Dedication
For all wholike Mary and Marthalook at the tragedy in their lives and wonder why Jesus doesnt show up but still look for Him with broken hearts
and
To my life-partner, Judy, and our children, who never gave up on God, even when I did
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Without my wife, Judy, my faith would have faltered. Without her prayer, I would have died. Without her encouragement, I would never have written this book.
Judy, my family, and I wish to thank all who kneel with us at the throne of grace, begging God to let me live and serveespecially our truly healing community, Church of the Open Door.
Im especially grateful to Bruce Wilkinson, who told me that I should write this book; to Al Sanders and Joni Eareckson Tada, who told me I could write this book; and to Don Jacobson, who told me I would write this book. My thanks to Jenni Burke and the team at D. C. Jacobson & Associates, and also to Don Pape, Gudmund Lee, and the team at David C. Cook.
BEFORE YOU BEGIN
God extends His hand and offers you life abundant and joy unspeakable, for here and eternity. But do you ever wonder how much it could cost? The answer is short, simple, and painful. It will cost you everything , God replies.
Its not the answer most of us expect. Its not what the rich young ruler expected when he asked Jesus how he could have eternal life. Jesus told the young man to go out and sell everything he had, give the money to the poor, and follow Him as Lord. The young man could not bear the cost. And so he walked away the loser.
Most of us trifle with the cost of Christianity. We slap our sins on the table and, for the price of Somebody Elses blood, happily walk away with an asbestos-lined soul and a title deed to heaven. With eternity taken care of, we get back to living life as usual, offering the obligatory gestures to God on Sundays and holidays.
But God doesnt let us get away with that. Jesus said, Anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matt. 10:3839 NIV). What was true for the rich young ruler is true for us. God is constantly reminding us of what it costs to be a follower of Christ. And it hurts.
Its why my heart resonates with Ed Underwoods. He knows the cost. He knows that God always seems to be pointing to one more area of our life that needs to come under His domain. Ouch! Suffering hurts . Especially the kind of suffering Ed has experienced these many years. But this gentle man has learned that God will persevere at whatever point we resist. So every day Ed loses his life for Christs sake and, in so doing, finds life abundant and joy unspeakable.
Pastor Eds insights and wisdom are not espoused from a pulpit elevated above my experience. He doesnt package truth in platitudes. He doesnt speak about sufferingor about Godin trivial tones. Rather, he shares hard-fought-for wisdom thats been sifted through suffering, like grain gleaned from a thresher.
After more than forty years of quadriplegia, Im still learning the cost of following my Savior. But its becoming clearer. I see that pain is a bruising of a blessing; but a blessing, nonetheless. Its a strange, dark companion; but still, a companion. It drives me deeper into the fellowship of sharing in Christs afflictions, and closer to that place of intimacy with Jesus that is sweeter than words can describe. As someone once wrote, I receive pain as from the left hand of God. Yet the left one is better than no hand at all. Much better.
Its the way Ed Underwood looks at things too. Im convinced that as you read this highly personal and transparent book, you will discover the blessed cost of following the Savior as well. Why else would you pick up a book titled When God Breaks Your Heart unless youve been there, unless youve experienced the pain and you want to know whats beyond the heartbreak. Well, the horizon is bright and beautiful. More beautiful than anything you could imagine. So welcome to the club. Welcome to the pages of this exceptional book. Welcome to what it truly means to follow God.
Joni Eareckson Tada
Joni and Friends International Disability Center
Winter 2008
We pray that youll have the strength to stick it out over the long haulnot the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.
Colossians 1:1112 MSG
PREFACE
Ever wonder how God could watch what is happening to you or someone you love and not intervene? If you havent, you will. And knowing that God could do something about it will break your heart.
This is a book to help you or someone you love through the darkest days and nights. Its about people who have found a way to cling to God when others have walked away. There is little here for the philosopher or the theologian looking for a fresh approach to the problem of suffering. There is much here for those whose problem is suffering.
In the pages ahead youll find the freedom to admit what everyone feels when life hurts more than is imaginable God has let me down . I know. I live with a chronic leukemia that viciously attacks my skin with disfiguring and debilitating pain. As a dedicated Christian, my heart was broken to think that God didnt care for me enough to remove this deadly disease from my life.
When I decided it wasnt worth it to follow Jesus anymore, the story of Lazaruss family changed my mind. Jesus tender care for Martha and Mary convinced me that I was still His personal concern. In this familiar story from the gospel of John, I found the strength and hope I needed to live life from this aging and broken vessel.
As you read the story of this family that was closer to Jesus than any other, you might think John had your particular pain in mind when he wrote it. You will ask for Jesus care openly and feel His love in the ones He sends to your side. Most of all, you will see in His promises to Martha and Mary the keys to releasing all the good He intended to come from your private tragedy. What youll discover will open your life to His unique place of blessing because of your circumstances. And youll begin to live with unshakable hope that His love is guiding you along the path of life.
After discovering your path of blessing through their story, you will learn more about what it takes to walk that path through my story. In part 2, I want to walk you through some of the most difficult thresholds our suffering bringsby telling you some of the ways I experienced it firsthand, and how I dealt with it.
You might be surprised to know that you are not alone in your doubts and that youre set free to express your true feelings to God. You will be comforted to know that Jesus heart is breaking with yours. And when you discover how to experience His most intimate care, you will know why your suffering means that your greatest impact and influence for God is in front of you. I pray you will take Gods hand and mine, as we walk forward in hope together.
Ed Underwood
Pastor, Church of the Open Door
Glendora, California
Part I
When God Breaks Your Heart
Chapter 1
IF YOU HAD BEEN HERE
My personal crisis of suffering happened the night I almost lost my grip on faith in a sweat-soaked, blood-stained bed. My daughters family had just returned from a day trip to Disneyland and wanted to spend some time at Papa and Boppies home in the foothills north of Los Angeles. But Judy, my wife (Boppie to the grandchildren), and I were feeling less and less like the grandparents we used to be. Our life as we had known it was slipping away. I was very, very sick.
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