Marie de Hennezel - A Frenchwoman’s Guide to Sex after Sixty

A Frenchwomans
Guide to

SEX AFTER SIXTY

MARIE DE HENNEZEL

Text copyright Marie de Hennezel 2017

Translation copyright Kate Bignold and Luisa Nitrato Izzo 2017

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a license from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright license, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.

Greystone Books Ltd.

www.greystonebooks.com

Cataloguing data available from Library and Archives Canada

ISBN 978-1-77164-334-4 pbk

ISBN 978-1-77164-335-1 ePub

Cover and text design by Nayeli Jimenez

Cover photograph by Randy Faris/Corbis/VCG

We gratefully acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the British Columbia Arts Council, the Province of British Columbia through the Book Publishing Tax Credit, and the Government of Canada for our publishing activities.

Mantra for Sex After Sixty

When we are lovers of love,

we remain so all our lives.

There is no age limit for loving desire,

erotic joy, or physical intimacy.

We just need to let our hearts and bodies

do their thing; they know how to make love.

If we try to recreate what we experienced

at a younger age, therell be no hope for us.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

A future for loving intimacy

WHEN MY BOOK The Warmth of the Heart Prevents Your Body from Rusting was first published in English, readers reacted to one chapter in particular: A Sensual Old Age, which focuses on the sexuality of seniors, a subject that still remains taboo. At the suggestion of my editor, I decided to dedicate an entire book to that topic. I wanted to understand the ways my perspective as a Frenchwoman could interest foreign readers, so I started to research. While digging into various publications regarding sexuality over age 60, I was struck by a particularly American obsession with youth. The focus for North American women seems to be on working out at the gym and undergoing cosmetic surgery to stay young and sexy looking as they advance in years. The standard of youth as the norm is also reflected in their approach to sexuality and seduction as they age.

I wanted to show that if theres no age limit to enjoying love, if making love is still an option, that is because the heart does not age, not because the body works to remain young. The body will age, sooner or later, but if we create intimacy in everyday life, develop our sensuality, and let tenderness bring our bodies together, then we can live out what I call a different kind of sexuality for a very long time. And in my experience, as well as that of the many men and women Ive met these past few years, it is just as satisfying.

In fact, I am pleading for a new sexual revolutionone for seniors. I have realized, after many conversations, that though we acknowledge that making love at age 70 will not be the same as at age 30, our generation has no desire to renounce sex; we are ready to invent something new. Is this specifically French?

I am pleading for a new sexual revolutionone for seniors.

I belong to the generation that led the sexual revolution of the 1970s in France. We broke down many barriers and we fought for the rights to contraception and abortion. We are not afraid to fight the youth-obsessed culture that is hindering the sexuality of seniors. The goal is not to preserve the bodies we had when we were young but rather to maintain our health, ourselves, and our desires so that our bodies age as well as possible. Ours is a dynamic generation, generous and selfish at once, driven by the urge to travel, learn, and explore new territory. In short, a generation that has desires.

This book is written for them and for anyone turning 60: men and women who may already have noticed their bodies start to age sexually and may be wondering what the future holds for their sex lives. For the most part, they still have over a third of their lives ahead. How will they experience their later years? With or without sex?

A recent study published by the Korian Institute for Ageing Well on the relationship between age and pleasure reveals that while only 12 percent of people over the age of 65 find that making love is still a source of pleasure, 36 percent of them would like it to be. This means there is quite a significant gap between those who would like to be sexually active at this age and those who continue to be and find it pleasurable.

So there are clearly obstacles to sexual fulfilment beyond a certain age. Some are related to circumstances, aloneness, and the attitude of our youth-obsessed society. But others stem from the image people have of themselves, of their bodiesseen as desirable or notand the importance they give to Eros, sexual pleasure, both in their lives in general and in their specific relationships. The ultimate obstacle is the difficulty of imagining a different kind of sexuality, one that is less impulsive, slower and more sensual; one that puts connectedness, tenderness, and intimacy first.

However, the research I conducted for over a year proves that there is no age limit to love, sex, and desire, because older women are thought to give themselves more intensely and to offer their bodies and souls more fully.

There is no age limit to love, sex, and desire, even if we hide it after a certain age.

Does this pursuit of sexual activity relate to our character, to a predisposition to love that we have always had and continue to have? Undoubtedly. And we could leave it at that. Tell ourselves that if we were keen on sex before, we always will be. That its not worth writing a whole book about it. But the reality is more complex.

For example, what makes so many sexagenarians who find themselves alone in life look for their soulmate on internet dating sites, in the rather elusive quest for the perfect partner? Once they retire, some people seem to take advantage of their newfound freedom to relive their youth and enjoy a level of sensuality they may not have experienced when they were younger.

What is this creative attitude towards sexuality that compels people to change the way they love and explore new sensual pleasureswomen by giving themselves more fully, men by being slower and gentler, couples by probing the hidden depths of their intimacy? This book will discuss everything older adults can learn from Eastern erotic arts such as Tantra and Taoism.

Finally, what drives sexual attraction in older men and women? Modern society is so youth oriented that its hard for us to imagine sex between two ageing bodies. So what is this desire that isnt fueled by appearance or physical beauty but by something elseby someones charm, intense gaze, bright smile? What is this desire that stems from the pleasure and excitement of being togethertwo hearts beating as one, touching each others skin, and feeling each others movements and presenceeven very late in life?

These are the questions I have asked throughout my research on sexuality and 60-somethings. I have come to one sure-fire conclusion: the erotic intimacy many want, but few achieve, requires a complete change in mindset. Experts agree that we cant make love at 60 like we did at 40. Our bodies cant keep up. So we must let go of what we know, forget about sexual performance and old fantasies, and let love happen. In other words, we must learn to take pleasure as it comes rather than focus on what it should be. The quality of the relationship is key, along with the ability to create intimacy in everyday life. Many people think this kind of sexwhich is less focused on genitalia and more eroticis in fact an improvement.