Athol Kay - How To Answer Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?
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A collection of brilliant and hilariously true essays that everyone interested in love, sex and marriage needs to read. A fearless intellect coupled with a compassionate spirit, Athol ruthlessly tosses out the politically correct bath water but keeps the babies safe. At times controversial, at times wickedly funny, but always a powerful voice for love, marriage and hope.
Important stuff this book tells you that you simply have to know:
The two types of men that women ping pong between. Page 9.
How to answer Do these pants make my ass look fat? and get laid like tile. Page 11.
Why the wedding vows arent the actual marriage agreement. Page 16.
Seventeen ways women reveal they are attracted to you. Page 25.
How to tell if a SAHM is going to be great, or spend half the day on Facebook. Page 27.
How to beat approach anxiety. Page 31.
What to do when your wife wont have sex with you. Page 35.
How to lead your wife so that she wants to follow you. Page 40.
Why monogamy works best for most men. Page 50.
How the wrong college degree can ruin your sex life. Page 59.
How to spot when your wife is testing you. Page 69.
What it means when your wife says shes bored. Page 71.
What shes really saying when she says, I love you, but Im not in love with you. Page 76.
Why you should never ask for marriage advice from your close friends. Page 79.
How submission really works for women. Page 85.
When you should rescue her and when you should let natural consequences just play out. Page 91.
Why everyone gets the male mid-life crisis wrong and what is really happening. Page 92.
What makes up the female mid-life crisis. Page 94.
How to hit her sexual Big Red Easy Button. Page 106.
What happens when you have sex at 87.3% of maximum roughness and why it drives her wild. Page 108.
What you should never do if she asks you to move out. Page 110.
The Second Date Rule. Page 116.
Why her gaining fifteen pounds means shes into you. Page 117.
Why its not your job to cure their sexual dysfunction. Page 123.
What the female arm slap means. Page 125.
Learn what acts like Kryptonite to women. Page 131.
Why being an asshole secretly pleases women. Page 137.
Why being a White Knight is a bad idea, and being a Horny Knight is a great one. Page 150.
Why catering to women makes them like you less. Page 152.
How to get her to try a facial. Page 154.
Why SAHMs need to be SAHMs Plus Something. Page 160.
How helping a friend out can accidentally make your wife attracted to him. Page 169.
What to say after she cooks dinner that will make her melt. Page 172.
How to tell the difference between your marriage sucking, and your life sucking. Page 176.
How a hot bedroom fantasy can turn into your wife cheating on you and refusing to stop. Page 178.
How polyamory and swinging really works. Page 180.
Why being playfully mean to girls turns them on. Page 182.
How female logic works when it comes to men. Page 196.
What to do if she offers you sex, but says she doesnt want an orgasm. Page 197.
The best revenge possible to take against a cheating girlfriend. Page 201.
How to handle a drama queen. Page 204.
Why women should have long hair and ignore their friends telling them to go short. Page 208.
The #1 thing men crave women to do in the bedroom (Its not a blowjob!) Page 213.
What to do when your friend starts trying to steal your girl. Page 217.
Learn just how many women fantasize about being used for sex. Page 224.
Assuming shes into it, why you should only spank your wife when shes being good. Page 228.
How to fall out of love as quickly as possible. Page 234.
Why a wife going on a Girls Night Out drives her husband batshit crazy. Page 240.
The only way to build self-esteem that works. Page 244.
Why the main complaint about monogamy is that it works. Page 254.
How to know if she is worth marrying. Page 2
Important stuff this book tells you that you simply have to know:
The two types of men that women ping pong between. Page 9.
How to answer Do these pants make my ass look fat? and get laid like tile. Page 11.
Why the wedding vows arent the actual marriage agreement. Page 16.
Seventeen ways women reveal they are attracted to you. Page 25.
How to tell if a SAHM is going to be great, or spend half the day on Facebook. Page 27.
How to beat approach anxiety. Page 31.
What to do when your wife wont have sex with you. Page 35.
How to lead your wife so that she wants to follow you. Page 40.
Why monogamy works best for most men. Page 50.
How the wrong college degree can ruin your sex life. Page 59.
How to spot when your wife is testing you. Page 69.
What it means when your wife says shes bored. Page 71.
What shes really saying when she says, I love you, but Im not in love with you. Page 76.
Why you should never ask for marriage advice from your close friends. Page 79.
How submission really works for women. Page 85.
When you should rescue her and when you should let natural consequences just play out. Page 91.
