Hegstrom - Angry men and the women who love them: breaking the cycle of physical and emotional abuse

Copyright 1999, 2004

by Paul Hegstrom

and Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City

Revised edition 2004

ISBN 978-0-8341-2152-2

Printed in the

United States of America

Cover Design: Ted Ferguson

All Scripture quotations not otherwise designated are from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Permission to quote from the following additional copyrighted versions of the Bible is acknowledged with appreciation:

The Amplified Bible (AMP.). The Amplified New Testament (AMP.), copyright 1954, 1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation.

The New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) of the Bible, copyright 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the USA. All rights reserved.

The Living Bible (TLB), 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the King James Version.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hegstrom, Paul, 1941

Angry men and the women who love them : breaking the cycle of physical and emotional abuse/ Paul Hegstrom. Rev. ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p. ).

ISBN 0-8341-2152-2 (pbk.)

1. Family violenceUnited States. 2. Wife abuseUnited States. 3. Abusive menUnited StatesPsychology. 4. Family violenceReligious aspectsChristianity. 5. Wife abuseReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

HV6626.2.H44 2004

616. 85'822dc22

2004011207

10 9 8 7 6 5 4

To my six grandchildren, who because of my crisis and subsequent willingness to break the cycle of violence live in peaceful homes free of emotional and physical abuse.

CONTENTS

There are many people I want to acknowledge and thank for their encouragement and support in this project. Writing this book has been a humbling experience as I have purposely gone back to my painful past and the beginning of my recoveryreliving it step-by-step.

My wife, Judy, has been a support during the research, adaptations, and application of these skills in my life, as have been my children: Tammy, Heidi, and Jeff.

I express my gratitude to Lenore Walker, whose pioneering work in the field of domestic violence was all I had in the late 1970s, when my own need was so great. Others who influenced my research and my life read like a whos who in the field, including the Domestic Abuse Project in Minneapolis.

A special thanks to Mary Rebar of the States Attorney Office in Champaign County, Illinois, for her wise input as we structured this book, and for her knowledge of court systems and victims services.

I cannot leave out my pastor, Tim Stearman, who took a chance on me when others were doubting my recovery, and Keith Showalter, who vouched for me. Pastor Tim, you are the finest pastor I have ever sat under.

Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, you have been patient with me in the writing and editing of this book. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To all involved, thank you.

PAULS STORY

When I was nine years old I accepted Gods call to ministry. Six months later, I was sexually molested. I remember feeling dirty, damaged, and different. Surely Jesus could never use a dirty little boy like me to further His kingdom.

I tried to talk to my parents about what had happened to me, but in those days, nice people didnt talk about such things. I was reprimanded for even using the word sex.

Several weeks after my first attempt to discuss my molestation with my parents, I asked my mother a hypothetical question: If my friend David was molested by an old man, what would happen to him?

Why, you would never be allowed to play with David again! she replied.

Why?

Because David would be ruined, hed be damaged, and hed know about things that children shouldnt know about. You just could never play with him again.

When I think back to my life as a child, I remember how I enjoyed my calm Christian home. My dad was a preacher, and although he was a great communicator in the pulpit, the one sad spot in my life at that time was that he didnt really know how to communicate with his family. Every morning as he left the house, he simply shook my hand. I wanted desperately for him to scoop me up in his arms for a big hug.

One of the privileges of being a preachers kid was getting to meet the missionaries who came to our church. One of my favorites was Louise Chapman. She served in Africa for many years, and she told stories of witch doctors and black mamba snakes. She shared how God had spared her life in many situations.

One night I asked her what it felt like when God calls you to ministry.

She explained in terms that a nine-year-old boy could understand, and tears filled my eyes. Thats just whats been happening to me! I exclaimed to her. Im willing to do anything Jesus wants me to do.

Mrs. Chapman put her hands on my forehead and prayed for me. I was so excited that God had chosen me to serve Him.

So when I was not allowed to deal with the truth of my molestation when it occurred, and since I was well aware of the mark that was on me through my hypothetical question about my friend David, I successfully banished that experience to my subconscious. For the next 31 years I had no memory of it.

I met my future wife, Judy, when my family moved to her hometown. She was 13, and I was 15. By the time we began dating, I had developed a Jekyll-and-Hyde personalityno doubt due to my early sexual awareness that resulted from being molested. I was considered exciting, funny, the town clownbut I had no interpersonal skills because my emotional development had been arrested at a tender age.

As we dated, I began to be abusive toward Judy. Because of my arrested development, I felt like a little boy with an older, good-looking girl who someone might try to steal away from me. Subconsciously I set out to destroy her self-esteem so that she wouldnt dare leave me for someone else.

We married when I was 19 and Judy was 17primarily because I needed to possess her. We were planning to elope, but when her mother discovered our plans, she said to me, If we stop you now, youll just try again. Call your father and tell him to come perform the ceremony.

We got married on Saturday, and by Sunday I was abusing Judy both physically and emotionally. It was the beginning of a miserable existence that lasted for 16 years.

I hated what I was. But I thought that maybe going into the ministry would help me overcome my bad behavior. Not really a good reason for entering ministry.

Judy and I pastored a small church in Iowa. Even though I was a broken vessel myself, the church grew and people got saved. What a testament to the Word of God!

I had been able to stop my abusive behavior during the first six weeks of our pastorate. But since it was a small church, I had to work out of town to earn a living, and the stress began to take its toll. Eventually I developed a pattern of fighting with Judy when I arrived home. I knocked holes in the walls of the parsonage and battered Judy and our children. Sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom, but I could break right through the doorjamb. She had no safe place.

For three years we lived this kind of existence. I had no control over my life and was powerless to change. I knew I was wrong, and repeatedly I knelt at the altar and cried,