Paula Hall - How to Have a Healthy Divorce

Contents

About the Book

The process of divorce can be emotionally devastating. How to Have a Healthy Divorce will help you to embrace the reality of the situation, gain more understanding of what went wrong and handle the rollercoaster of emotions involved.

In clear and simple steps, this practical guide will show you how to:

Overcome actual and potential challenges

Accept your past, present and future circumstances

Formulate a personal action plan, including helpful advice on financial and legal matters

Build a relationship with your ex so you can communicate effectively

This accessible, sympathetic guide will help you to emerge from a healthy divorce with valuable lessons learnt and the tools to build a secure and fulfilling future.

About the Author

Relate is here for people who want to make their family relationships better.

We help people make sense of whats happening in their relationships, decide what they want to do and make those changes.

In addition to our respected and popular range of books, we have many other ways to support people. Our counsellors are trained professionals, and you can have a local appointment with one face-to-face or on the phone, or consult them online through our website. We also run relationship workshops.

We work with couples, families and individuals. Our network reaches across the whole of the UK, where we are the largest provider of relationship support and sex therapy.

Find more relationship advice and information about our services on our website at www.relate.org.uk or call us on 0300 100 1234.

Paula Hall is an Accredited Sexual and Relationship Psychotherapist, experienced in working with couples, families, individuals and young people, and has been a Relate counsellor for over 15 years. She currently works for Relate as a young peoples and family counsellor and also works in private practice. She provides regular professional comment on divorce, separation and young peoples issues to the national press, womens magazines, teenage magazines, websites, national and local radio and television, and runs her own website: www.TheRelationshipSpecialists.com

Also available from Vermilion:

When parents decide to separate, their childrens lives are changed forever. This sensitive, accessible guide includes clear advice and guidance on how to minimise the impact on your children.

Acknowledging the personal difficulties faced by the adult who has made the decision to leave, as well as the adult who has been left, this book is for all parents going through a divorce or separation who are concerned for their children.

When a relationship finishes it can feel like the end of the world, but it is also a new beginning. In Starting Again, Sarah Litvinoff looks at the lessons that can be learnt from a relationship that has ended and helps you to deal with your feelings of separation, grief and recovery.

Through self-assessment questionnaires, tasks and discussion points, you will reach a greater understanding of yourself and your relationships and be able to start looking to a positive future. This book will help you to come to terms with the ending of a relationship and assess what went wrong, become aware of and break patterns you have unconsciously repeated, start again and build a new social life for yourself.

In Moving On, Suzie Hayman draws on her many years of experience as a Relate counsellor and agony aunt and provides information, advice and practical strategies to help you cope, as positively as possible, with the stress of breaking up with your partner. You will learn how to manage negative feelings, help your children through the difficult process, communicate with your partner and children throughout, cope with shared parenting responsibilities and sort out financial issues.

Sympathetic, sound and full of positive, practical advice, this is an invaluable guide for all those facing the breakdown of their relationship.

Introduction

A healthy divorce may seem like a complete contradiction to some, but why should that be so when we all know that happy endings are possible? A healthy divorce wont necessarily be pain-free or devoid of any stress or personal hardship, but then neither is a healthy eating plan or fitness regime. With perseverance, dedication and commitment, a healthy attitude can reap life-long benefits.

During the 15 years Ive worked for Relate Ive seen many divorcees before, during and after the process. I can bear witness to the fact that although a healthy divorce is difficult, it is possible. Whether you separated from your ex five years ago or five minutes ago, it is your choice how you face your future. You can feel broken, empty, anxious and resentful for the rest of your life or you can choose to overcome the wounds of divorce and become happy and whole again. If your partner left you suddenly after many years together then your road to recovery may be longer, steeper and rockier than for someone who decides to end their marriage after a few unhappy years. But you can both choose the same goals and head in the same direction, even though your starting points are very different.

Divorce is a harsh reality in twenty-first century Britain and one that many feel powerless to avoid. Contrary to some cynical social commentators, I believe that the vast majority of people work hard to save their ailing marriages. They dont give up on a whim, seeing divorce as the easy option. But were human, and humans make mistakes and get things wrong, and consequently relationships will fail. Years ago, people may have stayed together till death us do part, even if their marriage died many years before. They stayed in their unhappy marriages because thats what people did back then. Now, however, the option of divorce gives those trapped in unhappy marriages a second chance.

But what of those who are left the people who thought they were in a happy marriage only to have it shattered by an emotionally meandering spouse? If this describes you, then divorce was not a positive choice, a purposeful decision that you made to improve your future. Nonetheless, it is your choice how you manage this devastating period in your life and the attitude you adopt for your future.

Having a healthy divorce is difficult because our emotions often tell us to behave in ways that are detrimental to our wellbeing. Grief can overwhelm us and make us feel powerless to do anything. Anger tells us to attack and pushes people away. Fear wont let us take risks in case we get hurt again, and the lies of guilt and rejection tell us we dont deserve to feel any better than this. But over the course of reading this book you will discover how to conquer those negative emotions and how to retrain your mind to think positively about yourself and your future.

First and foremost, How to Have a Healthy Divorce is a practical book. Throughout the pages youll be encouraged to stop and take time to complete some simple exercises. These have been designed to help you personalise what youre reading so you may find it useful to have a notebook to hand as you read through each step. Step One explores how you can accept the reality of your new single status, whether you like it or not, and Step Two shows how the difficult emotions of grief, fear, anger, doubt and regret can be managed more effectively. Step Three will help you to develop strategies for personal growth and support; Step Four will explore friends, family and other support networks; and Step Five looks at how you can deal effectively with money and other practical matters. Step Six covers the essential art of communicating with your ex and co-parenting; and Step Seven gives you an opportunity to consider your dreams and ambitions for the future.