Clifford L. Penner - Restoring the Pleasure

OTHER BOOKS BY CLIFFORD AND JOYCE PENNER

The Gift of Sex
Counseling for Sexual Disorders
Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start
The Way to Love Your Wife
52 Ways to Have Fun, Fantastic Sex
Sex Facts for the Family

1993, 2016 Clifford and Joyce Penner

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ISBN 978-0-7180-7755-6 (rev. ed)

ISBN 978-0-7180-8468-4 (eBook)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

The Library of Congress has catalogued the earlier edition as follows:

Penner, Clifford.

Restoring the pleasure : complete step-by-step programs to help couples overcome the most common sexual barriers / Clifford L. Penner, Joyce J. Penner.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0849934648

1. Sex instruction. 2. Sex in marriage. I. Penner, Joyce.
II. Title.

HQ31.P4465 1993

613.9'6dc20

934349

CIP

16 17 18 19 20 RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

In appreciation of...

all the couples
who have so openly shared
their lives with us
and
our niece, Robin Buhler, for her supportive help
editing, proofing, and encouraging

T he authors welcome readers comments and responses about the information in this book, but they regret that they cannot answer letters. They will respond to e-mails and calls.

penners@passionatecommitment.com
626-449-2525 (anytime) or
626-793-5241 (8:00 a.m.6:00 p.m. Pacific Time)

For further information regarding seminars or other speaking engagements, please go to www.passionatecommitment.com or write us at

Clifford and Joyce Penner
200 East Del Mar Blvd., Suite 126
Pasadena, CA 91105

Contents

PART 1:
COMMUNICATION: THE KEY FOR THE DOOR TO SEXUAL PLEASURE

PART 2:
EDUCATION: THE DOOR TO SEXUAL PLEASURE

PART 3:
SEXUAL RETRAINING: THE STEPS TO SEXUAL PLEASURE

COMMUNICATION FOCUS EXERCISES

FIGURES

FORMS

TABLE

SEXUAL RETRAINING ASSIGNMENTS

In this ebook edition, please use your devices note-taking function to record your response wherever you see the bracketed instructions [Your Response], and use your device's highlighting function to record your answers when presented with a mutliple choice selection.

A ll he does is push this sex business, Maria complained with disgust. All hes interested in is sexsex, SEX, SEX! And kissing, thats another subject, Maria continued. All that sloppy, yucky, passionate kissingwhy is that so important? The intensity, anger, and disgust in her voice were building.

Then, more softly and with resignation, Maria described the sexual activity that happens whenever Clarence insists. I let him feel my back and shoulders. Then he goes to my breasts. What he sees in those ugly hunks of flesh Ill never know. All they do is get in the way. Id like to have those things chopped off. As far as the genitals are concerned, I told him early in our marriage to skip that. I tolerate enough of his animal urges!

Clarences anger was equally intense and loaded with blame. It started on our wedding night. I dont know what happened to her, he stated disgustedly. She sure wasnt that way before we got married. She liked all that lovey-dovey stuff. Then all of a sudden, wham! Just like that, she didnt want to have sex. But I insisted! After all, I had waited a long timeuntil we got married. She rejects everything! She rejects any sexual suggestions. I insist, but she refuses! He pounded his leg with his fist as he yelled.

Three weeks later, after seeing us for one hour every day for two weeks in what we call a sexual therapy intensive, Clarence and Maria were both enjoying physical closeness. Several times a week they had soft kissing times, and twice a week they had total-body pleasuring leading to intercourse and ejaculation for Clarence. Afterward, Maria invited genital stimulation to orgasmsometimes to several mini orgasms and other times to one intense orgasm.

Maria had never been orgasmic in twenty-nine years of marriage. What changed? Clarence. He learned to back off completely and allow Maria to gradually become comfortable with sharing her body and accepting her intense sexuality. However, even though Maria was responding intensely and they were having regular, mutually fulfilling times of sexual pleasure, Clarence still struggled to keep himself from insisting or pushing for more variety and more frequency. He still wanted to be able to have it whenever he wanted it. Gradually he realized that when he is able to control his tendency to demand, he gets so much more than when he pressures Maria for more.

Tony and Jill came to us after one month of marriage. Before marriage, they had enjoyed full loveplay, except that they refrained from intercourse. Both got intensely aroused to orgasm and thoroughly enjoyed their times of pleasure. Then came the low blow. On their wedding night Jill was anxious about intercourse, afraid of the pain of breaking the hymen. Tony was eager, inexperienced, and somewhat unsure of himself, so rather than comforting Jill, he tried to enter but couldnt. Jill panicked and pushed him away. They hadnt tried since.

After two months of weekly one-hour therapy sessions with us, Jills daily use of vaginal dilators, and three sexual retraining homework assignments per week (one on teaching, one on pleasuring, and one on communication), Tony and Jill are having regular body pleasuring leading to intercourse without pain and with fulfillment for both.

Terry and Marge volunteered to be interviewed for a video series we produced even though we had never met them before the recording session. We interviewed them for one hour in a studio under stage lights and five cameras. For eight months Marge had been frustrated with the quantity of their sexual relationship. Her desire for sex was much higher than Terrys. She said she was climbing the walls and facing temptations outside of marriage. To prepare for the interview, Terry and Marge had been given a survey similar to the assessment form in ). They completed it individually, then shared their responses with each other. Marge was shocked to discover that Terry would like her to initiate sex more often. She had wanted sex more often but had waited for him to initiate it. In the two weeks before we interviewed them, Marge dramatically increased her requests to be with Terry sexually, and both were thrilled with the results!