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To Justine and Kyle, and in loving memory of Denise, Cynthia, Christabel, Andrew, Janis, Jean-Marc, Vijay, and Bruce
Published in 2000 by The Rosen Publishing Group, Inc. 29 East 21st Street, New York, NY 10010
Copyright 2000 by Sandra and Owen Giddens
First Edition
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Giddens, Sandra. Coping with grieving and loss / Sandra and Owen Giddens. p. cm. (Coping) Includes bibliographical references and index. Summary: Explains the stages of grieving and how to cope with loss and death, including where to go for help. ISBN 0-8239-2894-2 (lib. bdg.) 1. Grief in adolescenceJuvenile literature. 2. Bereavement in adoles cenceJuvenile literature. 3. Loss (Psychology) in adolescenceJuvenile literature. 4. Teenagers and deathJuvenile literature. [1. Grief. 2. Death. 3. Loss (Psychology).] I. Giddens, Owen. II. Series. BF724.3.G73 .G53 1999 155.9'37'0835dc21 99-044890 CIP AC
Manufactured in the United States of America
Page iii
About the Authors
Owen Giddens, Ph.D., C.S.W., L.M.F.C.C., is in private practice as a psychotherapist, helping teens to work through the grieving process. He works with both individuals and families and specializes in pain management techniques. Owen is married to Sandra Giddens, and they have two children, Justine and Kyle.
Sandra Giddens, M.Ed., is currently an educational assessment teacher with the Toronto District School Board. Her first book, Escape: Teens Who Escaped from the Holocaust to Freedom, was published by the Rosen Publishing Group in January 1999. Sandra is presently working on her Doctorate of Education dissertation. She would like to dedicate this book to the loving memory of her father, Joe Weisfeld.
Page iv
Acknowledgments
Special thanks to Rabbi Larry Pinsker, Pastor Bob Fukimoto, and Dr. Leslie Balmer.
Page v
Contents
Introduction
1
1
What Is Loss, Grieving, and Mourning?
5
2
The Funeral
16
3
Friends and Family
23
4
Anger, Guilt, and Depression
35
5
Acceptance
53
6
Recovery
63
7
Changing Emotions After a Death
77
8
Coping with Loss
91
9
Violence in the Schools
104
10
Closing Thoughts
108
Glossary
113
Where to Go for Help
115
For Further Reading
117
Index
119
Page 1
Introduction
We live in a world where endings in fairy tales conclude with "They lived happily ever after." When you were a child you may have wanted to live in that fantasy world. As you grow older and gain more life experience, you soon come to realize that life begins with birth, and death will eventually follow.
A long time ago in a small village, a woman came to the religious leader. In her arms she tightly gripped a small bundle. She begged for an audience before the leader. When it was finally granted, she pleaded with the leader to bring her small baby back to life. The leader compassionately told her that she must look into the eyes of others in the village to find a family that had never been touched by death. The woman wandered the village day and night and looked into peoples' eyes and heard their stories. She finally returned to the leader. She said that she now was ready to bury her baby. She understood that death had touched everyone at one time or another.
As you watch the different stages that a flower goes through, from seed to bud, to full bloom, and finally to wilting, you will also see the different stages of your own life. If you were to live a long life you would grow from infant to child, to teenager, to adult, and finally to old age. Each
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