Jason Ellis - The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Sh*t Together

IF YOU BOUGHT THIS BOOK , then I probably dont need to explain who I am or why I believe I am so ridiculously awesome.

But just in case, heres some background: After a twenty-year career in action sports, I retired as the seventh-greatest skateboarder in the world. Skaters dont actually have official rankings, but the last thing I entered was the Mega Ramp contest at the 2005 X Games. I finished seventh, so to me, that means I walked away as the seventh-best dude in the world. (Mind you, not everyone in skateboarding would agree with this opinion.)

Immediately after I retired, I started one of the biggest, most popular shows on satellite radio. And now, for the twenty hours a week Im on the air, I get to talk about whatever the fuck I feel like talking about and do whatever the fuck I feel like doing. Once or twice a year, I throw an event called Ellismania in Las Vegas. On a Friday afternoon, I host my radio show poolside in front of a thousand fans. That night, I sing in front of those same thousand people with my band, Death! Death! Die! And then the next night I beat the shit out of a pro fighter in front of another sold-out crowd.

Also, when Im not busy working, my bisexual nymphomaniac girlfriend arranges threesomes for me.

Not convinced that I am as awesome as I like to think I am? Then let me tell you some of the things Im lucky enough to enjoy just because Im me. When I go to the UFC, Dana White gives me tickets and I sit in the same row as the singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I get direct messages on Twitter from Slash. Rob Flynn from Machine Head gives me a shout-out onstage when I go to see his band. When I go to Supercross, I can go anywhere I want and all the riders there know me. I can go to MMA gyms for free and get beaten up by legendary fighters like Dan Henderson and Babalu Sobral. I have been getting paid to wear clothing since I was sixteen years old. I have signature sunglasses. I have a signature shoe. I have my own hats and T-shirts and beanies and key chains. I get free crickets for my pet lizard, Supercross the Dragon. I have a signature guitar, and I cant even really play guitar.

But maybe that still isnt enough for you. Maybe youre still wondering, what is so fucking special about this egotistical moron named Jason Ellis? Why should I want to base my entire approach to life on what hes about to tell me?

Well, heres what my day has been known to consist of:

First and foremost, blow jobs. I frequently wake up with the mouth of an attractive lady already attached to my groin area. Sometimes there are two ladies in bed with me. When one of them wakes up and starts getting into it, usually that rocks the bed a bit and wakes the other one up. Then I often have two attractive ladies competing for my penis. I find thats an empowering way to start my day.

Next I hop in the shower. On a good day, the lady or ladies I spent the night with will team up to wash me. I get to relax while the girls clean my undercarriage. After that, I have been known to enjoy a bathtub foot job. Im not actually a foot fetish guy. More often than not, bathtub foot jobs start out as a joke. But, like any man, I dont care what object you are using to massage my penistheres only so long before shit turns serious.

Once I get out of the shower, I like to put on fluffy baby-blanket clothes. I like comfy shit. I also wear these skintight cheetah pants a lot around the house. In a perfect world, I would wear cheetah pants outside more often. But unfortunately, the world cant handle my extremely manly bulge. So I usually just have those on behind closed doors. After I get dressed, somebody might paint my nails for me, and then I usually play some video games and relax while somebody makes me breakfast.

Then I get in my car, which is a turbo Porsche. The first thing I think, every day, is, I cant believe I own this car. I turn on some music. Its a pretty safe bet that it will be either AC/DC, Metallica, or Pantera. At that point, I usually open my sunroof, stick my hand out to feel the wind, and think, Yeah me.

I drive my car stupidly fast. There is insane traffic in L.A., and I solve that problem as best I can by weaving around a lot. I like to cut through corners at gas stations so I can get ahead of all the fucktards in front of me, trying to slow me down. Because I have shit to do.

I definitely should try to stop driving like an idiot. I know its bad. I mean, I havent killed anybody yet. I dont cut people off and ram them into guardrails. But Im not a fucking angel. Im a dude. I enjoy driving, and I enjoy handling the steering wheel. I dont always set out to speed, but if you give me half an hour on the road, you will usually find me doing something stupid.

There are a couple different things I like to do before I go to work. I might head to the moto track and ride my dirt bike. If you have never ridden moto before, let me explain the sensation: riding moto is as close as a human can get to having robot powers. Im nowhere near pro level, but if you have a decent bike, it becomes a part of you. You dont feel the weight of it anymore. Ive jumped a hundred and twenty feet into the air on a bike. I can just be chilling and fucking around and still do like seventy-five feet. Its like being a shitty Iron Man.

In the summertime, instead of riding moto in the morning I might go to the ocean and do some stand-up paddleboarding or some surfing. I also like to ride my Jet Ski. I live in a city, but I like knowing that at any time I can drive down to the marina and get five miles away from any other human on the planet. On a Jet Ski, you can go out into the middle of the ocean, get completely naked, and just lie there. You can do anything and it doesnt matter, because if anybody was coming you could see them from miles away. You can relax and float around, and since youre on the Jet Ski, you know that sharks cant eat you.

Sharks freak me out. They are real-life monsters. Not some bullshit in a horror movie. Not some made-up Loch Ness monster. Sharks are remorseless killing machines. Hopefully I never have to face off against a shark. Ive given the idea a lot of thought, and I may be a pretty tough guy, but I believe thats a bad matchup for me.

Speaking of fighting, sometimes in the morning I go to a gym to do some boxing or MMA. I love learning a new hand combo or doing some sparring. Ive knocked people out before Ive gone to work. And I dont spar with anyone who hasnt had pro fights. Sometimes the guys I spar with are twice my size. Which means Ive gotten knocked out before work, too. To me, that is just as awesome. The better and the more famous the guy is, the more of a highlight it is for me to get punched by him. A busted face makes me really happy. If somebody gets me good and my eye is swelled up for a whole radio show, Im super hyped about that. To me, black eyes are man makeup.