Marc Silver - My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks

Advance Praise for My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks

Wisely crafted into a wonderfully warm, engaging, and informative book that reads like a chat with a group of friendsI highly recommend this book and look forward to sharing it.

Paula K. Rauch, MD, Director of the Marjorie E. Korff parenting at a Challenging Time Program.

A valuable resource for teenagers and their families.

Seth Berkowitz, LCSW, CCLS, Patient Services Manager, Southern Florida Chapter of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society

I urge you to snap up a copy, put a ribbon on it, and give it to your teenager.

Wendy S. Harpham, MD, author of When a Parent Has Cancer. A Guide to Caring for Your Children and Becky and the Worry Cup

A much-needed toolkit for teens coping with a parents cancer. In this honest and heartfelt guide, Marc Silver and his daughter, Maya, present direct, no-nonsense, and helpful advice.

Jane Saccaro, CEO of Camp Kesem

Marc and Maya Silver have skillfully blended the voices of teens, parents, and experts.

Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers

This book is a must have for oncologists, cancer treatment centers, and families with teenagers.

Kathleen McCue, MA, LSW, CCLS, Director of the Childrens Program at The Gathering Place, Cleveland, OH

A must read for parents, kids, teacher, and medical staff who know anyone with cancer. You will learn something on every page.

Anna Gottlieb, MPA, Founder and CEO of Gildas Club Seattle

Copyright 2013 by Marc Silver and Maya Silver
Cover and internal design 2013 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Cara Condon

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systemsexcept in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviewswithout permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice from a qualified physician. The intent of this book is to provide accurate general information in regard to the subject matter covered. If medical advice or other expert help is needed, the services of an appropriate medical professional should be sought.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Silver, Marc

My parent has cancer and it really sucks / Marc Silver, Maya Silver.

pages cm

Audience: Grade 9 to 12.

1. Children of cancer patientsJuvenile literature. 2. CancerPsychological aspectsJuvenile literature. I. Silver, Maya. II. Title.

RC264.S52 2013

616.994dc23

2012039095

Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To the amazing Anna Gottlieb, who told us we had to write this book

And to Marsha, who taught us that cancer sucks, tolerated two clueless teens and one clueless husband, and motivated us to write this guide

CONTENTS

I NTRODUCTION

Dear Teens (and Parents),

Many, many teens have faced a parents cancer. An estimated 2.85 million American children live with a parent who is a cancer survivor, according to the authors of Parental Cancer and the Family, a paper published recently in the journal Cancer. In the households surveyed, more than a third of the children were ages twelve to seventeen.

Those teenagers are an unheard group, says oncology counselor Shara Sosa. They have a lot of needs. But theres not a lot of attention paid.

Teens, this book is for you.

You may recognize yourself in the pages aheadyour worries, your fears, your optimism, your pessimism, your anger, your sense of humor, your feelings of despair, your hopefulness. Thats because we talked to more than one hundred teenagers all across the country.

While no two teens are alike, youll probably find voices that echo your thoughts and feelings, providing a sense of comfort (like that feeling you get when you find out someone else likes the same weird movie as you do).

Youll also come upon insights that might give you a different perspective on what youre going through (like when you discover a new band and it rocks your world).

We talked to many experts as welldoctors, therapists, guidance counselors, chaplains who counsel teens coping with a parents cancerto give you an assortment of top-notch advice.

We even talked to some parents. (Dont worry, they wont tell you to do your homework or pick up the junk on your bedroom floor.)

We also talked about our own experiences as the husband and daughter of a breast cancer survivor. You can read some of our conversations in sections called Marc says and Maya says.

We hope that the voices in this book create a community of support to give you strength as you deal with your parents cancer. Because if you can learn from the 20/20 hindsight and mistakes of others whove been there, youll be better prepared to handle the situations you will encounter.

A parents cancer is uncharted territory, and the uncertainty about whats happening and whats next can be nerve-racking. Among the things I wish I was told with more clarity is: heres what your moms going to be going through, heres what you need to do, what you need to be aware of said Aaron, who was a teen when his mom had breast cancer. This book doesnt have all the answers, but it will provide you with an idea of what might be going onand how to get the information you need if your parents arent good communicators.

One of the most important things we learned from interviewing so many teensand one of the themes of this guideis that everyone deals with their parents cancer differently.

Some people cope just fine. Others have a very hard time. A lot depends on the nature of the diagnosis. Is your parent facing a cancer that has a good treatment success rate? Or is the cancer a difficult one to treat?

Your reaction also depends on you. Personalities differ. Some teens want lots and lots of information. Others want the bare minimum. Some worry a great deal. Others feel confident that everything will be okay. Some lose their focus at school and see grades slip. Others hyper-focus on keeping grades up. Some want to talk about it all. Others dont. And thats okay.

One thing we can all agree on, though, is that cancer sucks. For everyone involved. We hope this book will help you cope in the months and years ahead.

As hard as times may get, you will make it through. Take it from Bailee Richardson, who was twelve when her mom was diagnosed: Stay strong. Everythings going to work itself out in the end. Dont ever let it get the best of you.

Finally, here are two rules for this book:

Rule 1: Teens, dont feel guilty. You have your own way of coping, and you dont have to behave like any other teen in this book.

Rule 2: Parents, do not use the book to make your teen talk if he or she doesnt want to talk.

Read on!

N OTE FOR P ARENTS:

This book is written for teens, but we didnt want to leave out information for Mom and Dad, too. See our special section, Appendix C, just for parents.