Why everyone gets the male mid-life crisis wrong and what is really happening. Page 92.
What makes up the female mid-life crisis. Page 94.
How to hit her sexual Big Red Easy Button. Page 106.
What happens when you have sex at 87.3% of maximum roughness and why it drives her wild. Page 108.
What you should never do if she asks you to move out. Page 110.
The Second Date Rule. Page 116.
Why her gaining fifteen pounds means shes into you. Page 117.
Why its not your job to cure their sexual dysfunction. Page 123.
What the female arm slap means. Page 125.
Learn what acts like Kryptonite to women. Page 131.
Why being an asshole secretly pleases women. Page 137.
Why being a White Knight is a bad idea, and being a Horny Knight is a great one. Page 150.
Why catering to women makes them like you less. Page 152.
How to get her to try a facial. Page 154.
Why SAHMs need to be SAHMs Plus Something. Page 160.
How helping a friend out can accidentally make your wife attracted to him. Page 169.
What to say after she cooks dinner that will make her melt. Page 172.
How to tell the difference between your marriage sucking, and your life sucking. Page 176.
How a hot bedroom fantasy can turn into your wife cheating on you and refusing to stop. Page 178.
How polyamory and swinging really works. Page 180.
Why being playfully mean to girls turns them on. Page 182.
How female logic works when it comes to men. Page 196.
What to do if she offers you sex, but says she doesnt want an orgasm. Page 197.
The best revenge possible to take against a cheating girlfriend. Page 201.
How to handle a drama queen. Page 204.
Why women should have long hair and ignore their friends telling them to go short. Page 208.
The #1 thing men crave women to do in the bedroom (Its not a blowjob!) Page 213.
What to do when your friend starts trying to steal your girl. Page 217.
Learn just how many women fantasize about being used for sex. Page 224.
Assuming shes into it, why you should only spank your wife when shes being good. Page 228.
How to fall out of love as quickly as possible. Page 234.
Why a wife going on a Girls Night Out drives her husband batshit crazy. Page 240.
The only way to build self-esteem that works. Page 244.
Why the main complaint about monogamy is that it works. Page 254.
How to know if she is worth marrying. Page 2
Athol Kay: author's other books
Who wrote How To Answer Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?? Find out the surname, the name of the author of the book and a list of all author's works by series.
Robert De Leon III
StanCorwinProductions
Recorded Books Inc.
Yeafer
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How To Answer
Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?
And Get Laid Like Tile!
Athol Kay
Kindle Version
Copyright 2012 Athol Kay
All rights reserved.
Printed Book Information
ISBN: 1468158538
ISBN-13: 978-1468158533
Contents
Disclaimers
I am not a marriage counselor. I did look into becoming one a while back but discovered I would need two years formal study and the starting money was around $33,000 a year. I figured Jennifer would divorce me if I made that little.
This book is not intended to replace the advice and instruction of your own medical, legal or marriage or other licensed providers. It's certainly not meant to replace advice from plumbers or electricians either. If something requires licensed professionals, use them and follow their advice .
In real life I am a nurse. However I am not your nurse, nor am I providing any form of nursing service to any reader.
Readers hold me harmless for negative outcomes based on following any suggestions on this book. Every relationship is different, not everything will work.
Sex is a very primal need. Sometimes the book touches on the darker aspects of human nature. Understanding and discussing these darker elements within us all, is not the same as advocating for them.
Acknowledgments
Some of the ideas in this book are new, but the greater part of them has been based on the work of countless others. Some notables:
The Talk About Marriage forum, The Manosphere, Dr. Helen Fisher, Mystery, Roissy, Evolutionary Psychology and being in the field of Nursing
Many people have helped me along the way with my work. Some notables:
Marcus Doran Consulting have been of enormous support with the upgrading of my website and marketing insight.
Heather Yuhas worked tirelessly on the cover.
Cynthia Lang Photography managed to make Mr. Potatohead look more like Steve Jobs. Quite amazing.
My endless thanks to Mum, Dad and of course my wife Jennifer.
My apologies to my teenage daughters for being the embarrassing father writing about sex. In time I hope it stops being embarrassing and is just a little awkward and weird.
One of the things that has been exceedingly humbling over the last two years is that I have gained a readership that cares about spreading the word for what I do. I have fans. I truly hope that what I write has helped you all, for you have all helped me.
