Judy Bodmer - When Love Dies: How to Save a Hopeless Marriage

W HEN LOVE DIES

How to Save a Hopeless Marriage

Judy Bodmer

1999 by Judy Bodmer.

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Unless otherwise indicated Scripture quotations used in this book are from The New International Version (NIV) 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Other Scripture quotations are from:

The Living Bible (TLB) 1971 by Tyndale House Publishers,Wheaton, Ill. Used by permission.

The Message (THE MESSAGE) 1993. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

The New King James Version (NKJV) 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

The Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT). 1996 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

The New Revised Standard Version (NRSV). 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bodmer, Judy. 1950
When love dies : how to save a hopeless marriage / by Judy Bodmer.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-8499-3714-9
1. Marriage. 2. MarriagePsychological aspects. 3. Love. 4. Divorce. 5. International relations. I. Title.
HQ734.B666 1999
306.81dc21

99-24421
CIP

Printed in the United States of America
09 10 11 12 13 QW 24 23 22 21 20

T his book is dedicated to my husband, Larry, whose love and encouragement and steadfast belief in our marriage, even during the hard years, made all of this possible.

And to my friend Jesus Christ,
who loves me just the way I am.

Contents

I owe a special thanks to my writing groups and prayer partners, Peggy King Anderson, Janet Carey, Peg Kehle, Dawn Knight, Katherine G. Bond, Jan Keller, Tammy Perron, Scott Pinzon, Thorn Ford, Johnna Howell, Paul Malm, and Lisa Foster. They kept me going when I wanted to quit. They loved me when I didnt much care for myself and taught me how to be persistent in the face of discouragement.

I also owe Kent Crockett a big thanks for helping me find my agent, Steven L. Green, who opened the door to Word.

Finally, thanks to the wonderful staff at Thomas Nelson: Joey Paul, Laura Kendall, Pamela McClure, Debbie Wickwire, and to my editor, Nancy Norris.

I t has taken me fifteen years to write this book. I thought I needed a perfect marriage in order to speak to other women about improving theirs. Ive realized I will never reach that goal, so Im writing this book from my heart. Im writing as someone who sometimes struggles with her feelings for her husband. There have been times I havent felt much love for him; there have been times Ive even wondered if I liked him. Im speaking as someone who has come to the edge of divorce, but stayedeven though I didnt feel like it. I stayed believing that if I did the right thing, God would renew my love. Through my struggles, Ive learned a thing or two, and I want to share them with you, not as an expert, but as a friend. I am imperfect, just as I suspect you are. I hope our hearts will touch at the point of our imperfections. And because of that, youll be encouraged.

CHAPTER ONE
When Love Dies

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.
PSALM 30:11

I was married in a small town in northern Idaho. The church was filled with my friends, my relatives, and people of the community who felt like family because Id known them all my life. The organist played the opening chords of the Wedding March. I took my fathers arm. The stiffness around his mouth was the only sign of the struggle he was having at giving me away to a man he hardly knew. We slowly walked down the aisle together, he tall and proud, and me frightened and excited, toward my beginning and his ending.

Larry looked pale. It was hard to tell if it was from the flu hed had the week before or from the commitment he was about to make. We exchanged our vows. They were simple words that pledged our love through better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

If Id been honest that day I would have said something like this: Larry, youve made me feel beautiful, feminine, smart, and funny. Youre the first person who truly accepted me for who I am. We can talk about anything. The hours weve spent together have been pure joy. I feel fulfilled and complete. Ive never experienced such happiness. And Larry, I expect you to make me feel this way for the rest of my life.

Six months later, I sat in a small apartment in Seattle, which my parents referred to as a closet, and wondered what Id done. All my friends were in Idaho, and Larry, who only a few months before couldnt live without me, was too busy at his new job to talk to me on the phone. All I had was a black-and-white TV to keep me company. The man whom I couldnt wait to spend the rest of my life with now seemed distracted and uninterested. The fun-loving college student who took me to parties and movies and on sleigh rides suddenly had all these errands to run and chores to do. He measured the success of his days by how many things he marked off his to-do list. Resentment and dissatisfaction began growing in my heart.

Instead of dealing with it, I buried it. I didnt feel I had a right to complain, and I surely didnt want to start a fight or hurt my husbands feelings. I chose another path. I went back to school and got my degree. Tensions eased as I developed my own career, and we began to make plans for our future.

Six years later, we had a baby, a home, and two careers. We went to church every Sunday, participated in Bible studies and evangelism programs, planted flowers in the garden beds, and put on a smile for everyone who walked through our door. From the outside, it appeared we had it all. Even if you had sat at our kitchen table, you would not have known anything was amiss.

Then Larry found himself unemployed. I was frightened; he withdrew even farther. We became strangers sitting across the table from each other, and we were angry. We couldnt talk about anything without losing our tempers or getting our feelings hurt. I wanted Larry to fix what was wrong. But the more I yelled, the more he withdrew until neither of us wanted much to do with the other. We shared the same bed and even had another baby.

Two babies, a marriage that was failing, and we were Christians. A pastor told me it was a spiritual problem. Get right with God, then everything would be okay. I prayed, but it seemed as though God wasnt listening. I dreaded Sunday mornings. I hated putting on that phony smile that said to the world everything was okay, when everything wasnt okay. I withdrew from all of my church activities, avoided my Christian friends, and started overeating. Good Christians didnt have bad marriages. I felt ashamed.