Douglas - A Celebration of Sex After 50

Copyright 2004 by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau, Dr. James K. Childerston, and Carolyn Childerston

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville,Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Scripture quotations noted NKJV are taken from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982,Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

Scripture quotations noted NIV are taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society, used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NCV are from The Holy Bible, New Century Version, copyright 1987, 1988, 1991 by W Publishing Group, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from THE KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible.

Illustrations by Alan Tiegreen.

I Am Woman by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton. Copyright 1971 Irving Music, Inc. on behalf of itself and Buggerlugs Music Co. (BMI) All rights reserved. Used by permission.

You Are So Beautiful by Billy Preston and Bruce Fisher. Copyright 1973 Irving Music, Inc. and Alamo Music Corp. (BMI/ASCAP) All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Rosenau, Douglas.
A celebration of sex after 50 / Douglas E. Rosenau, James K. Childerston, Carolyn Childerston.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-7852-6081-1 (pbk.)
1. SexReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Intimacy (Psychology)Religious aspectsChristianity. I.Title: Celebration of sex after fifty.
II. Childerston, Jim. III. Childerston, Carolyn. IV.Title.
BT708.R635 2004
306.7'084'6dc22

2004002324

Printed in the United States of America
04 05 06 07 08 PHX 5 4 3 2 1

Love is not love which alters
when it alteration finds
SHAKESPEARE

Lovingly dedicated to our parents
whose unaltered love we witnessed:

Carl and Doris Goltz 58 years

Ward and LaVonne Childerston 50 and counting

Eugene and Ernestine Rosenau 55 years

Contents

Maturity Rocks!:
Embracing New TruthsAbout Aging

Y es, Baby Boomers, maturity does rock! This era of our fifties to our eighties represents an awesome time in our lives.Weve paid our dues for wisdom and learned how to be comfortable in our own skin.We can create a higher quality of lifeand pursue a fun, intimate companionship that may have eluded us in our younger years. Living life fully builds on the many tough lessons we have learned and is symbolized by our wrinkles and gray hair. We worked hard to earn these distinguished characteristics; wear them like medals of honor!

But somehow theres a disconnect. The truth is, most of us dread getting older.We would trade almost anything to be thirty or forty again.Why do many fear middle and old age, rather than embracing this wonderful stage of life? Why do we chase youth and immaturity, and as a result lose the richness of this capstone stage of the human life span?

COMMON MISBELIEFS ABOUT AGING

The most obvious explanation centers in our false thinking about aging and our misunderstanding of what maturity means.We have bought into many myths that distort our attitudes and create dread or dissatisfaction. Here are some of the most toxic misbeliefs and the truths that dispute them:

1.Youth rules and old age stinks.We must maintain ouryouthfulness at all costs.

Truth: Like most things in life, a debit and credit column exists with positives and negatives during both youth and aging.Youth has more vitality and old age has more physical debilitation. Old age has a contemplative wisdom with the ability to slow down, while youth can be shortsighted and frantic.

Truth: Tight skin and firmer bodies may define youthfulness; but this does not equate to true beauty and sexiness as our youth-worshiping culture falsely thinks. Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder; wrinkles and softer bodies reflect a sign of maturity with its own sensuality.A constant striving for youthfulness can actually be immature and quite silly.

2.We can define the stages of middle- and older-age maturityusing the same ideas and vocabulary with which we defineyounger stages.

Truth:This new phenomenon, higher levels of develop ment, and greater skills of older years demand new vocabulary and concepts. An adolescent cannot be described with the concepts of infancy.What sixteen-year-old would want to be called cute and cuddly because he or she toddled around in such a precious way? Older age needs new lenses that extend beyond the way we would describe a thirty-year-old.

Truth: As will be developed in the rest of this introduction and book, old age presents new horizons and new levels of development and intimacy. Gray hair, years of living life, and maturity require a totally different way of looking at life and intimacy.

3. Sexual desire and a longing for erotic connection are forthe young and fade rapidly in our fifties and sixties.

Truth: The body and hormones change, but couples can enjoy sexual interacting into their nineties. Sexual desire can stem from a caring and intimate relationship and has much more complexity than being totally hormonally based. Desire depends on the interaction of the body, soul, and spirit.

Truth: The lessons of maturity involve an ability to accept the imperfect, put a higher priority on companionship, and live in the moment. This can become a powerful catalyst for deeper sexual intimacy and meaningful lovemaking. True passion and enjoyable sexual connecting can increase with the empty-nest days and postmenopausal freedom.

4. Great lovemaking depends on healthy, youthful bodies withstamina, flexibility, and exuberant intercourse and orgasms.

Truth: Fulfilling lovemaking is about 20 percent physical and about 80 percent mental and emotional. Intimate sexual connecting involves much more than wild intercourse and explosive orgasms. Playful, tender, trusting, and sensual describe wonderful sex better than intense, acrobatic, or all night.

Truth: It can be argued that to truly learn to make love, one must be at least fifty. Lovemaking involves a comfortable intimacy based on knowledge, acceptance, and tender eye-to-eye enjoyment of our lover. This grows with time together and a mature way of thinking and responding to life.

5. Pain and mishaps, which totally impede happiness andcontentment, must be avoided at all costs.

Truth: The reality is that pain is a part of life and can be coped with graciously.We know that life, marriage, and love are complicated. Maturity can live with ambiguity and still experience joy and contentment. Theres always plenty of ibuprofen, hot baths, and some contentment in the midst of pain and imperfection.

Truth: Many of the most important lessons grow out of experiences of physical or psychological pain and loss. The times of less pain become more enjoyable.Adapting to our limitations is a part of this adventure of aging.

6. Mortality should be feared, and aging bodies are a curse.

Truth: Understanding and accepting that we are in the last third of our lives makes every day more precious.We have different values, and quality of life becomes more crucial.The ability to slow down, relax, and enjoy recreation and relationships takes on special significance. Our aging bodies help create this important realization.