Introduction
This is a book about sex and marriage, but its not a very typical one. Let me explain in a roundabout way
My family quite likes Chinese food for dinner and we order it fairly frequently. I love Chinese pork spare ribs, Jennifer loves the vegetables in sauce, my eldest daughter loves fried rice, and my youngest daughter is crazy for dumplings. So we all get what we want to eat and are happy. But we can never eat it all, and we always have lots leftover.
So the next day we slice up all the leftover dumplings, spring rolls, ribs or whatever we have, and throw all the leftovers in a fry pan with a little oil. Because its all Chinese food, it all just works together so well the result is the most amazing stir fry dish youll ever have. Its a little taste of everything, Every mouthful an adventure.
My first book The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (aka the Primer) was a solid textbook for married guys looking to improve their sex lives and marriage. I kept it as light as I could, but ultimately its a big structured organized book that I had to rewrite over and over. At first I was worried that I didnt have enough content to get that book to 200 pages, in the end it finished at 344 pages and it could have easily been bigger.
When I said it could easily have been bigger, my first book ran 120,000 words long, but through 2010-2011, Ive written around 400,000 words on my blog Married Man Sex Life . So I have about 280,000 words of leftovers that never made it into the first book. And to be honest, some of the stuff that didnt make it into my first book is my best and most popular writing, but it just didnt fit in.
So this book is my second book, and its my Chinese leftovers stir-fry book. Its the stuff that was just too off topic for the Primer. The stories that were funny as hell, but slowed the Primer down. The posts that were really just more personal in nature. There are some serious pieces as well and there are some sharp jabbing ones too.
Also I find that I have to physically be in the act of writing, to do my best thinking. So there are also some posts included that are to me historically important in that as I have written them, Ive had my best ideas and thoughts.
A couple of definitions are in order as well. Sex Rank refers to the age old 1-10 scale of hotness. Body Agenda refers to the way our bodies seek to strategize ways to create children subconsciously. PUA stands for Pickup Artist. Youll hit a post defining Alpha and Beta in the second chapter so that can wait for now.
So anyway, grab a seat at the table. Youre going to love this stuff.
1 - Down To Business
January 2, 2010
Hi there and welcome to Married Man Sex Life
My name is Athol and Im 39 years old headed towards the big 40. Ive been married for 15 years and Jennifer and I have two daughters together age 10 and 12. Our life together is pleasantly uncomplicated, and were mercifully free of the drama of step-families, babys daddys, divorce and affairs. Weve had our share of tricky pregnancies, cancer scares and dental bills. Life is pretty normal; Im just not saying were living a charmed life beyond all reason. Its a life together, not a TV show. My marriage is by no means perfect. Im not perfect, Jennifer isnt perfect, but were doing much better than most.
Anyway heres the thing, Ive never been overly excited about the idea of marriage. Dont get me wrong, Ive always been crazy about Jennifer. I mean three years long distance before we married crazy. Im talking leave your country of origin crazy. She always seemed to like the idea, and honestly I never really thought about what I was doing getting married. I just wanted to sleep with her. All. The. Time. So I just got married to her. No question of whether it was really a good idea or not.
The first year was exciting. As in Im finally having sex happy, but also with a couple of freak out wow this really has to work because Ill be deported and Im risking everything crazy moments. As it turned out we just clicked. No real major conflicts, just building a life together. Weve worked together at the same job for most of our marriage. House, kids, medical insurance, the whole deal.
So fast forward
Were hitting 15 years together, and apparently thats twice the national average. People are saying that its impressive like weve discovered cold fusion or something. But like I said earlier, I wasnt really that excited by marriage. It wasnt a real problem to me that needed solving, so I wasnt really bothered by it. I was still getting laid like tile by Jennifer as well. So all good on that front.
Then one of my clients... thats one of my special needs kids at work, corners me into a one sided conversation telling me over and over I know all about you, youve got that ring on your finger, youre the married man. And he said the words Married Man the same way doctors pronounce someone dead. The same way a two year old announces someone is fat. Like it was some sort of final definition that couldnt be argued with. Pretty soon that whole work area just started calling me Married Man, like my superhero secret identity had suddenly been spilled.
So heres the thing. I was in the middle of what amounted to a little bit of a mid life crisis. Wondering about a few of my choices, and the consequences of them. Wondering in particular if my marriage is one of the better ones. Because as I said earlier, I never really thought about marriage before, just ploughed ahead into the whole deal. But I can hardly think clearly because Im getting mind control top up sex most every night from Jennifer. The Jezebel!
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