John Harold McCoy - Sneaky Tricks: for getting dates and meeting people (Volume 1)

In the beginning, God said, "Adam, I gave youthat really nifty penis to use, not sit around and stare at allday. Now, get out there and poke something."

Adam replied, "Up yours, dude. These animalsget really pissed when I try that stuff, and I'm not getting my assclawed all to hell just so you can watch."

God thought for a moment. "How about I createyou a bitch?"

"Cool," said Adam. "You make it; I'll pokeit."

So, God created Eve and said, "Adam, this isEve."

To which Adam exclaimed, "Wow! Look at thosetits."

At this, Eve uttered a disgusted "Harrumph,"turned on her heels, and stomped off to another part of thegarden.

God, sensing trouble, hurried after her, andcatching up asked, "Jesus, Eve. Why are you being such a twit?"

Eve replied, "Who's Jesus?"

God said, "Never mind. What I'm concernedabout is you copping an attitude just because Adam appreciates anice rack."

Eve began to cry.

"Christ, Eve," said God. "Stop with thewaterworks."

Eve sobbed, "Who's Christ?

"Never mind," yelled God, getting a littleflustered. "Look. Here's the deal. It's the beginning, right? Thisis the time I create stuff, so I created, well, you know all thestuff. When it was all done I decided to put something alive inthis snazzy garden I'd thrown together. So, I created a penis causeI thought it would be fun to watch it poke at things. I put it herein the garden, but it just lay there on the ground doing nothing.So I put some legs on it so it could get around, but it keptbumping into things, so I stuck a brain on top to show it where togo. That worked fine, and I named it Adam. Your job is to let itpoke at you once in a while. Now, is that asking too much?"

Still sobbing, Eve asked, "But why is it sucha pig, and how about a little romance?"

"Number one," replied God, "it's not a pig,it's a penis. Number two, well, sorry, but I didn't add any romanceto it, only that poking instinct. That's really all it is, just apenis with a brain to point it towards something to poke at."

Pondering her options, Eve demanded, "Okay,I'll let it poke at me occasionally, but you have to let me run theworld."

God said, "Uh, that'll be a little toughsince it's bigger than you. But wait, I've got an idea. I'll putsomething really cool on you like... oh, I don't know... I'll thinkof somethingsomething that will pretty much guarantee things willalways go your way. How's that?"

Eve, now assured she would always be incontrol of the world and anxious to get started, agreed, thenwalked back to where Adam was waiting and said, "Hi there big boy!Gee, have you been working out?"

So, after all was said and done, everythingworked out just fine. God's happy, Eve's happy and Adam thinks he'shappy.

In the beginning, God created Adam and placedhim in the Garden of Eden where Adam lived a wonderful, happy,fulfilled life. God, who obviously is a womansince no man wouldhave invented circumcisionbecame agitated at seeing Adam so happy,so she created Eve and said, "Eve, go down there and stir up someshit."

Now, Eve, being freshly created, and havingno idea how to go about stirring up shit, asked, "How, exactly, doI do that?"

And God, who is no stranger to stirring upshit herself, answered, "Just be yourself."

So Eve went down to the Garden of Eden where,much to the dismay of Adam and all his descendants, she and all herdescendants have been stirring their little brains out ever since.Not deliberately, of course, just "being themselves."

Although the story above is fiction, thefemale propensity for stirring is not. The woman's instinct to keepthe air redolent with the smell of shit comes not from a vengeful,man hating, penis-envying, lesbian God, but from the fact thatthey're smaller than men, have less effect on their physicalenvironment, and get pushed around all their lives. It's their wayof saying, "I Exist!" It's the female version of Cogito Ergo Sum "I stir shit, therefore I am." A strong man can move mountains,shape history, and rule worlds. But, unfortunately, man's majesticaccomplishments often collapse under the weight of the unbelievableamount of shit a tiny little woman can stir up. A good example ofthis was the mighty Samson.... and little, friggin' Delilah.

Understanding the shit stirring instinct, andother bizarre female behavior, requires understanding how smallerorganisms use rationalization to, figuratively, level the playingfield in order to compete with larger organismsin this case smallwomen belittling large men in an attempt to create an imaginedequality between the sexes. The small female's most obvious effortto affect the above is to corrupt the larger male's basic attitudesand needs by attaching nonsensical values to his actions andmotivations. So adept is the female at stirring up shit that shecan, in this case, stir where no actual shit exists.

The female's most effective attack on thelarger male is to denigrate the male attribute she covets the most:his penis. By attaching frivolous relevance to that most enviedobject she attempts to deny the male at least one of his symbols ofdominance. Creating such myths as Men like guns because gunsremind them of their penis is one such attempt to ridicule men'svalues, thus leveling the field. Women tend to think this is veryeffective although, in truth it is abhorrentto say the leastformen to discharge, or even imagine discharging, large caliberweapons, especially those with substantial muzzle blasts, in eventhe general area of what women secretly consider a magnificentorgan.

So, the bottom line is, the next time youtake a date to your favorite biker bar, and she starts getting thatglazed look on her face... you better get the hell outa therebefore she starts to stir.

In the interest of accuracy, Uncle John askeda lot of gay people to help out with the subject of getting gaydates. They all said, "fuck off" ...except for one transvestitebiker named Dede, who proved to be very knowledgeable on thesubject. Uncle John couldn't find any lesbians who would cooperate,so you girls are on your own, which doesn't matter since Dede saysthat most women are a wee bit 'bi' anyway.

Dede says, the most important thing is tomake sure you are actually gay before going out to look for dates.Dede says, being with another guy, in bed, naked, on your knees, isnot a good time to look over your shoulder and say, "You know what?I don't think I'm gay after all." It's rude and extremelydisappointing to the guy behind you.

• Dede says the following can help youdetermine if you are really gay:

• Do you like Quiche?

• Do you wear a fanny pack?

• Have you ever said the word, "Moi?"

• Do you carry a bottle of water around withyou?

• Do you wear tank tops after dark?

• Do you change your underwear every singleday?

• Do you honestly think a man and a woman canbe "just friends?"

• Do you drive a PT Cruiser?

• Do you have a dog that requires professionalgrooming?

• Do you put that blue-colored stuff in yourtoilet?

• Do you sip alcoholic drinks from a straw?