Clifford L. Penner - The Way to Love Your Wife: Creating Greater Love and Passion in the Bedroom

The Way to Love Your Wife

Creating Greater Love and Passion
in the Bedroom

The Way to Love Your Wife
Copyright 2007 by Dr. Clifford Penner and Joyce Penner
All rights reserved.

Focus on the Family and the accompanying logo and design are federally registered trademarks of Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995.

A Focus on the Family book published by
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188

TYNDALE and Tyndales quill logo are registered trademarks of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Portions of this book were originally published as Men and Sex 1997 and The Married Guys Guide to Great Sex, 2004 by Dr. Clifford Penner and Joyce Penner.

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise marked, are taken from the New American Standard Bible. Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org). Scripture quotations marked (NKJV) are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (MSG) are taken from THE MESSAGE (paraphrase). Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Peoples names and certain details of their stories have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwisewithout prior permission of Focus on the Family.

Cover design by: Tracy Watkins
Cover photograph by Getty Images. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Penner, Clifford.

The way to love your wife : creating greater love and passion in the bedroom / Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN-13: 978-1-58997-445-6

1. HusbandsReligious life. 2. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. Intimacy (Psychology)Religious aspectsChristianity. 4. HusbandsSexual behavior. I. Penner, Joyce. II. Title.

BV4528.3.P46 2007

248.8425dc22

2006026134

Printed in the United States of America

4 5 6 7 8 9 /15 14 13 12 11

To the men in our lives

Our clients who have trusted us with the inner workings of their sexuality

And their wives who have informed us of the importance of the husbands role in their sex lives

Our dear friend Dr. Neil Warren, whose enthusiasm has encouraged and skill helped formulate the essence of this book

Our sons, Greg Penner and John Stellato, whose openness and candor have kept us in touch with todays men

Our friends
Peb Jackson for his active demonstration of his vision and ministry with men of all ages

Jack Mount for his model of the servant leader to his family, friends, and community

Paul Schultheis for his support in calling us to the meaning of intimacy with God

Roland Hinz for his sincerity in his own life and with us in seeking the truth

Bud Bare for his love and levity, which have lightened tense moments

Our brothersDave, Gene, and Doug Buhler for giving of themselves to Joyce in teaching her loving relationships with men

Eldin Dirks and Jim Martens for bringing maleness into Cliffs female-dominated family

Coming from German Mennonite homes and communities in the Midwest and Canada, we were sexually uninformed and naive. The only instruction either of us received from our families came to Joyce two weeks before the wedding. It was basically three warnings:

1. The honeymoon would be awful.

2. She would be very tired.

3. She shouldnt let him use her. (She didnt! She used him.)

Fortunately, Joyce had just taken a preparation for marriage class at her Baptist nursing school. The topic of sexual adjustment was a significant part of that class. So Joyce was the one who told Cliff what shed learned about sex in marriage from a Christian perspective.

Thats not how its supposed to happen, of course. When it comes to sex, the man has to be the expert.

At least thats what theyd like you to believe.

The Making of a Manly Man

The false assumption that men are supposed to be the sexual experts has been passed from generation to generation.

Maybe it started for you around age five, when you were reprimanded for trying to peek into your sisters bedroom. You heard, Youre not supposed to do that. But you also heard Boys will be boys, perhaps said with a tinge of pride.

In second grade you tried out sexual slang youd heard from older guys. The adults frowned, but someone said, Hes practicing being a man.

In fifth grade, when the girls were sent to another room to learn about menstruation, you were curious and felt left out. How dare they know about something sexual that was a mystery to you!

The subtle training of your expected manly expertise continued. Your cousin, two years older, showed you his stash of magazines. It was the first time youd seen naked women, and it triggered an avalanche of fear and excitement and confusion. Those pictures made your gut churn as it had never churned before; you couldnt seem to breathe even though you were breathing fast, and the lump in your throat almost made you choke. You didnt want to look, yet couldnt get enough.

In middle school, real sex education started. You watched the movie. The teacher talked about reproductionhow eggs unite with sperm and how babies are born. Gross! You could hardly listen. If you were in a class with boys only, you wondered what the girls were talking about. If you were in a mixed group, you couldnt keep from giggling when the teacher used a word like penis, vagina, or intercourse.

Either way, you tried to be coolpretending you already knew all about that sex stuff. Being in the know sexually was cool for guys. The most popular boy in your class seemed to know the most about sex, always having a story about a girl or a sexual joke to tell.

The jokes seemed to tell you a lot about male sexual expertise and what it means to be a man. They implied that the real man is the one with the biggest peniswomen are putty in his hands, and they beg for more.

Then it happened: The girls all grew up during that summer between middle school and high school. You were self-conscious all the time, trying to be what you knew you werent. You got used to acting like a cool guyor you backed away from girls to avoid the pain of rejection.

Whichever road you traveled, you had something in common with every other guymasturbation. Maybe for you it just felt good. Or it only felt good until it was over and the flood of shame and guilt hit, and you vowed youd never do that again. Perhaps peers had taught you that anyone who masturbates is a loser; masturbation was a sign that you couldnt get the real thinga woman.

Through it all, you kept getting the message: Men are sexual experts and sexual animals. Go for as much as you can get! said your friends and the TV shows and the Internet porn sites. The further you get, the more of a man you are. Even if you were raised with the biblical instruction to save intercourse for marriage, you may have pushed for as much as you could get. You counted on the girl to slam on the brakes. Sometimes you hoped she would; other times you hoped she wouldnt.