LOVING YOURSELF
LOVING ANOTHER
You may also be interested in the following Relate titles published by Vermilion:
Better Relationships by Sarah Litvinoff
Staying Together by Susan Quilliam
Sex in Loving Relationships by Sarah Litvinoff
Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff
Second Families by Suzie Hayman
Loving in Later Life by Suzy Powling and Marj Thoburn
Stop Arguing, Start Talking by Susan Quilliam
After the Affair by Julia Cole
To obtain a copy, simply telephone TBS Direct on 01206 255800
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ISBN 978-1-4070-7158-9
Version 1.0
www.randomhouse.co.uk
For Eileen
9 10 8
Text Julia Cole and Relate 2001
Julia Cole has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this work under the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act 1988.
This electronic book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
First published in the United Kingdom in 2001 by Vermilion
an imprint of Ebury Press
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ISBN: 978-1-4070-7158-9
Version 1.0
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to express my warmest thanks to everyone who helped to make this book possible:
To Suzy Powling, Derek Hill and Sarah Bowler, previously of Relate, and Angela Sibson, Marj Thoburn and Sue Broome of Relate who supported and encouraged me in the writing of this book.
To Jacqueline Burns, Joanna Carreras and Kate Adams of Vermilion for all their hard work towards ensuring that Loving Yourself, Loving Another reached fruition.
To Jo Frank, my agent, for her wise advice and help in all my literary endeavours.
A thank you to all the couples whom I have counselled through Relate, and whose real-life experiences helped to inspire the content of this book.
And to my family, Peter, Adam and Hannah, for their understanding and loving support in all my work.
FOREWORD
If you do not love yourself, it is almost impossible to love another. Valuing your own abilities and attributes helps you to feel good about yourself. This can not only make you attractive to a partner, but will enable you to be part of a loving relationship that is secure and satisfying. From self-esteem comes couple-esteem. Couple-esteem can create a partnership that supports your relationship in work and home life, allowing you to feel free to enjoy life instead of finding yourself shoring up a troubled partnership.
This book is divided into two sections. The first section looks at different elements of self-esteem, dividing self-esteem into three different areas the physical, mental and emotional self. This section contains several questionnaires that will help you to assess your personal level of self-esteem as well as offering suggestions for increasing self-esteem, and help in understanding why low self-esteem can develop. The different chapters in this section will also help you to: understand how self-esteem is formed, cope with anxiety, improve a poor body image and learn how to manage difficult emotions.
The second section discusses couple-esteem. Each chapter looks at a different aspect of couple relationships, including how to create couple-esteem and make it work for you, sexual relationships and hurtful relationships. This section also offers new ways of managing relationship problems, as well as celebrating positive aspects of couple relationships.
Relate counsellors often report that lack of self-esteem frequently underpins problem relationships. Arguments, communication problems, depression and sexual difficulties can all stem from low self-esteem in one or both partners. Chronic anxiety and stress can also indicate low couple-esteem. The aim of this book is to offer a practical guide to building positive self- and couple-esteem across the whole of a partnership.
Before you read this book, ask yourself why you chose it. Do you feel that your self-esteem is at a low ebb? Would you like to know how to improve your sense of self-worth? And would you like to understand how to boost your couple-esteem? If you have answered yes to these questions, then this is the book for you, but do not forget that Relate is there for you if you need further help. In a Relate study, 80 per cent of people who used the agency said they were satisfied with the service they received. Relate counsellors really can help you to resolve relationship problems and regain a positive self-esteem.
Chapter 1
THE IMPORTANCE
OF SELF-ESTEEM
Do you like yourself? Are you comfortable in your own skin? If you have picked up this book my guess is that sometimes you feel good about yourself and sometimes you do not. You may also find that when your self-esteem is low, your relationships with others especially your partner suffer. Many Relate counsellors say that a low sense of self-esteem in one, or both people, in a partnership is the single largest contribution to relationship problems. Low self-esteem in both partners can lead to a feeling that the relationship is lacking in some way, often leading to arguments and sometimes the breakdown of the relationship. This book will help you to understand more about the development of self-esteem, how to cultivate a sense of self-esteem that is appropriate for you and how to use this knowledge to improve your 'couple-esteem' whether your relationship feels out of touch and under par or switched on and supportive.
WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
Of course, what is actually meant by self-esteem often differs from person to person. For some people, low self-esteem comes from disliking their body shape. For others, it is caused by guilt about something they wish they had not done. High self-esteem can result from such diverse factors as enjoying work, running a marathon or becoming a parent.
But most people do not experience the soaring heights of euphoric self-esteem all the time. We all tend to go up and down on a graph that, spread over a period of time, would demonstrate that we have good days, weeks or months, and some less good times. If the ups and downs balance each other out most people would say that they feel OK about their life. If the downs outweigh the ups, we are likely to feel depressed and to find life very difficult to cope with. If the ups far outweigh the downs, we could be left feeling that we always had to live at this level. We might even fear that the euphoria of feeling this way might not be maintained, and spend a lot of time waiting for a fall. Most of us think of a mix of ups and downs as 'normal'.
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