Julie Ann Barnhill - Confessions of an Imperfect Mom: Gods Path to Less Guilt and More Grace

Julie Barnhill

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

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CONFESSIONS OF AN IMPERFECT MOM

Copyright 2006 by Julie Ann Barnhill
Published 2011 by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Barnhill, Julie Ann, 1965
[Motherhood]

Confessions of an imperfect mom / Julie Ann Barnhill.

p. cm.

Originally published: Motherhood. c2006

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-7369-2951-6 (pbk.)

1. MothersReligious life. 2. GuiltReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. MotherhoodReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV4529.18.B37 2011

248.8431dc22

2011008906

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 / VP-MS / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

1. The Mountain Range in Your Backyard:
Acknowledging Guiltmore

2. A Base-Camp Confession:
Lots of Stuff Ive Felt Guilty About, For, or Over

3. A Base-Camp Lecture:
The Geography of Guilt

4. The Foothills of Wasgonnabe:
The Trouble with Expectations

5. Mt. Shoulda:
Things We Wish Wed Done

6. Mt. Coulda:
Things That Might Have Been

7. Mt. Woulda:
Things We Would Tell One Another

8. Mt. Inconsistency:
The Rule We Cant Live Up To

9. Mt. Unimaginable:
When Your Worst Fears Come True

10. The Downhill Trek:
Sherpa Moms Practical Guide to Getting Out of Guiltmore

11. Almost There:
Learning to (Ouch) Let Go

12. Traveling Light:
Hiking with Heart and Humor and Humility

13. Peace in the Valley:
Putting Guiltmore in the Distance

To
Patrick,
Ricky Neal,
and Kristen.
I delight in your company and
wouldnt change a thing.

Many thanks to the leadership and countless volunteers who make up the fabulous organization known as Hearts at Home. Its fearless leader, Jill Savage, gave me an opportunity to present a workshop at their national conference in 1998, and weve been working as a team ever since.

As always (and forever), love and gratitude to my husband, Rick Barnhill, and our three incredible spawnlings: Kristen, Ricky Neal, and Patrick.

And of course, Anne Christian Buchananan editor par excellence! Working with you has been a professional treat, and you consistently sharpen me as an author and woman.

Last, but never least, Harvest House Publishers. Thank you, Bob Hawkins Jr., for believing once again in a messagemy message in particular!of humor and heart. What a delight to work with Terry Glaspey, LaRae Weikert, Carolyn McCready, and Betty Fletcher. And where, oh where, would my author self be without the savvy leadership of John Constance, Barb Sherrill, and their sales and marketing teams? Finally, a monstrous thank you and acknowledgment to the people at Harvest House who consistently deliver book orders on time and with a spirit of joy.

Stop Now and Read This First!

After a particular speaking session in 2004, I knew what the opening salvo of this book needed to be.

The occasion was a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting. I had just spoken on the topic of motherhood and anger with just a few words about guilt added in, and the women broke off into pint-sized discussion groups. Watching them cluster together, I glanced down and considered the discussion questions I had suggested:

1. Do you ever find yourself looking to an author, teacher, or speaker for an ever-elusive final answer to your mothering problems?

2. Have you ever believed (or do you believe today) that good moms simply do not have (or discuss) certain feelings and situations?

3. Does regret and guilt take up a large or small portion of your thinking as a mom?

Gazing up from my sheet of paper, I began overhearing snippets of conversation from the groups:

I rarely feel absolutely sure about what Im doing as a mom.

You mean its possible to be a mom and not feel guilt?

My daughter is three years old, and I seriously think Ive ruined her for life.

Ack! At this point I shouted for attention and changed the discussion rules altogether.

Okay, ladies, were going to have a slight change of plans here. Instead of discussing the three questions on the paper I gave you, I want you to turn the sheet over and answer one question only: What do you not feel guilty about as a mother?

Well, youd have thought Id asked for nominations for the ugliest baby contest!

Absolute silence ruled in that small basement room.

No one spoke.

No one wrote down a thought.

No one moved.

Youve got to be kidding me, I thought. These women cant think of anything theyve done right as mothers? How sad is that?

I gently prodded, asking the women to recall special times spent with their children or to think back to the day before or even that morning and share at least one guilt-free moment of joy, laughter, confidence, and grace. And still we waiteduntil at last one brave soul volunteered, Well, I dont feel guilty for giving my two-year-old son lots of hugs and kisses. Is that what you mean by something not being on my guilt list?

Yes! That was exactly what I meant. And with that one guilt-free admission, the dam burst wide open. One after another, the moms spoke up.

I dont feel guilty for not cooking dinner every night.

I dont feel guilty for saying I love you a million times a day.

I dont feel guilty for not wavering on discipline.

I dont feel guilty for not giving up.

I dont feel guilty for limiting the number of children I have.

I dont feel guilty for nursing my babies past nine months.

I dont feel guilty for saying no.

I dont feel guilty for putting my childrens daddy first.

Each confession seemed to embolden the group as one toddler-draped mom after another approached me afterward and expressed her thanks for being forced to recall the things she had done right.

And that, in this book about imperfect motherhood, is where I want to take you first. Before we even survey the mountainous landscape of Guiltmore National Park, which I believe looms on the horizon of every mothers life, I want you to take a good, solid look at what youve done as a mother that inspires absolutely no guilt at all.