Recorded Books Inc. - The Gift Of Sex: a Guide To Sexual Fulfillment

The
Gift of Sex

OTHER BOOKS BY
CLIFFORD AND JOYCE PENNER

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What Every Wife Wants Her Husband to Know About Sex

What to Pray When Youre Expecting (by Joyce Penner)

CLIFFORD & JOYCE PENNER

The
Gift of Sex

A Guide to
Sexual Fulfillment

Copyright 2003 by Clifford and Joyce Penner

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Published in Nashville, Tennessee by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

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Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE. Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, and 1995. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations noted TLB are from The Living Bible, copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted The Message are from The Message: The New Testament in Contemporary English. Copyright 1993 by Eugene H. Peterson.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from THE KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible.

The Scripture quotation noted NKJV is from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION.

Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Penner, Clifford.
The gift of sex / by Clifford and Joyce Penner.
p. cm.
ISBN 10: 0-8499-4415-5 (pbk.)
ISBN 13: 978-0-8499-4415-4 (pbk.)
1. Sex instruction. 2. Sex in marriage. 3. SexReligious aspects. 4. Intimacy (Psychology) I. Penner, Joyce. II. Title.
HQ31.P44659 2003
613.9'6dc21

2003009657

Printed in the United States of America

07 08 09 10 11 RRD 15 14 13 12 11 10

CONTENTS

We would like to share with you some information about our pilgrimage from a mutual rural Mennonite heritage to where we are today.

Even though we were raised two thousand miles apart, we could have grown up in the same community. The German Mennonite tradition had a strong impact on us in the unique foods we ate, the yearly church festivals, the speaking of the Low German dialect, similar dating patterns, and common values. Those values included a hard work ethic and an expectation of setting and attaining goals, yet a strong pacifistic approach to life, and not just in regard to war. While on the one hand we were taught to push and scramble to get what we could out of life, on the other we were taught to pursue fulfillment of the capacities within us without trampling underfoot those around us. One example of this philosophy occurred when a lawsuit seemed the best business decision but was not pursued because, As Christians we dont sue.

This mind-set about life has affected our sexual lives together. We came to marriage with the expectation that marital and sexual happiness was a goal we could strive for and attain. Yet neither of us would pursue that happiness at the expense of the other. The pacifistic, Christian-love style mellowed out the aggressive go-after-your-goals approach to life.

Another integral dimension of our Mennonite church and home emphasis was that a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ was the necessary beginning of a Christian life. Even though there was a legalistic approach to Christian growth, one did not automatically become a Christian by being born into a Christian home or religiously following the legalisms of the church. As a result of this spirit and the strong biblical teaching we received from childhood on, we both made clear decisions at an early age to commit ourselves to Christ and his teachings. The meaning of that commitment has continued to develop in line with our understanding and experience. The going has not always been smooth. There have been and are struggles, doubts, and our own subtle (pacifistic, probably) kinds of rebellion.

What was probably most beneficial to our Christian and emotional development was that our childhood homes were warm, safe, family- and church-centered environments. Growth and achievement were encouraged intellectually, educationally, musically, athletically, socially, biblically, and spiritually; yet, as was typical in that era, sexual awareness and understanding received very limited, if any, encouragement. Our families were not unique in their limited sexual communication and expression; rather, their attitude was typical of the day. So our parents were not remiss in following the standards they had been taught or that were common to their culture.

Given this setting, sexual feelings or sexual behaviors were not discussed openly or freely. There was, however, direct positive instruction about growing up to be a man or a woman. Good feelings were communicated about breast development; buying the first bra was a special event; menstruation was well-prepared for and was experienced as a positive sign of becoming a woman. Shaving, muscular development, and voice change were all welcome signs of emerging manhood.

The conflict was that specific instruction about sexual interaction between men and women was either absent or limited. Instruction regarding sexual involvement within marriage was lacking; at the same time the church, with the messages that surrounded us, clearly warned about keeping oneself pure. Rigid rules were defined for acceptable dating habits. Dating was permissible only with one of our own kindMennonitepromoting a narrow view of the biblical concept of being unequally yoked together. Holding hands with a member of the opposite sex was perceived as serious business.

Caressing and making out were obviously unacceptable, and kissing was to occur only with the person you were sure you would marry. In fact, the feeling often came across that if you did weaken and kiss your partner on a date, such action destined your marriage to that person.

The absence of positive sexual teaching, combined with the rigid rules about sexual expression, seemed designed to lead us to believe that sex between a man and a woman was questionable or nonexistent. But neither of us felt that way.

We are not exactly sure why we did not assume this negative stance. Probably the natural peer input that occurred in our rural, extended-family type of communities allowed us to be very free-spirited as young children. At large family gatherings, with cousins of about the same age and of the opposite sex, we had freedom to roam and explore. We played fun games like jumping in the hay in the nude or playing nudist colony in the cornfields. Thus we came to adolescence rather naive but with good feelings about ourselves sexually. But then the struggles of adolescencethe awkward sexual feelings along with the rigid controls on behaviorcaused some doubt about ourselves sexually; we experienced a reduction of freedom during the growing-up years.