Felicia Zopol - The sex instruction manual : essential information and techniques for optimum performance

Copyright 2009 by Quirk Productions, Inc.
Illustrations copyright 2009 by Headcase Design

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2008943529

eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-772-4
Trade Paperback ISBN: 978-1-59474-336-8

Designed and illustrated by Paul Kepple and Scotty Reifsnyder @ Headcase Design
www.headcasedesign.com

Trade paperback production management by John J. McGurk

Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
www.quirkbooks.com

v3.1

Remember that interactive animated paper clip that used to pop up on your word processing program to help you write a letter? Did you ever wish that something like that could guide you through the often confusing, sometimes cumbersome process of sexual coupling? Maybe not a talking paper clip exactly, but some trusted resource, some, oh, say, authoritative manual that would provide you with the solid, step-by-step instructions you need to make the most out of your sexual activity? The book you are reading now is just such a manual.

Sex is one of the most exciting, pleasurable, and rewarding activities available to the human racebut good luck finding reliable information about it. For most people, the subject is still taboo, and so we stumble through our sexual education via trial, error, and the occasional misleading Web site. Bogus herbal remedies promise to cure every manner of sexual dysfunction, and mass-market pornographywith its cavalcade of freakishly endowed grotesquesdoes more to distort peoples perceptions of what is possible and desirable between lovers than a thousand funhouse mirrors. The Sex Instruction Manual is an antidote to all of the rumors and hearsay perpetrated by our consumer culture. Its a guide to maximizing ones pleasure through the proper care, maintenance, and deployment of sexual parts, tools, and techniques.

For convenience and ease of use, this book has been divided into seven sections:

offers advice on finding a suitable partner and preparing your home and bedroom.

offers tips for gently coaxing your partner into the bedroom and guides you through the all-important early stages of lovemaking.

body parts using nothing more than your ten fingers plus your lips, teeth, and tongue.

explores the manifold varieties of malefemale sexual intercourse, with illustrations of dozens of postures and positions.

takes a tour of the outer fringes of sexual interface. It offers a brief introduction to the many kinks and fetishes popular today.

introduces some of the many devices that people use to increase the pleasure of, and add variety to, their sexual encounters.

educates on the many hardware and software glitches that can crash your sex life.

When performed properly, sexual intercourse can provide a lifetime of joy and intimacy. But mastering it takes years of practice and patience. Its not uncommon to experience despair, humiliation, loneliness, and pain in your pursuit of sexual satisfaction. But these feelings are normal and will fade as you become more adept. One day in the not-so-distant future, sexual ecstasy may seem as simple to you as changing a light bulb, turning on the TV, or writing a letter on your computer. Then you will know you have mastered sex.

Now, lets unpack the box, dump the Styrofoam peanuts, and get you started on the road to enjoying your new sex life.

Congratulations! Unless youve been the victim of an unfortunate thresher accident, your body is preinstalled with everything you need to achieve total sexual pleasure and fulfillment. Lets review the body parts that you must put into good working order before beginning operation of your sex life. If you or your partner is missing one or more of the parts described, contact a service provider immediately.

Head: The head is the center of sensory activity and the storage area for a persons unique sexual preferences and behavior. The head may also contain neuroses that can undermine sexual interface and attraction.

Hair: Not present on every model. Tint and thickness may vary. Since hair may be pulled during sexual activity, those wearing toupees may wish to make sure their hairpieces are securely mounted before commencing interface.

Eyes: Available in brown, gray, green, blue, and other related hues. Watch for slight alterations to indicate level of sexual interest and enjoyment. If eyes glaze over at any point, check for vital signs and begin immediate resuscitation.

Ears: Critical and often underutilized, the ears rarely receive physical attention. However, they can be crucial in alerting you to changes in your partners physical and psychological state.

Nose: A key sentinel for aromatic signs of sexual attraction and desire.

Mouth and Tongue: Perhaps the most critical sexual hardware component outside the genitals, the mouth plays a significant role in the seduction process and can be used throughout lovemaking in a variety of different ways.

Neck: A highly charged but often overlooked erogenous zone.

Skin: Covers almost the entire body and acts as a receptor of all physical pleasure.

Shoulders: As the arch of posture, they provide nonverbal clues about a persons sexual confidence and physical state.

Breasts: The most sensitive sexual hardware outside the genitals and two key components of sexual attraction.

Stomach: Holds the body in line during often rigorous sexual activities.

Arms: Critical for hugging and maintaining positioning during intercourse.

Hands: Vital during all stages of intercourse.

Fingers: Along with the tongue, the most skillful and versatile dispensers of pleasure.

Genitals: The epicenter of sexual activity, pleasure, and intimacy.

Legs: An important component in attraction for many people and critical in most intercourse postures.

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Before attempting sexual interface, make sure your home contains a special area suited for this unique activity. This area will serve as a staging ground for the crucial transitional process between initialization (also known as seduction), foreplay, and full sexual interface. Each feature in this location should contribute to the desired mood and atmosphere.