Helen Thorn - Get Divorced, Be Happy: How becoming single turned out to be my happily ever after

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First published by Vermilion in 2021

Copyright Helen Thorn 2021

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Cover design by Emma Scott-Child

ISBN: 978-1-473-59381-7

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This book is a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of the author. In some cases names of people, places, dates, sequences and the detail of events have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

For Matilda and Hugo, my brilliant children and my everything.

And for Ellie Gibson, my comedy wife and best friend.

Since coming out as single in 2020, I have received hundreds of messages from women around the world asking me whether they should leave their partners, how to know when its the right time to go, or what online dating is really like. It has been incredibly heartening that people feel they can trust me with such big life decisions. But what can I reply to women Ive never met, whose partners I dont know, whose relationships Ive never witnessed?

Part of me just wants to say, Hi Susan, yup, definitely leave him, forge a new life, get a tattoo and discover the joys of fucking twenty-something men you meet on Tinder. Because I truly think if they are asking a stranger on Instagram about their marriage, then they really already know the answer to these questions. They want out. They want better. They want to be happy. And the realisation that we dont have to be miserable or put up with shitty partners any more is a powerful shift for women everywhere. There is a deep rumbling in our culture; the tectonic plates are moving and creating a new landscape for us to be single, free and fabulous.

In the past few years, divorce rates have been increasingly rising and there has also been a significant drop in the number of both heterosexual and same-sex couples getting married. The pandemic has obviously contributed to this, as theres nothing like being locked up 24/7 with a partner to find out whether or not you really want to spend the rest of your life with them. But this is only part of it. Through strong voices on social media, a change in how we perceive single life and solo parenting, and the way in which we now champion our confidence, self-love and self-worth, we are gaining the strength to end or change relationships we would have previously endured. We stayed in crappy marriages because that is what society has always celebrated: couples are good; separation is bad. But, this, thank fuck, is changing.

In 2020, an article in The Sunday Times entitled The Power of Being Single, by journalist Fleur Britten, cited extensive academic research that suggests there is a new single-positive trend emerging. And that prediction is that by 2030 single-person households will see faster growth than any other household type globally. More and more of us are becoming single and are much happier for it. Us singletons arent waiting to be fulfilled by a partner; we have everything we need. Britten, herself a single working mother of two, says, My headspace and my diary are at capacity, my heart and bed brimming. Millennials and younger people are now actively choosing to live alone and wont settle for unhappiness and, overall, we are starting to see the uncoupling of society. I, like Britten, am thrilled to be part of a new trend of being very single and satisfied. And I wont stop spreading the word about it, either.

Across social media, there are thousands of accounts and individuals that are single and proud, and more and more women are championing the virtues and joy of living alone. This is starting to have a huge impact. Australian author and feminist Clementine Ford speaks and writes extensively about the power of women leaving toxic relationships. Clementine told me, I get so many messages on Instagram from women saying, I have left my husband; its the best thing I ever did, and I wouldnt have done it if I hadnt started following your posts. You gave me the courage to do it!. She adds, Women just need to see that it is possible. It is not necessarily going to be easy, but we just need to know that it is possible.

Sharing positive stories of separation and singledom is creating waves. I adore that women contact me and feel comfortable talking about their relationships, even if I am entirely unqualified to help them with their difficulties. It is true that I am gloriously happy that I became single in my early forties, and I do like to shout about it, a LOT. If I could be a superhero, Id be the Divorcinator, setting women free from the clutches of shit marriages. SHAZAM!

But I want to be clear, I am not against marriage, love or romance, because when its good, its brilliant. I loved being in a couple and having someone to share my life with well, most of the time. We had our ups and downs, and we went through couples counselling over the course of our relationship. But I simply didnt want to contemplate that there was even the slightest chance of getting separated. It was what happened to other people, not me. I believed wholeheartedly that my husband and I were going to be together, forever, right to the end, even when I would be wearing nappies and he would be on his second hip replacement. I was in love with being in love.

And then, on a cold night in March 2020, I suddenly became single. And when the world shut down a few weeks later, I found myself in a world of homeschooling, wine and cigarettes, with no friends to hug, no pubs to escape to, no overpriced spa days to soak away my misery. If Bear Grylls had designed divorce, this was it: extreme divorce in a global pandemic.

Its funny how little we prepare for something we have such a huge chance of encountering. With 42 per cent of marriages in the UK ending in divorce, it is extraordinary that we dont give it more thought when getting married. In all honesty, I think I spent more time making sure I had a fire blanket for the kitchen and an emergency breakdown kit for the car than I did contemplating that I, one day, would become a single woman again even though the chances of this were far higher than my cooker going up in flames. In a world where you cant even get a takeaway cappuccino without a warning message on the cup, it made me wonder where the risk assessment forms are when you sign a marriage contract? Shouldnt wedding rings come with a safety warning? Side effects may include sudden heartbreak, loss of assets and having to decide who gets the cat.

Divorce and separation is a reality we dont want to think about when we are buying our bridal gowns, sorting seating plans and working out if we can afford to have Aunty Mary and all four cousins. Or, if you dont go down the marriage route, and are in the blissed-out setting up the forever home and happily-ever-after life together stage, you dont want to pop that love bubble with thoughts of a messy end. Because it would be nice to think it wont happen to you, but chances are it might, and if it doesnt, it will happen to your neighbour, your best mate or your mum. Divorcees and singletons, you see, are everywhere. And guess what? This is a good thing. In ending a toxic relationship, or just parting ways when things arent working any more, people may just eventually find unwedded bliss. Because, as I have learnt this past year, and many others have told me, separation is not a failure, and it is certainly not anything to feel shame about, or cover in secrecy. Becoming single is, for most people, an opportunity for happiness and, frankly, a better life. So, why, when it is so common, is it still such a shock and just so absolutely shit when it