Clifford L. Penner - Sex 101: A Guide to Intimacy for Newlywed Couples

Sex 101

Getting Your Sex Life
Off to a Great Start

CLIFFORD & JOYCE PENNER

Copyright 2004 by Clifford Penner and Joyce Penner

Portions of this book were taken from Getting Your Sex Life Off to a GreatStart. Copyright 1994 by W Publishing Group.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherexcept for brief quotation in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published by W Publishing Group, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc., P.O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee 37214.

Scripture references used in this book are from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

ISBN 0-8499-4510-0

Printed in the United States of America
04 05 06 07 08 QWM 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

... and youre going to get married. Or perhaps you are newlyweds, and youre feeling all the newness and emotions created by joining your two families. For most of you these are very special days and months to remember. For all of you, they are exciting and life changing.

The two of you have made one of the most important decisions of your lives. This book is not about making that decision. It is about preparing for a great sex life in marriage once you have chosen each other as lifetime partners.

Perhaps you dont think you need any help in preparing for your sexual relationship as husband and wife. Some of you may be right. Not everyone needs to prepare in order to have a happy sex life in marriage. Some couples really can do what comes naturally and have a delightful, fulfilling experience. But for the majority, lack of preparation leads to sharp disappointment, even despair.

Weve written this book to help you prepare, not just for your wedding night, but for a lifetime of exhilarating, satisfying, and nurturing sexual experiences.

To prepare when you dont need to is a happier mistake than not to prepare and find out you should have. Intelligent, deliberate preparation for sharing your lives together intimately will be a worthy investment you wont regret.

We were fortunate that our sex life in marriage got off to a great start and is a fulfilling, delightful part of our lives today.

We are convinced that our successful beginning can be attributed to the knowledge and encouraging attitudes about sex in marriage that Joyce received during a Preparation for Marriage class she took right before we were married. Her eagerness to share that information with Cliff opened our communication about this vital dimension of our relationship. From our own positive experience and the changes we have observed in hundreds of couples lives, we share the information in this book with an overwhelming conviction that accurate knowledge, healthy attitudes and expectations, and the ability for the two of you to talk openly about sex will significantly enhance your relationship. We have included discussion questions to help you and your partner share desires and expectations for your relationship. And we have also included, at the end of Chapters 2 through 7, common questions we have received in helping numerous couples prepare for marriage. We hope Sex 101 will equip you with the tools to get your sex life off to a great start!

Sizzle pictures the intensity of a relationship. We might think of sizzle as the passion or excitement of sex. Passion can express itself in intense sexual feelings as well as anger or other emotions. Relationships with high passion are often both intensely sexual and emotionally volatile. Yet, most couples enjoy some level of sizzle, at least when they start out.

Passion is the flame of your sexual relationship. For some couples, passion ignited slowly while others experienced almost instant intensity. You may still be driven by that fervent excitement so common to a new relationship or you may have already made the transition from the intensity of a new attraction to a warm glow that can be sparked into a sizzle. We might make the comparison to lighting a fire. Depending on the type of firewood, some fires ignite almost instantly. Others are slow to get started. All fires eventually die down but can be kept alive if they are stoked and firewood is added before the last spark is out.

To encourage the spark in your sex life, be sure you give it the tending you would a fire that you want to keep burning. Encourage the excitement about being together. Avoid sameness, predictability, and boredom. Expand your ability to be vulnerable with each otherto let go and be out of control. Stretch yourselves to live life to the fullest. Inhibitions stifle passion. Insecurities, anxieties, distrust, guilt, hurt, and disappointments will dampen sizzle. Elements of suspense, intrigue, and newness accompanied with respect, honor, and care will nurture the spark of your sex life.

Whether you begin your married sex life as virgins or one or both of you have been sexually active prior to your marriage, the transition from premarital passion to a married sexual relationship is a critical one. It can contribute toor hinderthe positive adjustment that brings the highest peaks of happiness that married life offers.

BE INTENTIONAL

Intentionality in your sex life will not only increase the quality of your times together, but also the quantity or frequency with which you enjoy each other. Sex is not something that happens to us and great sex will not just happen for you, but you can make your sex life great by being intentional about it. Be sure you save time and energy for each other. Take fifteen minutes a day to connect emotionally and spiritually. End those times with at least thirty seconds of passionate kissing. Plan for a weekly date night and/or a couple of hours to enjoy each others bodies. Once a month, allow a day for just the two of you, and once a quarter, spend a weekend together undistracted.

COUNTER FALSE EXPECTATIONS

False expectations cause havoc and zap the spark. When he pictures it one way and she another, those differences must be clari- fied and negotiated. You will be talking about and clarifying your expectations as you read through the next chapter. Even that process can add fun and sizzle.

ELIMINATE DEMANDS

Sex by demand leads to sex without spark or to no sex at all. Freely give yourselves to each other. Never pressure each other. If either of you feels pressure, talk about it right away. The other one may not be aware of communicating pressure or triggering that in you.

HEAL FROM PAST HURTS

If either of you were raised in an alcoholic or emotionally outof-control home, suffered sexual abuse or trauma, or were in a past destructive relationship, you will need to pursue help to undo those hurts. Often the impact of past hurts doesnt show up in a dating relationship, but surfaces quickly as marriage approaches or early in marriage. Free yourselves and your marriage bed from that baggage. If addictions control one of you, those will definitely need to be faced and managed in order for intimacy and passion to grow between the two of you.

HAVE FUN AND PLAY TOGETHER

Playfulness makes sex fun and rewarding for both spouses. Cuddling, holding, and caressing will set the stage for playfulness. Freedom and creativity are essential ingredients. If one of you is more likely to add the fun part, talk about which of you that would be and how to encourage that spouse to feel the freedom to lead.

PURSUE NEWNESS

A good place to begin is to vary the location and the setting or atmosphere of your sexual encounters. You can vary the room or the area of a room where you get together sexually. You can also experiment with lighting, the position in your bed, putting a comforter on the floor or by the fireplace. It will add spark if you take turns choosing the place and creating the setting.