Danny Silk - Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair with Punishment
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- Book:Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair with Punishment
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Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair with Punishment: summary, description and annotation
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Living with humans is messy. Our children make messes. Our spouses and friends make messes. So do our coworkers, bosses, pastors, and presidents . . . and so do we. Messes are scary, painful, and offensive. And whether were dealing with the pain of a personal failure, the frustration of a disrespectful child, the devastation of a major betrayal, the stress of a workplace conflict, or the fallout of larger social injustices, classically we react the same way--with fear, shame, and punishment. These reactions are understandable . . . but they dont do anything to fix the problem. In fact, they only perpetuate a culture of fear, unforgiveness, retribution, and disconnection. Jesus came to show us a better way to respond to human messes--the way of repentance, reconciliation, and restoration. This way removes fear, shame, and punishment from peoples lives, empowers them to deal with the root of their problems, and equips them to build a new lifestyle of walking in the light and protecting connection with God, themselves, and others. Unpunishable is a roadmap for walking out repentance, reconciliation, and restoration in our own lives, leading others in this journey, and creating punishment-free cultures of love in our lives, relationships, families, churches, and organizations.
Danny Silk: author's other books
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Unpunishable
Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment
Copyright 2019 by Danny Silk
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked TPT are from The Passion Translation. Copyright 2017, 2018 by Passion & Fire Ministries, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ThePassionTranslation.com.
Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
ISBN: 978-1-947165-76-2
eISBN: 978-1-949709-68-1
eISBN: 978-1-949709-68-1
Printed in the United States
lovingonpurpose.com
To all the people Ive worked with through the years who have been faithful to dig deep into humility and receive the grace of God that gives the power and desire to do His will.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Allison ArmerdingOnce again, youve pulled together another masterpiece! You are such a stellar human and a wonderful genius to work with. My gratitude goes beyond simple words. You are my friend.
Loving On Purpose TeamSheri Silk, Ben and Brittney Serpell, Leah Rivas, Anna Hill, Ashley Beck, and Phin (Office Mascot, Golden Doodle). You all live this message so beautifully and are faithful representatives to the world that is watching and learning from you. Thank you for making this journey that much more fun and enjoyable.
Ryan SprengerHere we go again! Another self-published book that NewType and Printopya pulled together. I am so grateful for your leadership and servant heart. Thank you to you and your team!
Ben and Heather ArmstrongYou are love champions and my personal heroes! I am challenged by the fruit of your lives. You have changed the course of history by simply saying, I choose you.
Josh and Robin BiddlecombYou are legends in my heart! Thank you for putting in those hard miles to reach the top of family legacy, and for trusting God to work all things together for good.
Pep and Angie RobeyYou sure changed my life with your story. I am forever grateful for your courage and reconciliation.
Jonathon and Karen WeltonThank you for your help with this book! From theology to humility, you are both major contributors to the better covenant on the earth. I am happy to walk with you and to call you friends.
Dann FarrellyThank you, once again, for the plumb line and the strength you have added to my life.
Shawn BolzYour friend heart runs deep! I love what I see you building in this life. Cherie was a classy move, as are the lovely ladies youve added to the household. Thanks for your help with this project!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FOREWORD
I was raised by two first-generation Christians who had lived broken lives before coming to Christ. They grew up in very broken families where there had been abuse, anger, and punishment. My parents were also children of the 1950s and raised their kids from the 60s to the 80s, so the parenting role models, both in popular psychology and the church, were punishment-based. My parents knew they didnt want to parent me and my siblings the way they were parented, however, and fought to learn how to keep connection with us and not risk losing it by being overly harsh with us. They did an amazing job of working through their salvation right in front of us.
I remember one time, my dad was so angry when I had done something wrong that he looked at me and said, I shouldnt be this angry. What you have done doesnt deserve this kind of response. I dont want you to feel like my anger is your responsibility to manage or is related to what you have done. Why dont you go play while I work on calming down and managing my anger with God so that I can talk to you about what you have done in a right way.
My dads self-awareness spared me from feeling wrath in a situation where so many experience harsh judgment, punishment, and consequences instead of real love, connection, and commitment. His vulnerability showed me what his goals were when I did something wrong. It wasnt to express himselfit was to help me understand that he was a real human recovering from real brokenness caused by his own parents, who had used control and anger to manage him. He didnt want to repeat that, and as his relationship with God grew, he became a good model to me and my sisters of being adaptable and setting new goals that were not based on the punishment model he had received. My parents both strived to live out something different in their Christianity, which seemed rare in the culture of the time and made our family unique.
The fruit of their transition from a punishment model to a discipline model led to my sisters and me barely experiencing any real self-inflicted trouble in our lives. I have never been drunk, tried drugs, had premarital sex, or done anything illegalnot because I was afraid of the punishment of my parents or the law, but because the way my parents showed me Gods love and their love caused me to want to protect that connection at all costs. My dad modeled what it looked like to not chase other women or have a pornography habit from the time I was young, because he loved my mom so much he didnt want to lose any of that connection. It caused me to believe that if I hurt my connections with them, which I did a few times in real ways, I would need to fight for repentance, reconciliation, and connection at all costs.
When I sat down to read the manuscript for this book, I was expecting a good read, but I was also busy, so I was telling myself, Be really present and connected with this. Boy, did I not need the self-talk. I was captured from the opening pages. I found myself stretchedin a good way, but also almost uncomfortablyfirst through the stories, then through Dannys language for approaching one of the most difficult subjects in Christianity: How do we walk out the painful parts of our relational journey and see them through a biblical lens? How do we do repentance? How do we build reconciliation? How do walk out healthy conflict with people like our children or others we lead or are responsible for? Also, when we sin, how do we walk out rebuilding connection and setting the goals for repentance, as opposed to just working out of shame and guilt? How do we not punish each other or ourselves?
In Christianity, we have lacked emotional and spiritual intelligence across the board for knowing what to do when someone fails us and themselves. We know we are supposed to live the radical life of love Jesus modeled for us. Yet, punishment is humanitys go-to, and so many times we end up defaulting to self-protection and harsh discipline instead of love-based discipline, and we put ourselves or others in a position where we just cant succeed. When you read Unpunishable , you will unlearn and learn some important things as you are confronted by the simple, biblical response we are called to have toward sin and failure, as well as how to have a heart response to people in your life and in our culture.
This book is giving me new spiritual intelligence to deal with failure. I immediately started to see the stakes differently in relationship. I also had to rethink some of the interactions I have had with friends, family, employees, and church members in the past because I didnt always live out of a healthy theology or have language to define it. I am doing some soul-searching to recover anything I have lost because of the times I have acted from a punishment mindset instead of the mindset of grace and reconciliation that Danny so clearly expresses in Unpunishable . Thats just how honest I have to be in writing this foreword. This book will make you change. It will set a new structure inside of youa new response to sin, repentance, conflict, and a process around these issues. I think almost everyone who reads this will have quick, visible growth in some areas that are so misunderstood in the church today. Ultimately, Unpunishable is a revolution of theology that is love-based, approachable, spiritually intelligent, and clean.
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