companion seems aloof or is acting downright hostile toward you... and youd be right. I mean, imagine being privy to the most staggering universal truths and yet still being regarded as a mere house pet! Stick with it; most kitties are eventually willing to give guidance to those seeking enlightenmentespecially if the truth-seeker in question possesses the ability to open bags of freeze-dried chicken treats.

. As a rule, we in the cat divination realm dislike the terms owner and pet. After all, can one creature ever truly own another? Think of this relationship as more of a partnership; instead of pet, try substituting the phrases mystical fur companion, fuzzywuzzy wizard bear, or bewitching floofer baby. Your feline friend will surely thank you for your consideration.

. What is a cat caf? I hear some of you ask. A cat caf is a coffee shop or similar social space where one can interact with catsoften adoptablefor a small fee. Why should I pay to pet cats? I further hear some of you enquire. To those I say: You may want to close this book and walk away now. This knowledge clearly isnt for you.

Theres an old saying that goes like this:

Roses are red. Violets are too.

Cats dont like water, so neither should you.

Im not sure what this has to do with mystical guides, but a wise old tomcat named Davos said it with such authority when I asked him about finding a divination partner that I couldnt bear to disappoint him by not including it in this passage. Although all cats possess the ability to unlock eldritch secrets, as often as not theyre simply content to spend their days finding the sunniest spots on the floor.

Anyway, to bring it back to the task at hand, not all cats are suited to be guides. But if you really want to find a cat that will get their paws wet (so to speak), you must first pass the Trial of Bastet. The Trial is a ritual that signals to your feline friend that you are finally ready to shut up and learn the knowledge they possess. It also helps them determine how seriously they should take you when you ask profound questions such as, Why did Vanessa break up with me?

The Trial of Bastet has been passed down from generation to generation since cats first learned to meow, and it is quite simple to follow.

To perform the ritual, you must first brew a tea made of roughly 2 teaspoons of dried catnip, 1 stick of silvervine, 2 tears (freshly shed), and the first drop of (your own) blood from a cat scratch. Steep in a mug of not-quite-boiling water, covered, for 9 minutes. Then stir the tea widdershins with 1 (found) cat whisker. This tea is very earthy, so you may want to adjust to taste using maple syrup, lemon, or the juice from a can of tuna. Hold the cup in your dominant hand, close your eyes, and take a sip.

Speaking very softly between sips, recite the name of every cat youve ever met until youve drained all but the last splash of liquid and tea leaves. Swirl the cup (leaves and all) while maintaining the grip in your dominant hand. In one steady motion, turn the cup upside-down onto a cloth napkin to drain the remaining liquid. Turn the cup back over carefully, trying not to disturb its contents. Do you see revealed the name of your companion? A cats eye? A paw? Look harder. The leaves do not lie.

If you see something: Congratulations, you have passed the test! Give thanks to your cat by scritching them vigorously about the cheeks and chin. This is truly an auspicious day!

But wait, whats that you say? The tea tasted like dirt and toothpaste, your cat is glaring at you, and all you saw in the cup was a giant middle finger? No matter. For whatever reason, this alignment was not meant to be. Dont blame your cat. Respect their wishes, for they have spoken. Or magically guided the tea leaves or whatever.