Paul Joannides - Guide To Getting It On: 9th edition

When I was working on the 1st edition of the Guide To Getting It On, I met with a group of gay men in the publishing industry. I told them I wanted this book to be one of the most inclusive books on sex ever written. I wanted it to speak to gays and lesbians as much as to people who are straight.

The first thing they did was point to a sad looking shelf in the back of the gay and lesbian bookstore where we were meeting. They said it was the one shelf in the entire bookstore that had to be dusted the most often. It was the shelf where the inclusive books on sex were placed.

They explained that gay men dont want to read books on sex with chapters about vaginas and breasts. Did I really think a gay guy would want to buy a book with illustrations of a man with his face between a womans legs like on pages ...

Their advice was, If you write it for everyone, it will speak to no one. They also asked if I woke up each morning with a hardon for other men. When I said no, they replied Why would you think you can write about our experience when it isnt your experience? They encouraged me to write what I know.

If you know about the politics of sex eduction, you would understand how shocking their response was. They were saying I need to make this book for people who are straight and mostly straight, as opposed to having a political agenda to make everybody love everyone. But their advice made sense, and thats what I did, with a twistI made respect for sexual differences a cornerstone of this book. This has apparently worked, considering how many of the college instructors who have assigned the book are gay and lesbian.

Ive also given up trying to please people who insist that every word of every sentence must not offend a single person on the entire planet. During this past year, Ive been told Im not supposed to say a womans clitoris because it might offend people who are transgender. So instead of using words like woman or man, I should say a person with a clitoris and vagina or a person with a penis.

The same goes for menstruation. Im not supposed to refer to women as having periods. They want me to use the gender-neutral term menstruators for persons who menstruate. Otherwise, according to the Society for Menstrual Cycle Research, I would be reinforcing the rigid gender binary that perpetuates privilege and oppression. As for the dude who drives across town in the middle of the night to buy a box of tampons for his menstruating girlfriend, I guess Im supposed to call him a non-menstruator.

It used to be the biggest enemy of this book were movies of childbirth they show in high school health classes in an attempt to scare girls from having sex. Instead of teaching about consent and the importance of learning about your body and talking to your partner about what feels good, they show close-up videos of 9-lb blood-covered babies forcing their way out of the vaginas of screaming women. From the time I started writing this book until now, our country has spent $2 billion promoting Abstinence-Only Sex Education and its message of shame. Based on the recent elections, there may be even more abstinence-only sex education, purity balls and virginity pledges.

And now, anything and everything having to do with sexuality has been landmined by academic types who see micro-aggressions and plots from the patriarchy lurking in every corner. When these people arent saying mean things to anyone who doesnt agree with them, they are often dismissive and act superior.

So each prior edition of this book has had to weather whatever storm our sex-confused culture could throw at it. This edition is no different. Its totally up for the task.

As for the buyer at the Babeland sex toy stores who refuses to carry The Guide unless I re-write it in a way that she approves of, Id like to say theres way more to diversity than using impossible pronouns and espousing only those beliefs that mirror your own. Ive spent a lifetime fighting for the rights of people who are gay, lesbian and transgender. Ive also written a book for men and women who like to have sex with each other. Im proud of both, and will not be changing a thing.

Paul Joannides, Psy.D.