Martin - I cant stop crying: grief and recovery: a passionate guide

Copyright 1992 by John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris

First published by Key Porter Books in 1992
McClelland & Stewart edition published in 2013

All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher or, in case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency is an infringement of the copyright law.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Martin, John D.
I cant stop crying : grief and recovery, a compassionate guide / John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris.

eISBN: 978-0-7710-5463-1

1. Bereavement Psychological aspects. 2. Death Psychological aspects. 3. Grief. I. Ferris, Frank D. II. Title.

BF 575. G 7 M 215 2013 155.937 C 2012-903905-5

McClelland & Stewart,
a division of Random House of Canada Limited
One Toronto Street, Suite 300
Toronto, ON
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v3.1

To Constance and Christopher:

With your love, support, and encouragement, this book,
and all the things that brought it together, were possible.

After the death of his wife,
C. S. Lewis wrote of his grief:

Im not afraid, but no one told me it
would feel so much like fear.

For a variety of reasons, our society has lost touch with the process of understanding and accepting death and grief. As a result, we seem to have difficulty grieving in a normal and healthy way. In this book, the authors address that lack, offering perspective to the person who is grieving. They explain and document the different components of and reactions in the grief response, to create a coherent and sensible picture of what is often a bewildering and confusing time.

Using the three Rs realize, recognize, and rebuild this book emphasizes the often-forgotten point that grief, however painful, has a purpose and an objective: to allow us to reconstruct our lives after a major loss. In addition, this book underlines the differences between healthy and unhealthy grief reactions. Using their own experiences as grief therapists, the authors offer practical advice, shedding light on a topic that is clouded by misunderstanding.

I Cant Stop Crying can and should be read by anyone going through grief, and perhaps by everyone else as well. Our society needs to be re-educated in understanding grief. This book is part of that much-needed enlightenment.

Dr. Robert Buckman, MD, PhD (1992)

If you have ever experienced the death of someone close to you, such as your spouse or partner, or a close friend, you will remember just how different you felt after his or her death. Whether the death occurred recently or several years ago, you may still be feeling very different. These feelings are often overwhelming and so personal that other people seem to have great difficulty understanding them.

In our daily work, we see many people who have experienced the death of someone close to them, or the loss of something significant to them. Throughout this book, these people the true experts will speak to you about their feelings, struggles, and situations. Through their experiences, we hope you will see that you are not as alone as you might think. We will also suggest ways that might help you cope with your loss and feelings.

Most often, the grief that we see is in response to the death of a partner. We use the term partner or loved one to refer to all of the important relationships (e.g., spouses, common-law and gay/lesbian partners, lovers, parents, siblings, intimate friends, and companions) that people share in life.

This book will speak mostly about the grief associated with the loss of a partner. However, we believe that the issues we present can easily be applied to the grief associated with any death, or to any situation where there has been a significant loss.

We have heard all of the stories in this book many times. Any resemblance to a real person is only coincidental.

Although this book is the result of collaboration between two authors, for simplicity we shall speak as one voice.

In 2011, Robert Buckman, who was influential in the writing of this book and encouraging in many ways, died suddenly. He was a strong supporter, and we continue to feel grateful for his help.

In addition, we would like to give thanks to those who contributed significantly to making this work possible: Helen McNeal, Reverend Alan Tipping, Heidi Winter, and especially Barbara Durette.

Thank you also to Kendra Ward, and to McClelland & Stewart and Random House of Canada.

W hen I Cant Stop Crying was originally published more than twenty years ago, I knew that permission was an essential tool for recovering from grief. I understood by experience and somehow by instinct, that those who had suffered loss through the death of a loved one needed, perhaps more than anything else, to be able to feel, say, and do what they must in order to begin to recover from their pain.

Responding to grief can be very difficult. The death of one person will have ripples that will touch the lives of many. Sometimes its clear to see who the griever is, to identify who needs our support and attention. But at other times things can become very confusing. Dad dies and so Mom is the primary griever. However, if there are children, they too are hurting, maybe at very different levels and at different times. Grandchildren, if there are any, will have feelings of grief, and siblings of the person who has died may be having trouble. Surely friends, and possibly co-workers, of the one gone will also be touched by the loss. Our roles are not clear-cut. Today, you may be the one in need; tomorrow, the one helping to care for a family member or friend, who may need help too. Because grief has so many changing dynamics and since the needs of those who are hurting around us are often shifting, we have difficulty knowing what to say or what to do. So, unfortunately, we often say and do things that cause the person who is hurting more pain. We dont want to say something that might cause more discomfort. We try hard to speak of pleasantries and daily life, all the while hoping desperately that the one grieving doesnt really need our help. What would we do then?

But a clich here, a bit of patronization there, all in the name of not knowing what to say, often makes the whole thing worse. We avoid what needs to be spoken of, or at least offered. None of this is difficult to understand, but often adds to the feeling that expressions of grief are somehow wrong, or to be done only in private.

Over the years I have come to believe even more firmly in the power of permission to heal. Being able to find and receive permission to grieve allows the process of grief to begin and enables those who are hurting to feel and express themselves in ways that will lead to their eventual recovery.