Sarah Lilton - Save Your Marriage: Simple Fixes to the Most Common Marital Problems

Most people are excited about their wedding day. However, the wedding day itself isnt nearly as important as the years of marriage to follow. If youre truly committed to being married for better or for worse, you need to learn how to communicate appropriately with your significant other.

About 20 percent of marriages end in divorce within the first five years of the marriage, and most of these marriages fail because of communications issues. Although financial problems, problems with relatives, and problems in the bedroom are among the top reasons for divorce, the real issue usually has to do with the way the couple communicate about these problems.

In my experience as a coach-in-training, people are often afraid to talk about problems because they dont want to mess up the relationship. Ive struggled with this as well, and Ive found that every time I swallow anger, sadness or other negative feelings, I get depressed. Eventually, the feelings come out in a negative or destructive way, leaving me feeling embarrassed and causing unnecessary hurt to people I love. Ive learned that honesty draws me closer to my significant other as well as allowing me to avoid that entire pattern.

In any case, failure to communicate can cause tiny problems to become dealbreakers. For example, if you dont say anything about your partners tendency to leave dishes in the sink, your partner may continue to leave the dishes undone and when you cant stand it anymore, you might fire off a list of accusations that quickly become an argument. Lack of communication can also lead to partners feeling defensive or picked on if criticized by the other partner, and 93 percent of couples who fight unfairly or attack one another verbally will get divorced within 10 years of marriage.

Youll need to tone up your communication skills to help deal with bigger issues, too. The addition of a new baby into a family, a child going off to college, or a marriage partner changing jobs can cause both partners to become stressed out and then not deal with one another appropriately. Communication is even more important when a couple faces these types of situations; without communication, marriage partners will blow off steam by complaining to other people about one another or get buried in work so that they dont have to speak to each other.

Poor communication causes marriage partners to feel undervalued and unloved, and this in turn can cause partners to forget that they love one another in the first place.

Once this shift occurs, partners begin to see one another as enemies and begin fighting each other out of a misplaced sense that their worth as human beings is being threatened. Once the marriage has been derailed in this manner, its difficult to get it back on track. Marriages that have deteriorated to this point require intervention from a counselor trained in teaching couples communication skills in order to stop the progression towards divorce.

Whether youre newly married or have been married for a while, you can learn to communicate better with your partner and resolve common problems. As communication skills increase, so will your emotional intimacy. The strength of your bond will keep the marriage from becoming another divorce statistic, regardless of what problems you have to face together.

If youre newly married, you need to learn how to communicate with your spouse from the beginning. Your first fight can be scary if you dont know how to communicate anger or annoyance appropriately, but dont despair. The key to preventing problems is to communicate about them as they occur. These simple tips can help you stop small problems from snowbaling into big ones.

• Use I-statements. Switch from talking about what your partner is doing to how you feel . For example, if youre resentful that your partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink, dont say something like, You always leave the dishes in the sink. Instead, take a deep breath, and start your sentence with the word I. For example, you might say, I feel angry when I come home from work to a sink full of dishes. These kinds of statements are less likely to be seen as a personal attack.
• Ask for what you need. Sometimes newlyweds think that if their partner really loves them, he or she will magically know what they are feeling. Dont make this mistake. Ask your spouse to listen quietly to a problem without giving advice or to give you a hug when you feel down. Your spouse might not know how to support you. Tell them!
• Listen closely to what your spouse says if you are the one on the receiving end of criticism. When youre new to a marriage, you may fear that criticism means the marriage is over. Dont make this mistake! Instea, take a deep breath, look at your spouse while he or she is talking and take in exactly what is being said. It can help to put their complaint in your own words after youve heard it. For example, if your spouse feels left out when you are both socializing with certain other friends, say something like, Im hearing that you feel like I dont pay enough attention to you when we are with John and Betty. That way, if youre not on the same page, your spouse can correct the miscommunication immediately so the issue doesnt escalate rather than improve.
• Take responsibility for mistakes. Some people think that if they admit they did something wrong, their spouse will punish them by leaving. The truth is, though, that its a lot easier to correct mistakes once you admit them. The sooner you admit you made the mistake, the sooner the two of you can talk about it and get past it.
• Avoid playing the martyr. Dont be afraid to say no to your spouse if he or she asks you to do something you feel uncomfortable doing. Be polite, but state your real feelings. Even if you and your spouse argue over the issue, you will have communicated honestly and be able to solve the problem.
• Be honest about how you feel. Weve all seen television shows where one person sulks but refuses to tell their spouse whats on their mind. Dont be that person! Doing this just causes frustration. Communicate honestly about your feelings in the first place instead of acting them out and hoping your spouse notices.
• Be sensitive to timing. Dont blurt out a list of complaints the second your spouse walks through the door or try to talk about something important while your partner is watching his or her favorite television program. Its also important to make sure your spouse is ready to talk before bringing issues up. Preface important conversations with, Is this a good time to talk? I have something Id really like to discuss with you. Be willing to put the conversation off if your spouse isnt ready. As you two get to know each others moods, youll be more sensitive to timing; until then, avoid trying to talk about important issues when your partner is getting ready to leave for the day, when he or she has just come home, and right before bed.
• Avoid sarcasm, mimicking, and exaggeration. Dont let your first fight become a competition to see who can be nastier. Sarcasm and mimicking can become personal attacks. Avoid behaviors that demean your partner so that your conversation can remain productive and focused on solving the problems in your marriage.
• Take the time to communicate positives as well as negatives. Its easy to get in the habit of only talking about your feelings when youre upset. However, if you do this, your spouse might feel as if he or she can never do anything right! Think of communication as a way to share more of your real self with your spouseincluding positives. Some simple ways to get more positive are to thank your spouse when he or she does something you really appreciate, compliment his or her appearance when the mood strikes you, and otherwise stroke his or her ego with honest and positive communication. You might also mix some compliments in with your complaints when there is a problem. For example, preface your concerns about undone household chores with, I appreciate how hard you are working and how much money you contribute to our household.