Dave Harvey - I Still Do Study Guide: Growing Closer and Stronger Through Lifes Defining Moments

When Kimm and I were first married, I remember being baffled by the ways I behaved and the conflicts we experienced. I remember thinking, Whats happening here? Am I possessed? Or wait... is she possessed? Oh Lord, is our marriage cursed?

Over time we discovered that saying I do is a defining experience.

I Still Do , p. 16

K imm and I didnt have much preparation for marriage. In the old days, when men sported pocket handkerchiefs and women rode sidesaddle, marriage preparation seemed to be condensed into one awkward conversation with a parent before your wedding night. Nowadays, such classified information is available instantly on the web. So conversations that were once pre-wedding have been moved up, essentially, to pre-school.

As for pre-marriage training, now the awkward conversations often take place through the tag-team efforts of parents, pastors, physicians, and other counselors. Sometimes the preparation is pretty thorough. At other times its more like a sparklerlit just long enough for an engaged couple to note the sparkle and sizzle before it quickly sputters out. Kimm and I had premarital counseling of this variety. And honestly, I think we missed the sparkler part.

Our premarital care consisted of one session before our wedding, and that one session was focused almost exclusively upon sex. There was no discussion of the delights or complications of sex. We were simply told that we needed to talk about it. Then our well-meaning counselor handed us a crate of cassette tapes containing messages about sex in marriage and urged us to listen. With the best intentions we could muster in the frenzy of our wedding arrangements, we promptly pitched the cassettes into the boot of our car. We figured if we had any problems with sex, wed pop the trunk. One day, nine months later, the counselor asked for his cassettes back. No problem! They were right where we left themsitting next to the spare tire, unopened and unused.

Its unsettling to think how unprepared we were as we began marriage. The number of surprises weve encountered along the way should come as no surprise. Getting married is a defining experience. It certainly opens our eyes to things we cannot see until after we utter I do. For one thing, marriage exposes our sin. It shows us our need for God to become man and spill his blood as our only remedy. But marriage helps us to see so much more than our sin. As Kimm and I have stacked up more and more anniversaries, weve begun to see other influences on our marriagefactors to which we were blind and matters for which we were woefully unprepared.

Im not mentioning this to lament the past. My goal is more forward-looking and strategic. Over the years, Kimm and I have had some marriage-defining moments where we just didnt know what to do. Those experiences have often determined our progress and sometimes, quite honestly, have marked points where weve plateaued. We learned that falling in love is easy; remaining in love is something entirely different. Kimm and I have often looked back and thought, Gee, it would have been really nice to know that sooner!

This study guide, in conjunction with the book I Still Do , is intended to help you identify some of the blind spots in your marriage relationship. My goal is to talk with you about some of the defining momentsthe life-defining experiences, events, and decisionsthat God uses to open our eyes. God presents these sorts of moments as invitations in the life of every couple. They become the doorways to new insights or trailheads that redirect our paths. How we respond to these moments in marriage determines whether we stumble along blindly or move forward toward maturity.

Reading

Chapter 1 of I Still Do

Genesis 2:1825

Ephesians 1:1523

Reflection Questions

Here is a selection of reflection questions and activities designed to fire your affections and get you thinking deeply about the truths presented in this chapter. Grab your Bible and a pen. Write out your answers and reflections and then share them with your spouse.

1. Defining moments are experiences or seasons in life when God...

• presents a decision for truth
• requires a cost
• offers a Christ-exalting opportunity
• grows the soul
• determines our destination

List out one moment for each of these descriptive phrases. For example, having a child that is born with a disability may be a moment that grows the soul. Moments like these often fit more than one category, but try to list five different defining moments if you can. Now think back through that list of defining moments from your life. What has God taught you through those moments?

2. In the section She Married a Harvey, I wrote about how my childhood home was a powerful shaping influence upon the way I process emotions. Often when we encounter weaknesses or personality differences in marriage, we instantly moralize them. But there are profound factors in our marriage that cant be so easily traced back to sinful desires.

What weaknesses or limitations do you have that have been shaped by your upbringing or life experiences?