Justin Racz - 50 Days Worse Than Yours

DAYSWORSETHANYOURS BY THE SAME AUTHOR
50 Jobs Worse Than Yours50 Relatives Worse Than Yours50 Boyfriends Worse Than YoursDAYS
WORSETHANYOURS
Justin Raczwith Alec Brownstein
BLOOMSBURY Copyright 2006 by Justin Racz
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address Bloomsbury USA, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.
Published by Bloomsbury USA, New York Distributed to the trade by Holtzbrinck Publishers
All papers used by Bloomsbury USA are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in well-managed forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
eISBN: 978-1-59691-976-1
First U.S. Edition 2006
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Designed by Justin Racz and Elizabeth Van Itallie Printed in Singapore by Tien Wah Press For our mothers, Ellen and Judy. God. It was delicious. Only expulsion from Eden, original sin, mortalityno big deal. When God says don't eat, don't eat. Death is the mother of all beauty. Death is the mother of all beauty.

So we've got that going for us, which is nice. Let's face it, any day involving genitalia and a scalpel is a bad day, especially when it's your little willy under the knife. A slip of the wrist. As you lie naked and squirming, you're surrounded by everyone in your family, friends, well-wishers, business associates, and caterers, all of whom brought cameras. Two bites of a bagel. Strange bearded man cuts off the tip of your Johnson. A fun-filled day with your Halliburton cronies spent smoking cigars, drinking brandy, hunting quail, and getting shot in the face by the vice president. Two months, if you count time in the ICU and all the interviews during the ensuing media frenzy. Luckily, the other members of the hunting party. Luckily, the other members of the hunting party.

Otherwise Cheney would have buried you in the middle of the field while you were still breathing. Air Force 2. More military contracts than you can shake a stick at. Might not get invited to Karl Rove's birthday party at the pistol range. Nothing big. If you score poorly, you'll end up working as the assistant night manager at Denny's. The assistant night manager at Denny's likely gets a discount on the Moons Over My Hammy breakfast. The kid sitting next to you during the test has a runny nose, the sniffles, and whooping cough. If you have to guess, don't guess E. On the 2006 College Board SAT, 4,41 1 students received miscalculated low scoresone test was off by as much as 450 points on the 2,400-point examdue to excessive moisture that caused the answer sheets to expand before they were scanned. (And some thought the test's cultural bias was a concern...) You arrive two hours early, your flight is delayed twenty hours, you spend the night on the tiles outside the Taco Bell Express in Terminal D. Could be hours. Could be hours.

Could be days. Splitting headache. The Hare Krishnas at Gate 26B have been jammin' for the past six hours. Day-old Cinnabons in Terminal A are half price after five o'clock. The guy sleeping next to you has night terrors.