Lillian Glass - Toxic People

BY LILLIAN GLASS

How to Deprogram Your Valley Girl
Talk to Win: Six Steps to a Successful Vocal Image
Say It... Right: How to Talk in any Social or Business Situation
He Says, She Says: Closing the Communication Gap Between the Sexes
Toxic People

YOUR TOTAL IMAGE PUBLISHING
9663 SANTA MONICA BLVD
SUITE 771
BEVERLY HILLS, CA 90210

COPYRIGHT 1995 BY LILLIAN GLASS
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED,
INCLUDING THE RIGHT OF REPRODUCTION
IN WHOLE OR IN PART IN ANY FORM WHATSOEVER.

DESIGNED BY BARBARA M. BACHMAN
MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

9 10

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
GLASS, LILLIAN

TOXIC PEOPLE : 10 WAYS OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE/LILLIAN GLASS.

P. CM.

INCLUDES BIBLIOGRAPHICAL REFERENCES AND INDEX.

1. INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT. 2. ADJUSTMENT (PSYCHOLOGY) 3. INVECTIVE.

4. INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION. I. TITLE.

BG637.I48G57 1995

158'.2DC20 95-1431

CIP

ISBN 978-1-929873-01-2 (electronic book text)

ISBN 978-1-929873-00-5 (HARDBACK)

TO ALL THE TOXIC PEOPLE I HAVE KNOWN
THROUGHOUT MY LIFE : THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN
RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TO ME, WHO HAVE
NOT BELIEVED IN MY AIMS, AND WHO HAVE
TRIED TO THWART MY PURPOSES: I BLESS YOU
AND RELEASE YOU, AND I THANK YOU FOR
PROVIDING ME WITH DATA FOR THIS BOOK.
IT ONLY GOES TO PROVE THAT
THE PEN IS INDEED MIGHTIER THAN THE
SWORD!

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I wish to thank the following people:

My bright, beautiful, and bubbly superagent, Jan Miller, who made this all possible.

Dean Williamson, Jans associate, for his positive encouragement.

Bob Asahina, the greatest editor, for his wisdom, intelligence, and enthusiasm.

Sarah Pinckney for her terrific editing skills, wonderful insight, and kind words.

Rosalie Glass, my best friend and mother, who always makes me smile and whose teachings permeate this book.

All my dear and special friends throughout the world, for their love, kindness, positive thoughts, and best wishes.

INTRODUCTION

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Most of us grew up with this seemingly innocent childhood saying. We may have shouted it at the top of our lungs in order to drown out the ugly words of some childhood tormentora nasty girl or rude boy who was taunting us, badgering us, or hurling insults at us on the playground. Until now, we probably never gave this childhood mantra a second thought.

When we dissect this rhyme, we find both truth and untruth in it. While it is certainly true that sticks and stones can break ones bones, it is not true that words will never hurt you. Words will definitely hurt you.

Throughout my years of private practice as a communication specialist and a voice, speech, and image consultant, I have seen the incredible importance of words. I have seen what devastating effects ugly words, ugly actions, and nasty people have on other peoples lives. I have discovered how incredibly fragile we human beings are. We are so emotionally tender that we not only remember ugly things that happened to us as children but tend to live our lives based on words we heard and actions we saw in childhood.

After all, why else would so many of us have to seek psychotherapy as adults in order to help rid ourselves of the poor selfesteem inculcated in us as children?

When a middle-aged man is stuck in a rut with his job and feels that he cant get out, he realizes that it was his teachers words Youll never amount to anything and Youre not good enough that hold him back today.

When a young woman consults a therapist because of an eating disorder, she discovers that it was her hostile childhood classmates calling her a fat cow that put her on the road to anorexia.

When a little girl commits suicide, it is discovered that the constant teasing and harassment of her toxic peers led her to it.

It is amazing to see how many of these messages become engraved on our psyches and affect our self-esteem. How emotionally tender human beings are!

The tormentors who hurl negative verbal garbage that hurts us, scars us, and sometimes even immobilizes us are toxic people. A toxic person can be anyonechildhood classmate, brother or sister, parent, lover, husband or wife, boss or coworker.

A toxic person is anyone who has poisoned your life, who is not supportive, who is not happy to see you grow, to see you succeed, who does not wish you well. In essence, he or she sabotages your efforts to lead a happy and productive life.

Many psychologists suggest closing the door, letting go, and completely losing contact with a horrible person in your life, for the sake of improving and regaining your own mental health so that you can get on with your life. Though this may be an effective approach for many people, it is only one way to deal with a toxic person. I have discovered that there are many other available options, and I will describe them in this book.

As a communication specialist, I have spent literally thousands of hours hearing hundreds of people, ranging in age from four to eighty-seven, telling me what makes them unhappy. I found that the number one cause of my clients unhappiness was that certain toxic people made their lives a living hell. Perhaps the philosopher Sartre was right when he said, Hell is other people.

As I listened to countless testimonies, I discovered that there are indeed people who are hazardous to others mental, emotional, and physical health. I have seen people who were literally skin and bones because they were in abusive marriages. I have seen people end up in hospitals with bleeding ulcers because they were working for nasty, hostile bosses. I have seen parents lose their jobs and suffer financial setbacks because of an unruly teenager who stole and took drugs. I have seen a persons life become consumed by toxic friends who replaced almost every one of her thoughts with a negative one. I have heard a little girl tell me, I hope I die, because my mommy doesnt love me. She felt this way because her mother was hardly ever around. And when she was home, she yelled constantly at her daughter and told her what a bad girl she was.

Listening to these stories, I began to take notes. I saw numerous patterns emerge, and I learned some very interesting things. First of all, there were different types of toxic people (thirty, to be exact). Second, someone who is toxic to one person may not necessarily be toxic to another. I also learned that there were different ways to handle specific types of toxic people that could enable one to get along better and cope with them.

After offering my clients specific advice on how to communicate with the toxic people in their lives, I noticed how their lives turned around. My clients saw how effectively the techniques that I taught worked, time after time. It did not matter who the toxic perpetrator wasa nagging mother, a jealous husband, an abusive teacher, a harassing boss, or even a rude waiter, a pompous doctor, or a condescending salesperson. Whoever those people were, my clients now had the tools to handle them. They suddenly felt less stressed and not as depressed, more empowered, and much happier, when around the toxic person. I used these techniques in my own life, and I found that more and more of my days were happier. I no longer had to hold my feelings in or agonize about whether or not I said the right thing. I no longer had to beat myself up over what I should have said or what I should have done when a toxic person said something ugly to me.

I decided to take my knowledge about dealing with toxic people on the road. As an international motivational speaker, I brought up the topic in my lectures, and I found that